The dreaded week 2

So today was week 2 of our Biggest Loser contest at church and like the Biggest Loser we had chalked it up as not going to be a very good weigh in. Seeing as I am in charge of weighing in everyone I decided to wait until the end, but I couldn't so after a couple of people had weighed in and had either gained or lost alittle I thought oh great maybe I am going to gain. I did add weights to my workout so if I gain it's going to be the ole turning fat into muscle. So needless to say I was alittle anxious and not to mention I hadn't pooed like I thought I would and so I knew I was probably holding onto to a pound or two. I know too much information but as a fat girl all your life you  realize that one good poo means a pound!! So with much hesitation I got on the scale and much to my surprise I had lost 3.3 pounds and that was having had a good breakfast and not having had a good poo in a couple of days!! I was alittle excited and in the end I had lost the most weight this week. I hope I can continue to do this. I know as much as I hate exercise and going to the gym it is really making a difference.
  We have had special services at church all week and tonight was the culmination and the message was really good about not having a heart divided and he used a story to make a point and it was about a nail and holding on to that nail and hanging all these nasty things on it to get what you want. I realized that my nail that I hold onto is my fat. It has always been there and I have learned to use it in all kinds of ways. I can make fun of myself and other fat people because I am fat. I have learned to kind of dress myself so that I am least in some way fashionable even for a fat girl. I try to make myself look better than most fat girls. I don't have a man because I am fat. With all that being said I think to some degree it became my security blanket (my nail). I can't do something because I am fat, I can eat what ever I want I am already fat, I am a good cook because I am fat. See where I am going??? I didn't go forward tonight to give it to God because I gave it to him a couple of weeks ago and I haven't actually taken it back. I really feel this time that I am doing this for so many reasons and that most importantly I handed over my eating and the lack of control to God. I do realize God isn't going to come down and take the food out of my mouth or tell me to stop eating, but I do know that this is something important to me and to my relationship with my son and my family and God.
 I am also excited to say that even though Xavier didn't lose this week he didn't gain alot and he realized how important the "boring" workouts were to helping him lose weight. I let him start practicing basketball again but he realized that it wasn't as good as the workout he had been doing with me. So please keep him in prayer that he will be able to get the exercise he needs this week. He is being so good about watching his calories. I am really proud of him. Even if he just realizes how important this is to his health that is key and at least a stepping stone.
 Again I can't thank everyone enough for all the support it has really helped me in ways you have no idea.

What people think...

I have always said I don't really care what people think but the reality is there isn't a person alive who hasn't thought about or considered what people may or may not think of them. I usually don't let how people look at me affect me, I know I am fat and I know I have alot to work on and I know sometimes my clothes have spots and I know enough about myself that I am pretty sure I have already said to myself most anything another person could be thinking about me. Where am I going you may ask? Well today as I was leaving the area where the elliptical is, I was sweating and still breathing heavy from my work out and I walked around the corner there was an older lady, not real old but older, sitting on one of the machines with weights and she looked at me and gave me this smile that said so many things. The first thing I thought of that she was thinking was "Oh poor fat girl" or "OH look another fat girl trying to meet her new years resolution" But the reality of it is I am sure she wasn't thinking any of those things!! She may have been thinking "Good for you trying to get healthy" or "Stick with it you can do it" But because I think I know how people are and what they are thinking. When I got in the car and I had already cast judgement on what she was thinking and based on where I was I really was mad. How dare her pity me or cast judgement on me at the "judgement free zone" and as the words were coming out of my mind I stopped and realized how was I any different. I was judging her for something that was probably pretty innocent. I dont' know but it really wasn't a reason for me to get all bent out of shape over something as silly as a smile because I was feeling my own insecurity's. So fat or skinny I guess we all feel the same way when someone looks at us. We can take it as it is or we can let our minds go crazy and make up all the things we are saying to ourselves. Because really the things I was thinking she was saying were really all the things I say to myself. I need to get past all that and realize that I am really trying to change my life.
 On another note I haven't had soda for a week. Everyone keeps asking why I am doing it and I honestly don't have an answer other than I wanted to see if I could do it. It's really hard. I think when it comes to food and soda I am really addicted to it. Sometimes I feel like I should have a sponsor. I went to Subway today and all I could think about while waiting for my sandwich was how much I wanted a soda. I didn't think it would be so bad. I have finally started sleeping alittle more and the dreams seemed to have stopped. I still have a caffeine free soda sitting on my dining room table. It is funny how you associate things with soda. I will say I don't wake up really wanting a diet coke whereas in the past the first thing I would do when I got up is get my glass of ice ready for my morning diet coke. I actually don't have tired lags during the day other than the fact I haven't been getting good sleep. But I think this is going to be an ongoing battle. I do so appreciate your encouragement. I really want this to be the time I truly change my lifestyle!!

