Off the wagon!!!

Well it's been a while!!! I am really so bad at sticking with things!! Writing, eating right etc.....Honestly I feel like I haven't been so bad but I am creeping back up and I am so not wanting to. I need some re motivation. I want to do whats right and I still have several months before I am 43 but I just need to find that something in me to get me going back to the gym and cooking. I feel like I have been in this topsy turvy life lately. I am really not, it really hasn't changed I just keep finding excuses to some degree!! So I am hoping with starting back and trying to start writing again it will help me gain some focus.
 I feel like I have lost some excitement in weight loss because I keep hovering around the same weights. Yes weights. I lose 4 pounds then I gain 6 lbs then I lose 5 lbs and then 2 lbs and then gain 6 lbs. It is frustrating because I have been trying to get on track and going back to the gym and riding my new bike(which I love) but not like I should be. I am starting anew!! With that I need some renewed encouragement!! There are some people in my life right now who drag me down and make me so frustrated and lose focus of my goal and I need to get over that. It is a shame there are people who have to be in your life who can cause you to have so many emotions that everything in the kitchen and under the sun looks good. I am not usually an emotional eater but right now I feel like it!! I just need prayer and encouragement as I continue on this journey!! I need to do this for me and for Xavier and I am starting fresh.

OHHHH BOY!!

Well vacation has come and gone and I have been lazy in all areas of my life. I haven't been to the gym since just before vacation. I did however on vacation walk a million miles it seemed and I did water aerobics a couple of times and then when I couldn't make that I would get in the pool and run laps. I know that sounds kind of weird but the depth of the pool was about chest level and there was lots of resistance.With that all being said I came back and gained 1.8 pounds. I wasn't happy but I wasn't horribly upset that is until this week. This week I had a limited budget and limited things in the fridge but I tried to make things as low cal and low fat as possible, and I honestly thought I had done better with my food. The truth is I haven't been to the gym. As much as I hate to say I think it is a combination of both food and exercise, I am seeing that this is truly the case. So hopefully I can get myself back into eating right and exercising this week. Oh yeah I gained another 1.5 pounds which really sucks but it is just showing me I need to get back into the grove. The problem is I have no motivation. I am already dreading the thought of getting into my gym clothes and actually going to the gym. The thought really frustrates me. I can't decide what is more frustrating right now the weight I have gained or my lack of motivation to stay on track. Where can I go from here? It really would be so easy to give up but after our trip to Mexico I realize how much more I can do with the weight I have already lost and thinking about what I could do once I lose more is helpful but I still don't have the power behind it to make me do what needs to be done. Help!!!!!!!!!!!

Disappointment, and anxious about vacation

As everyone knows I am going to Mexico on Thursday. I am really excited but since you read this you know that my last post I was hoping to lose 30lbs by the time I left and I was going to be better about writing. Well neither happened. I haven't written anything since then and I actually gained 2 lbs the week I wrote about being better but then I lost them last week. So I am still 4lbs from 30. I know that sounds great but now I have to add my worry about going on my vacation.
 As a big girl I always looked forward to going on vacation because it was a great time to eat. I am the girl that literally didn't plan anything else other than where I was going to eat and when I could fit some extra food places in. Now as I get ready to go to Mexico I am not only thinking about what I can eat but what I shouldn't eat. I am excited but I am also scared. As a fat girl going back in the direction you worked so hard to get away from is devastating and as many times as I have done it I have never been this close to a weight that I haven't been at for many years! I want to go on this vacation without having to worry about anything but I realized this afternoon that this will always be a worry even if I reach my goal of 100lbs. I also know that I am not going to be perfect on this trip. But I think that things I have learned and the goals I have set will help me keep some perspective. I know my mom and hopefully Xavier will be an encouragement to me to try to stay in line. It is really kind of scary to think about the challenges I have to deal with on this trip. I am excited about being able to relax and get sun and have food and spending time with my mother and my son but in the back of my head is the number that is going to show on the scale when I get home.
 So with alittle excitement and apprehension I will say I will write when I get back about the trip and hopefully it will be a success with sun and good food choices!!! Wish me luck!!

Frustrated and ........

