Isn't it funny......??

So today is Sunday and that means weigh in day!! This is what they call on the Biggest loser and I have said it here before the dreaded week 2. I titled this week Isn't it funny because I always think that no matter what I do it's going to be the worst. All week I had decided that every time I eat I had eaten too much or the wrong thing even though I knew what I was eating was what I should be eating but I had this fatty bloaty feeling!! I felt like every time I ate I ate too much or had that feeling that the one last bite I took was way too much. I know from many years of doing so that I really good at self sabotage. I knew that everything I had made to eat this week was portion controlled and with in the daily calorie intake that I have set up. I guess I have neglected to say how the weigh in went because what I am saying leads up to something my friend Alison said today in that we always expect the worse. I guess I am really guilty of that because all week I was sure I was going to be well over 280 which we all know is the number I hate. I hate all the numbers I have been at but 280 has always been a sore spot for me. So when I weighed in I was shocked to see I weighed 277. I had lost 3.4 lbs. I am now at the lowest weight I have been in 16 years. I know that isn't something to be commended but it is something that gives me hope. I am hoping I can lose 7 more pounds by the time we go to Mexico at the end of May.
 I had heard somewhere that there is no such things as will power and there is part of me that believes that. I know that I have a will and how I chose to use it gives me the power. I think it's funny that in the past I had chosen to use my lack of  "will power" as an excuse for being so over weight when the truth of the matter is I just hadn't chosen to use the power of my will to make the right choices consistently. I think that I let my mind control so much of these things that it affects my body. I know when I am working out the power of my will is controlled to the point that I feel I can't go on. I work out for 45minutes to an hour most days but sometimes just 20 minutes into it I feel like I am never going to make it. Again I know Biggest Loser is not a good way to gauge things but I keep thinking about how they work out 6-8 hours a day and it is never enough. I have always thought I was I would like to be on the show but I just know I would want to give up and I would be that person crying and saying I couldn't do it because now even after just an hour of working out I feel dead and I can't believe I have done it. Instead of feeling happy that I have done it I just keep thinking about what I haven't done and what I could do and should be doing. SELF SABOTAGE!!! I know I can lose the weight and I can do what I can do and what needs to be done but because I let my mind win I feel like it is never enough when I have to believe it is going to be enough.
 So 7 pounds by May 30th I know is doable!! I just know I have to really put the pedal to the medal now! If I can do that it will put me at a 30 lb weight loss. I know I can do it but I definitely need your prayers and support. I appreciate so much all that I have received from everyone. It is so cool to see how much people are really hoping I succeed and that means so much to me. So I will keep you up to date and I promise I am going to try to be better about posting on my blog. I keep saying every night I should post but then I just decide to go to sleep. Although they say you need 8 hours sleep to lose weight so I am trying to get as much as I can. SO keep up the prayers and support and I hope I have good news next week. Thanks again!!

about 40 days.....

The cool thing about 40 days is that it is a month away and that gives me time. You may ask for what and the fact is my mom is taking me and Xavier to Mexico!! I am very excited to get away and relax!! This has been a few stressful weeks for me for different reasons. I dont' really need to get into it because there are other friends and family who are going thru things much worse than what I am experiencing and I don't want to complain. SO I won't!! I will say I am hoping that maybe the stress will not store fat but get rid of it!! I am so excited to be going away to relax, My mom asked me today if I was going to exercise on our vacation and I had to think about it. Isn't that funny. I had actually already thought about what workout wear I was going to bring and how I was going to fit my sneakers into my suitcase. In the past I would look at a vacation as a time to just be free of not worrying about exercise or what I eat. I have to honestly say I am kind of worried about the whole food thing. I know on this trip I will be thinking of the fact that I want to take many more vacations and to feel free and good about how I feel and look.
 As you know we are starting the Biggest Loser summer edition at church and I feel like I want to take it serious because the summer is going to be an easier time I think to do things and keep motivated but honestly the first thing I associate with summer is food!! It is when food seems to taste so good.Grilling, fruit, fresh veggies,and so much more. Fortunately most summer food CAN be good for you but I also find that in my frame of mind that because it is "good" for you I can eat as much as I want!! I think that was what I was doing with Subway. I had said in my last post that I was only going to get 6inch subs from now on. Well I went to Subway Monday night and guess what it was nice out and I hadn't eaten since 11am and it was 730 so I got a foot long. The funny thing is my friend Alison's daughter works there and she had read my blog and she tried to say "hey you said....." and I was like i know but.... and I still got it and ate it and I felt like poo after not because it was really bad for me but because I had gone back on one of the things I had promised myself. Thanks Emily for trying to keep me honest and on track!! So tonight Xavier had drivers ed until 8 and my mom and I had gone shopping and had a lovely time (I think), but we both hated most things we tried on because we are both at weights where we want things to look good but nothing looks great! We got some stuff but I wish she had found more. My mom has lost a ton of weight since last winter and I am so proud of her. I hope that some day soon we can both get into much smaller sizes when we go shopping. I can tell my mom is starting to feel somewhat better. I just want her to be able to do more things and I want to be able to do more too.
 I know I am kind of rambling but today I was leaving work and I saw this really heavy woman walking in to the hospital carrying all kinds of McDonalds food and drinks. She could hardly breath and I wanted to stop her and tell her she would feel so much better if she didn't eat it!! I know being a fat girl no one really wants to hear that from someone. It really does have to come from with in you!! I have noticed that so much more this time than any other time in my dieting career. I say career because it really becomes a job. If it was really my job I would have been fired a long time ago. I am thinking my work ethic in this whole dieting thing has gotten better, but I am still working my way up the ladder. I have had Mcd's but not like I used to and I still am very conscientious about what I eat. I have learned that I can still have things and be careful but not over do it! I think that's one of the biggest lessons I have not only learned but have tried to live by and that is I don't have to deprive myself but I have to think before I eat!! I hope people are still reading and still understand how much their support means to me!! I hope I have some good results in the next few weeks that I can share with everyone.