Forward thinking

Today was a nice day! I think it's because I knew that the people I was working with were awesome and that I was with one of my favorite surgeons. She has claimed ownership to the fact that she is the Honey Badger. If you have ever seen the honey badger video on YouTube you know that the popular saying is "Honey Badger don't care", and some other things that I won't say but that part always seems to be the part that sticks with me. I thought about that all day because it is kind of how I have lived my life the past several years, as if I don't care. I ate like I didn't care because eventually I would take off the weight. It would be easy because I am only a few pounds overweight but those few pounds turned into more than 150lbs and it isn't going to be easy to get them off. So instead of having this "I don't care" attitude I have to change my thinking into an I do care attitude. I say that thinking that like the switch that I need to turn to make me want to exercise is going to be flipped and I am going to just love it is going to happen, so will my" I care attitude". Hence the title to this post "Forward thinking" I am trying to put myself in that forward thinking mode. I have always been told exactly the same thing that alot of fat girls have heard and that is "She has such a pretty face if only she would lose some weight" There are days when I look in the mirror and wonder what I would look like smaller and where is this pretty face they see? But I can't see it and it makes me mad!!! How can I forward think when l all I can think of is how disgusting I look. For the most part I have given up on how I look most days!! I realized that last week when I went to the gym and I had just come from work and I didn't do a thing with my hair to not make it look like my scrub hat was still on my head and when I went to the locker room and looked in the mirror at the gym it looked like the tshirt I was wearing was one I had just made french fries and wiped the grease right onto my tshirt. I was what I think of as "the epitome of a fat slob"!! Even though I am at the gym which is "Judgment free" I know that people are looking at me like I look at people who don't take care for themselves. I am that person and it's because of my weight. There is no way to hide how fat I am so why even try anymore. While I was at the gym today(yes I went even though I am still sore) I realized I need to get back to being that girl that took pride in herself all the time. I need to stop imagining myself as a fat girl trying to be smaller but realize I am on my way to not being a fat girl and I will be a smaller girl. Forward thinking. I can't say I am not going to have days where I will again feel like the fat slob but I am saying I am trying really hard to become something I can say I worked hard at and I am proud of.
 I don't want this to be ANOTHER time I try and stop because I get frustrated. I have tried to give this totally to God. That is not always easy but I have to because I can't do it other wise. I do have to say all the encouragement from friends has been awesome. I think I am afraid to say anything some days because I feel like people are like " Oh here we go again Karen is on her diet trip" But I do have to say I honestly am not approaching this like dieting. I used to feel that when I went to Weight Watchers that even though you could eat so much I just felt like I was obsessed with food all the time. This time I am doing it the way I think will work with my way of thinking. I remember one of the reasons I stopped going to WW, was because there was a girl there who lost 100lbs and the instructor asked her how she got through the days that were hard and the girl said "I never had  bad day" I got really mad at her and I said to Chantal "She was fat HOW could she not have bad days?" I think about that girl alot and I wonder if she is fat again or if she kept it off. I thought about her today and I said to myself in my forward thinking mode that I dont' want people to wonder if I am still fat. I dont' want to be fat anymore. This has become kind of mission now. That isn't anything I have ever felt before. I am on a mission to be healthy and fit. Thanks again for the encouragement and Here's to hoping my forward thinking will change me into that smaller girl!!

What I realized....

Today I was talking to one of the guys at work about this whole thing and I had the realization as I was talking to him about what a bad influence I am. I realized that the reason I am the way I am is because I just chose to eat but the reason my son has become overweight is because I led him to it. I was very conscientious when he was little but he also didn't eat much then, to watch what he ate but then as he started getting older and his palette changed I kind of fed into what was easier. It was easy to get fries and nuggets or hot dogs and chips and as long as he ate It was great but I guess I didn't pick up on how much I was giving him. As he gets older he is able to decide what he wants and he can make alot of things to and it just seems easy. I realized today also as we were talking that this time I don't want to do this for me and my vanity and that I want to wear cute little clothes I want to do this because I am an example to my son and I am not being a very good one so now is the time to change for both of us. It made me happy today to hear him ask how much is a serving size of something. My mom is working on being the biggest loser too and I know she is on board but it saddens me that the people(person) I thought would be helpful are the ones sabotaging Xavier. This is something that needs to be done and I realized it more than ever today that I have to make it happen to show Xavier that it can happen and that we will be better off for it. I am so thankful God saw fit to give Xavier to me and I want to do what is right and good for my son. I gave him to God as a baby and I realize that I want to see what God is going to do with him and I want to be able to enjoy my future and his. I am praying this is something I can really carry through. I dont' want to give up as easy as it would be. I need to do this for my health and my son's future!!!