Well frustrated should be enough to describe where I am at! I have been working out pretty much 4-5 times a week and as things progress I increase my workout. Things were going along well and I have to my surprise continued to lose weight. I am now 274!! Exciting I know. I am 4 lbs away from 30 lost and yet I am ready to quit and give up!! I need a rejuvenation and it doesn't seem to be coming. I thought having the Biggest Loser contest going through out the summer would be so helpful and it has but I am really struggling to say positive. For the last 2 weeks going to the gym has been harder than usual. I feel defeated because I am so tired and I know that is contributing to my lack of enthusiasm (more than usual) about working out. I am just frustrated because up until the last couple of weeks I was working out 45 minutes to an hour and these last 2 weeks I barely make it 30 minutes and not at all close to the pace I was keeping. Yes I have increased my resistance but not enough to make me feel this way. I for some reason during the week can not sleep. I know it is because of stuff going on at work and I think subconciously I can't turn it off. I guess to get it out there my management at work has decided that a position I have been in for 4 years and that they asked me to take on and I LOVE I am no longer qualified to do because I am not an RN. I am only an LPN. An LPN with almost 15 years of nursing experience and 8 of those years in the OR and 4 of those primarily doing robotics. But because I wasn't able to finish my RN I am told I can't do the job anymore. SO I think to some degree that has been weighing on my mind. There is more to the story but that is really all that needs to be said. I am trying to handle this with grace and dignity but I am not always doing such a good job and I think it is somewhat interfering with my sleep. I dont normally sleep that well during the week but the last few weeks have been worse. I think that is why I can't work out like I have been in the past. This past Friday into Sat. I slept almost 9 hours and when I went to the gym I worked out for 50 minutes and kicked butt and found out I lost 2 lbs on Sunday even after going out with my great friends on Friday night and having nachos and wings and Mild duds at the movie!!! So it is true that rest can really affect your weight loss and stress affects rest!!
 Where do I go from here? I haven't written here because I have been struggling with so much in my life at work and personally and I really feel bad I haven't been better. After even just writting this I feel somewhat better and I am hoping I can find the strength to keep going. I have come so far!!! I have much further to go and I dont' want to give up even though I feel like I can't go on anymore!!
 I came across this verse in Psalms today and I realized it was for me this week. It is Psalms 73:26
 My flesh and my heart faileth:but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
My flesh and my heart certainly seem to fail me lately but I have to settle this with God and realize that despite my feeling that I can't go on, God knows I can.
I am going to keep pressing on and it is going to be hard and you may see me complain more or maybe once I get to the next milestone I will be revived. I do need your prayers and encouragement because I don't want to give up. Thanks for all the support and I will do my best to be here more. Thanks!!!

Isn't it funny......??

So today is Sunday and that means weigh in day!! This is what they call on the Biggest loser and I have said it here before the dreaded week 2. I titled this week Isn't it funny because I always think that no matter what I do it's going to be the worst. All week I had decided that every time I eat I had eaten too much or the wrong thing even though I knew what I was eating was what I should be eating but I had this fatty bloaty feeling!! I felt like every time I ate I ate too much or had that feeling that the one last bite I took was way too much. I know from many years of doing so that I really good at self sabotage. I knew that everything I had made to eat this week was portion controlled and with in the daily calorie intake that I have set up. I guess I have neglected to say how the weigh in went because what I am saying leads up to something my friend Alison said today in that we always expect the worse. I guess I am really guilty of that because all week I was sure I was going to be well over 280 which we all know is the number I hate. I hate all the numbers I have been at but 280 has always been a sore spot for me. So when I weighed in I was shocked to see I weighed 277. I had lost 3.4 lbs. I am now at the lowest weight I have been in 16 years. I know that isn't something to be commended but it is something that gives me hope. I am hoping I can lose 7 more pounds by the time we go to Mexico at the end of May.
 I had heard somewhere that there is no such things as will power and there is part of me that believes that. I know that I have a will and how I chose to use it gives me the power. I think it's funny that in the past I had chosen to use my lack of  "will power" as an excuse for being so over weight when the truth of the matter is I just hadn't chosen to use the power of my will to make the right choices consistently. I think that I let my mind control so much of these things that it affects my body. I know when I am working out the power of my will is controlled to the point that I feel I can't go on. I work out for 45minutes to an hour most days but sometimes just 20 minutes into it I feel like I am never going to make it. Again I know Biggest Loser is not a good way to gauge things but I keep thinking about how they work out 6-8 hours a day and it is never enough. I have always thought I was I would like to be on the show but I just know I would want to give up and I would be that person crying and saying I couldn't do it because now even after just an hour of working out I feel dead and I can't believe I have done it. Instead of feeling happy that I have done it I just keep thinking about what I haven't done and what I could do and should be doing. SELF SABOTAGE!!! I know I can lose the weight and I can do what I can do and what needs to be done but because I let my mind win I feel like it is never enough when I have to believe it is going to be enough.
 So 7 pounds by May 30th I know is doable!! I just know I have to really put the pedal to the medal now! If I can do that it will put me at a 30 lb weight loss. I know I can do it but I definitely need your prayers and support. I appreciate so much all that I have received from everyone. It is so cool to see how much people are really hoping I succeed and that means so much to me. So I will keep you up to date and I promise I am going to try to be better about posting on my blog. I keep saying every night I should post but then I just decide to go to sleep. Although they say you need 8 hours sleep to lose weight so I am trying to get as much as I can. SO keep up the prayers and support and I hope I have good news next week. Thanks again!!

about 40 days.....