Here we go again

So the summer edition of Biggest loser started today at church and well when I weighed in I was back up to 280! At first I was kind of mad but then I realized. I am at 280 NOT 300!!! 20 lbs less than I was at the beginning of this year and at the spot I have always given up on!! This time I am excited because there is no way I can really head back up to the direction I once was.
 It seemed like calorie counting and fat counting worked to some degree but I think I really need to change things up alittle. I really wasn't eating alot of carbs before so I really need to find where I was eating them and cut some of them out. I think the only time I had bread was on subway night and I can honestly say I am going to only do 6 inches and not the footlongs like I was. I know it seems like a lot but the calories fell with in my limits. But I know that is one thing I need to work on. I have cut down alot on portions but I am going to try to be more conscience of the right portions.
 I also am excited about writing more. I have been so blessed by everyone's response to my writing and my struggles and success's. I want you to all know I haven't given up because this is going to be a lifelong adventure but I am happy to have you here to share in the highs and lows with me. Please feel free to leave any and all comments to me!! And I look forward to sharing more with you!! Hopefully all good news!!!

Ready..... get set...... WAAIIIITTT!!!!!

So a couple of things... I was scolded the other day because I hadn't written in a while and I had promised I would write again. So here I am . The Biggest Loser contest at church is over but only for a couple of weeks as everyone enjoyed doing it so much they decided to we should do it through the summer. So unfortunately for some of you who have been my biggest cheerleaders I am going to need you for alittle longer. I actually will probably love to have you around for the rest of my life but I know that is asking too much. We only really have one week off but I am not looking at it as being off. I have been going to the gym and I haven't honestly been watching what I eat as much but I do have to say the last 3 months have changed my choices alot! Today Xavier and I both had the day off and we spent it outside because the weather was nice and we had errands to run and I normally would have grabbed a diet coke and I really actually wanted one, but I honestly tried to remember what it tasted like and I couldn't remember so I decided not to get one. It seemed so weird for me to actually keep with something I had kind of promised myself. Maybe this time is really a big change for me. So with the Biggest loser being done I ended it with a 21 lb weight loss and I lost a total of 9 inches. I have tried to look at as I didn't lose ONLY 20 lbs but that I lost 20 lbs in 3 months and that if I keep doing it I will lose 20lbs in the next 3 months and so on that by my birthday next year I will have lost almost 100 lbs. I think I can do it. At least I hope I can!!
 I titled this ready set wait because I feel like I am on a path but I keep getting set backs sometimes. Everyone knows how much I dislike exercise. I have never kept that hidden it is certainly something I am sure everyone knows. I know that I have a lot of weight to move around and I am sure it will get easier at some point when I have lost a good amount but I keep feeling like I should be feeling alot different. I have been going to the gym pretty much everyday but maybe 2 days a week and I keep thinking it will get easier to breath and keep going. I have gradually moved up from working out 15 minutes to being on the machines for an hour. I have been doing it for an hour for the last month and I just find myself still struggling to get through.It is like one day I do it and I don't have a problem but then there are nights( like tonight) when I just get on a machine and I am starting and things are going ok and then all of a sudden I have a hard time breathing and my legs hurt and in my head and  my body I am screaming I can't do this!! I can't keep going!! It is too much for me!! It was so bad tonight that I had to text my friend Alison because I really just wanted to give up. Thank goodness she was available because I really would have gotten off the ARC trainer (machine of death as I so affectionately call it). I really truly felt like I couldn't go on. But because she is one of my cheerleaders she kept texting me that I could keep going and I could do it. When I finished I knew that the only thing that got me through was God (because I was praying alot too) and Alison. I have come to realize that I need the support everyone has given me and I need it to continue.
 So if you are reading this and you have been one of those people who cheered me on please know that I am truly grateful!! I need it!! As much as I try to make myself come across as a strong person, i know that I really need to hear from everyone. Now it is on to Biggest Loser Summer edition. If you have it in you please continue to write me and email and whatever it takes because I need you and I thank you for all you have done for me so far!!! I am hoping it gets easier and that I continue to see results. So if you are reading this and you thought since biggest loser was over that I would stop writing... well I guess you are incorrect I guess I will be writing this for some time and I am hoping to be better about writing. I will try to write a couple of times a week. I look forward to sharing with you the rest of my journey and I covet your prayers!!!!