I don't wanna!!!!!!!!!!

So I wasn't going to write everyday but I figured this is a daily challenge and boy oh boy was today a challenge!!! So I have been trying to go to the gym everyday except Wed. because it is way too busy with church and it's hard to squeeze it in. So I usually go when I leave work and so today was no different but as I walked to the car my thighs were saying "Please please please don't go!!!!" Really that is what it sounded like!!! And I was about to give in, I really was. My thighs were winning and then my shortness of breath started in saying "You can't breath don't go, your having a hard time just walking what's going to happen when you get to the gym!!" Really that's what my lungs were saying!!! So I got in the car and sat there for a few minutes. Debating with my thighs and lungs I sat there and reached for the phone. My arms hurt just reaching for it!! Oh great now my arms are chiming in!!!! How can I not listen my whole body is saying "I don't WANNA!!!!" Sooo  I keep reaching for the phone and I dial my best friend Chantal and I said "I don't wanna go to the gym!!" and she said "GO you know you need to and you'll feel better for it!!" So we talked for alittle while longer and she said " Call me when you finish" I was like oh great she will know if I didn't go. Well honestly as great and as supportive as she was it wasn't enough. I was driving  and almost turned on the road to home because it is on the way to the gym. My thoughts were going a mile a minute about how to justify not going. So then I called my really good friend (kind of a sister) Alison and she didn't answer her phone so I thought I'll leave her a message but since she didn't answer to encourage me to go I am in the clear. I told her in the message that I was really sore and just didn't want to go. But as I was leaving her the message I passed the turn to the road to my house and kept going. I drove into the gym parking lot and it was packed!! I hate going when it's so busy so I figured this again was a sign. I had to park the furtherest away which meant I had to walk up hill to get to the gym. I really shouldn't go!! Well Guess what.........? I got out walked up the hill and went in an worked out, and just as I got on the elliptical I got a text from Alison that said "You can do it!! If you are exercising right now ... keep going... think of Dolvett... think of growing older... think of Xavier's babies.. you want to be there and be a hot Grammy!! Keep it up"  I not a very sentimental person((most of the time) and words affect me but not usually as much as Chantal's and Alison's words did. I really didn't think I was going to make it thru the work out and I had said I would just do a slow 20 minutes but after the encouragement from Chantal and Alison I did 30 minutes and I was hurting and short of breath and sweaty and hot and really hungry but I did it. I can't tell you how much, when you are doing somehing like this journey, it means to have people who support you and want what you want for yourself. I may not have Dolvett at the gym yelling at me to keep going but I do have wonderful people in my life who know that this time is important. Don't get me wrong I would love to have Dolvett hollering at me but there is something to be said about people not hollering at you but pushing you along!! Thanks girls and I hope if you need me in the same respect I'll be there for you or anyone else who needs it. Dolvett if you read this(HAHA) come on and whoop me into shape!!!   

This sucks!!!!