The cool thing about 40 days is that it is a month away and that gives me time. You may ask for what and the fact is my mom is taking me and Xavier to Mexico!! I am very excited to get away and relax!! This has been a few stressful weeks for me for different reasons. I dont' really need to get into it because there are other friends and family who are going thru things much worse than what I am experiencing and I don't want to complain. SO I won't!! I will say I am hoping that maybe the stress will not store fat but get rid of it!! I am so excited to be going away to relax, My mom asked me today if I was going to exercise on our vacation and I had to think about it. Isn't that funny. I had actually already thought about what workout wear I was going to bring and how I was going to fit my sneakers into my suitcase. In the past I would look at a vacation as a time to just be free of not worrying about exercise or what I eat. I have to honestly say I am kind of worried about the whole food thing. I know on this trip I will be thinking of the fact that I want to take many more vacations and to feel free and good about how I feel and look.
 As you know we are starting the Biggest Loser summer edition at church and I feel like I want to take it serious because the summer is going to be an easier time I think to do things and keep motivated but honestly the first thing I associate with summer is food!! It is when food seems to taste so good.Grilling, fruit, fresh veggies,and so much more. Fortunately most summer food CAN be good for you but I also find that in my frame of mind that because it is "good" for you I can eat as much as I want!! I think that was what I was doing with Subway. I had said in my last post that I was only going to get 6inch subs from now on. Well I went to Subway Monday night and guess what it was nice out and I hadn't eaten since 11am and it was 730 so I got a foot long. The funny thing is my friend Alison's daughter works there and she had read my blog and she tried to say "hey you said....." and I was like i know but.... and I still got it and ate it and I felt like poo after not because it was really bad for me but because I had gone back on one of the things I had promised myself. Thanks Emily for trying to keep me honest and on track!! So tonight Xavier had drivers ed until 8 and my mom and I had gone shopping and had a lovely time (I think), but we both hated most things we tried on because we are both at weights where we want things to look good but nothing looks great! We got some stuff but I wish she had found more. My mom has lost a ton of weight since last winter and I am so proud of her. I hope that some day soon we can both get into much smaller sizes when we go shopping. I can tell my mom is starting to feel somewhat better. I just want her to be able to do more things and I want to be able to do more too.
 I know I am kind of rambling but today I was leaving work and I saw this really heavy woman walking in to the hospital carrying all kinds of McDonalds food and drinks. She could hardly breath and I wanted to stop her and tell her she would feel so much better if she didn't eat it!! I know being a fat girl no one really wants to hear that from someone. It really does have to come from with in you!! I have noticed that so much more this time than any other time in my dieting career. I say career because it really becomes a job. If it was really my job I would have been fired a long time ago. I am thinking my work ethic in this whole dieting thing has gotten better, but I am still working my way up the ladder. I have had Mcd's but not like I used to and I still am very conscientious about what I eat. I have learned that I can still have things and be careful but not over do it! I think that's one of the biggest lessons I have not only learned but have tried to live by and that is I don't have to deprive myself but I have to think before I eat!! I hope people are still reading and still understand how much their support means to me!! I hope I have some good results in the next few weeks that I can share with everyone.

Here we go again

So the summer edition of Biggest loser started today at church and well when I weighed in I was back up to 280! At first I was kind of mad but then I realized. I am at 280 NOT 300!!! 20 lbs less than I was at the beginning of this year and at the spot I have always given up on!! This time I am excited because there is no way I can really head back up to the direction I once was.
 It seemed like calorie counting and fat counting worked to some degree but I think I really need to change things up alittle. I really wasn't eating alot of carbs before so I really need to find where I was eating them and cut some of them out. I think the only time I had bread was on subway night and I can honestly say I am going to only do 6 inches and not the footlongs like I was. I know it seems like a lot but the calories fell with in my limits. But I know that is one thing I need to work on. I have cut down alot on portions but I am going to try to be more conscience of the right portions.
 I also am excited about writing more. I have been so blessed by everyone's response to my writing and my struggles and success's. I want you to all know I haven't given up because this is going to be a lifelong adventure but I am happy to have you here to share in the highs and lows with me. Please feel free to leave any and all comments to me!! And I look forward to sharing more with you!! Hopefully all good news!!!