How come.........??

How come? Every day I hear my self saying that to many different things. How come I can't be rich or at least be able to pay my bills? How come I keep watching American Idol even though I hate it!!?? How come I can't enjoy exercise? How come people can be so hurtful? I don't know the answer to alot of the questions I wonder about. I do know that one question I find myself asking is how come I let myself get to this point that I am having to make all these changes in my life and writing about it? What brought this writing on is during my trip to Pennsylvania I flew, which I love to do but having to ask the flight attendant for a seat belt extender is not one of favorite things to do. No matter how discreetly I try to ask it somehow becomes a big production. How come? I know I am not the first fat person to fly. I often wonder if they think that making it more humiliating will make me want to lose weight?  Normally I dont' mind flying short flights because I know I can pee before I get on the plane and be ok and not have to worry about using the bathroom on the plane. I also always pick a window seat so I know if someone ends up sitting with me I would have to crawl over them and that isn't easy to do. I don't pour over into the other seat when someone is sitting with me so I keep hoping that people will not mind so much sitting with me. On the last flight back they plane wasn't completely full and I had picked a row with just me in it, but I guess during the time I had picked my seat the plane started filling up. So just as we were to leave this man got on the plane, he was actually the last person on the plane and when he saw that the seat he was assigned was next to me he looked like the world had come to an end. He kept looking back and forth to see if there was another empty seat and fortunately for him and me there was an empty seat. He asked the flight attendant if he could sit the empty seat and she obliged. The funny thing to me is that he was a black guy and most of the time black guys don't mind being around me. I had not had that treatment in a very long time. I can actually say I have never had someone look at me that way. It was a first for me. I have always been heavy but never let it bother me and usually if someone says something or looks at me funny I make a comment and honestly I wanted to find this guy when we got off the plane and ask him if I totally grossed him out and why he felt so strongly about not sitting in the same aisle as my. I do have to be honest and say I have looked at people who were my size or bigger and thought things that I shouldn't have. How come?
 So now my question is how come I can't lose this weight quicker? I am doing all I can and the mere fact I got below 280 for the first time in at least 10 years has been a huge motivation and also a big scare. Now I am worried about gaining it back and also what if I can't lose more? All those things keep bringing me back to how come I let myself get here? I think I am on the right track but I am afraid that I will fail and I don't want to. I want this time more than any other time to be the time I do this. I don't care about the total in the end I just want to get to a healthier weight and be a better example as a mom.

I DID IT!!!!!!

I will write more later because I dont' have time right now but I wanted to write and let all those who have supported me through out my concern with getting past this wall that is set before me, that has made me worry and stress out well I got thru that barrier. I weighed in today and I am down 3lbs which puts my weight at 278!!!!!!!!!! NOT just below 280 but 2 lbs below 280. I haven't been able to ever do it in the last 10 years!!! Now onto the next level. I covet your prayers that I will continue to lose and that I will be able to reach my goal this year!!!

A weekend of worry....

This is going to be a shorter than usual post because for one I am exhausted and I will have more to write about this week. Everyone who knows me or looked at Facebook or even just read my blog knows that I went away this weekend to visit with friends I had not seen since high school which was over 25 years ago. It was alot of fun and I looked forward to it for so many reasons but I also looked at with some apprehensions. Being fat and going away has always had me focused on food. Not so much the calories or fat or healthy or unhealthy but where and when and how much I could get to. Whenever I go away I always look for places that aren't around here and feel like I need to overload on them because it will be a long time before I can get back there. So not so much this time. I did go with out thinking so much about it but since I started this adventure I kind of always have it in the back of my head. This time I was worried I wouldn't eat right and I would gain all my weight back, and not because my friends were encouraging me to eat poorly that was just the opposite. They were so supportive and in fact made recipes from skinnytaste. Well the long and the short of this is when I got home today. After a long day of flying and decisions and a great weekend I came home and went to church and weighed and I hadn't gained or lost a thing. I was hoping to be below 280 but knowing that I was tired and PMS'd and away I was happy with that. I have more to say but that was the most important today. I will write more tomorrow about this weekend and some things I struggled with but for now I feel grateful for friends who are supportive and that I was able to maintain. I am planning on losing at least 2lbs this week. I really need to get over this hurdle it is dragging me down too long.