So it is day 3 of no soda at all. I have some Arnold Palmer tea's that don't have aspartame or caffeine and they are pretty good. Its a powder so I can make a pitcher of it. Well that's not the part that sucks. I have been so grateful that my friend Chantal found this awesome website with a ton of recipes that are easy and they don't require a ton of weird things that cost alot of money they are pretty easy to do too so I haven't felt so deprived like I have in the past. Again that's not the part that sucks but the part that sucks is that I am so tired since I stopped drinking soda. It's not a total rundown feeling but a feeling of not getting enough sleep. I haven't had a good night's sleep in 2 weeks. Yes some is because of my annoying neighbors but some is because I go to bed tired and lay there and when I do fall asleep I have really weird dreams. They say you are supposed to get at least 8 hours of sleep to help weight loss. I am maybe getting 5 since I started. I keep telling myself it will go away but I feel like what's the sense if I feel the way I do.
 I never want to work out but when I am tired I REALLY don't want to. So last night I had about 5 hours of sleep and when I got to the gym I didn't go as fast as I usually do but I pushed thru and even added weights like I promised myself I was going to and I think that is the key to me doing this THIS time. I have promised myself these things.... I am going to stop drinking soda... DONE so far... I am going to the gym as many days a week as I can.... DONE so far.... I am going to add weights this week and I did and  I just need to keep it up. I think this time seems different to me because I feel like if I can accomplish things. I don't know why. When I went to a weight control group I always said I wish I could flip that switch  that it seems people seem to have. Like all of a sudden they just start dropping weight and are so motivated. I am motivated but not like I keep thinking I should be. I just want to stay on this and not get discouraged. I don't like Weight Watchers because I lost my motivation. I would get mad and so much more and I don't know why. If I could figure that out I might stay motivated.
 I can't tell you how much I feel supported!! My church family, my friends and the people I work with all so ready to encourage. I hope through that I can continue and this will be a blog that ends someday with me saying I have reached my goal weight!! SO PLEASE keep encouraging me and checking on me and if you know Dolvett tell him I need him to come work out with me!!!! I would even let him yell at me. Oh yeah I was working out and I kept thinking about how if I was truly on the Biggest Loser I would have been the one laying on the ground crying!!! LOL. Also if you are around and wanna work out with me I would love that!!! Oh yeah and bring Dolvett or Tim Tebow either will do!!!!Then I would really work out!!!!

So much ....

I have debated about starting a blog because of many reasons but the reason I am starting it is because I have started so many things and never finished. I am hoping that the day will come when I can say I have accomplished my goals. The reason I titled this So much... is because I have been so encouraged by just this simple start to something that is so difficult for me and millions of other people. It is a journey. A journey that will take longer to finish than it took to start.
 I made a comment on a friend's facebook about punishing myself because I let myself get to this point but it really is hard to not feel that way about yourself if you are overweight or have a bad body image. I thought about that comment and realized that I do have to in some since of the word punish myself. I rewarded myself for so many years and went from a fit 180lbs to an unfit and flabby 300 lbs. well 296 because I lost 4 lbs this week. I am so ashamed that I have to say I weigh 300lbs but I realize that if I went on the Biggest Loser people would see it anyways so there it is out in the open.
 As part of my attempt to lose some weight I decided to cut out something that is so associated with me that even my best friend's son said WOW Tia (that's what they call me) Looovvvees Diet Coke. You could come to my house at anytime and I would have 2-3 2 liter sodas on my counter and I would go thru them in a day or two. Some weeks I was grateful I drank so much Diet Coke because I would be able to return the bottles to get groceries or little things we might need. I would start my day with a D.C. then I would have some for lunch and then dinner and maybe some before bed and even some sitting by my bed during the night. Wow!! I know I drank alot of D.C. So if you read my facebook you know that I didn't do it cold turkey and honestly I am still not out of the woods. I started with what I had left in the house from the holidays and then decreased day by day. I actually still have a caffeine free D.C. sitting on my dining room table. I don't really know why I decided to quit drinking D.C. but I am hoping I do see benefits. I guess I figure it's beyond time to make a change. It has been 2 days with no soda at all and can I tell you that when we were at the grocery store today and I saw that D.C. was buy 2 get 1 free I was sooooo tempted!! But I turned the corner and didn't give in!! They say it takes 21 days to make/break a habit so I only have 18ish more days to go!!!
So now onto the Biggest Loser competition. I think it was at choir practice ( I really don't remember when it was) we were all sitting around talking about The Biggest Loser and how we should have a similar competition and I said well lets do it.So I organized it and decided to start January 1st because it actually fell on a Sunday. We decided to make the contest go until April 1st. We weigh in every Sunday. There are 16 people involved which is exciting. Today at the first weigh in it was so nice to see everyone encourage each other. I hope it continues to happen and we keep up the enthusiasm. I will be posting some of the recipes I have tried so stay tuned. I have really liked everything so far. I hope thru this I can encourage and help people to do the same things and to maybe not get to the point I am at in my weight. I don't feel 300lbs well not until I try to get off the couch or out of bed. I am going to try not to be depressive and try to be my usual self. If I say something that you might think is self deprecating please understand that I sometimes handle things that way and I am OK with it and if you can't laugh at yourself how will others laugh with you. So thanks for joining me on my journey. I hope I can reach the destination I have set before me. I know it isn't going to be easy and I will have ups and downs but here we go........