OH NO HERE IT COMES!!!!!!!

Well it has been alittle bit since I have written because I have been sick. I am pretty sick of being sick right now. The colds I have gotten this year have really done a number on me. I was really hoping eating better and exercising was really going to help me be more healthy including not getting sick but obviously viruses have other ideas. With the cold coming to an end I have headed back to the gym with much reluctance. But this week has also brought on another issue for me. I lost 0.7lbs this week which brings me within 2.3 lbs of a number that has haunted me for several years. I get down to 280 and for some reason can never get past it. So when I am this close it scares me and I am afraid that I am never going to get past it. I know the word never is a big word and I shouldn't use it because this is a new trek for me. I am approaching it differently this time, but it doesn't mean I can't be worried about it. It has been a number that for years gives me this wall that I feel that I just can't knock down.
  I was told today by a longtime friend that the reason I am single is because I have a defeatist attitude. I guess I really never thought of it that way. I dont' want this stupid number to defeat me but it has been such a block for several years. Chantal has been with me thru the tears of staying at that number for weeks and weeks no matter how hard I try. I have to admit I am trying harder this time more than ever. I am trying to make this number be my competition. I so badly want to get on the scale this week and see a number under 280. It could be 279.9 and I would be so unbelievably happy. It would also mean I have lost 20 lbs. I know when people say they have lost 20lbs it is something that can be seen on most people or you notice a difference in your clothes. I dont' have either one. I always say when you are this size 20lbs is a drop in the bucket. I will be happy with 20lbs don't get me wrong but I feel like it is taking so long but really I am kind of where I wanted to be. I have said 10lbs a month.
 So I am trying to break down this wall of insecurity I have with this silly number. I just hope I can dig deep this week and lose that 2.3 or more pounds,

This is getting tougher!!!

I haven't written in a while because I have been sick. Anyone who knows me knows that this cold was like a truck hitting me. With the sickness I haven't been able to go to the gym and I am honestly kind of scared. I haven't been in a week and I am afraid because it has been so easy to not go that I will just not go again ever. We all have patterns and mine is to kind of start giving up when it seems easier to just give up than to keep trying. The other thing is my fridge isn't working well so I had to turn it off so the repair guy can look at it to see if it can be fixed. (more money). So tonight instead of cooking because I would have to go thru coolers of food, we went to the mall. Xavier needed new shoes for school so it was a good excuse. So the mall has all kind of draws for me of which shopping isn't one of those things, its actually the food and soda. Whenever I go to the mall I would get a Diet Coke from Mcd's and the I would have Taco Bell and when we left I would get a pretzel. So now when I go to the mall it is really hard to not think about those things. We did do Taco Bell and it is nice that they have the calorie content so I actually didn't do so bad at that. Then because they serve soda I had to try to find something that wasn't soda and didn't have a million calories. I have learned that alot of "diet" drinks have more than 100 calories and that's such a waste of good calories. I could have another taco for that and alittle more, LOL. Honestly it was hard to walk past Mcd's and not get a Diet Coke. There was a part of me that wondered if I would still like it or if it would really be such a bad thing for me to get one. Truthfully it wouldn't be a "bad" thing but it would be me giving up on  a goal. I found some diet Snapple tea and I actually enjoyed it with my tacos.We did our shopping that we needed and when it was time to go the thought to get a pretzel went through my head. It really is funny the things that I associate with different places. Anytime we go on a trip I plan all the places we are going to eat and how to get to them and then I look for a hotel and how to get there. I have priorities. As I walked thru the mall all those thoughts came to mind and then I started thinking about how careful I was at Taco Bell, not as good as I could have been but I didn't exceed my calorie count. I just think about the past when I wouldn't have thought about any of those things. It really is easier with the calories posted but I also looked it at and realized how easy it was for me to go there and eat almost 2500 calories at one meal and then get a pretzel and that tonight I ate under 700 calories. That made me feel good.. It would have just been a ritualistic kind of trip. I know that this is just part of a journey and I will have alot of these little milestones I hope. I am also trying to remember where I don't want to go especially in my head!!
  I am going to dinner tomorrow night with some friends and I actually started to get worried as I looked at the menu of the place where we are going because I am afraid I will cave and just get what I think I want.I am doing like I have learned and I am trying to preplan in my head what I might get. I am actually very picky so my choices are usually pretty limited and usually what I like is the fattening high calorie stuff. So with tonight being a success at Taco Bell, although I actually wish I hadn't eaten it but I needed something different and to prove I could do it and be ok.
 Well this week is coming to a close and the weigh in looms over my head and I am kind of afraid because I haven't been to the gym and I had Taco Bell (even though I was pretty good). I hope just the fact that I was sick and that I was being careful will reflect in my numbers. I can sense alot of the people at church losing their motivation and I don't want to lose it but I can also sense it in myself. I want everyone to just keep exctied at this weight loss adventure. Keep me in your prayers and I'll be letting everyone know soon how things go. Thanks for the encouragement and please don't be afraid to keep it up because I need it.!!!!!!!

It's about time.......

I forgot to say in my last post that I am at 12 pounds down so 288. Honestly I have been here before and it is usually about this time I hit a wall and plateau. When that happens I get really frustrated and want to stop and usually I do. I am NOT going to do that this time. I just had a discussion with Xavier and us staying on track and I think with all the support from the friends, family and co-workers that I am getting I am hoping I can just keep going. I am going to be 42 on March 16th and by then I am hoping to be down to under 280. I am going to visit my friend Amy and Julie that weekend and I would like to feel somewhat more comfy in the airplane seat than I have in the past. I have mentioned in the past how much I love to fly but how embarrassing it is to have to ask for a seat belt extender and I hate sitting next to people I don't know because I am in my head thinking they are thinking " OH great I have to sit next to the one fatty on the plane" I am sure that isn't always the case but when your fat that is kind of always going thru your head even though it may not be the case. Well enough whining about being fat because I wanted to share that for the first time in this whole adventure someone walked up to me and asked me if I was losing weight!! I was so excited inside but kind of downplayed it. It was a lady that works for the OR but not in the OR so I don't see her on a daily basis so it was nice. She came out and asked me if I was losing weight and she said she recognized my hair but thought something looked different and then when she saw my face she said she could tell I was losing weight. I truly downplayed it and said I was trying and talked about the fact we are doing Biggest loser at church and how important it is to have the support and I can honestly say that it has been helpful. It really is nice for someone to recognize that you are working hard and that they can see the changes. I try to tell Xavier how great he looks since he started and how I can tell that his uniforms are fitting better and he is looking so much better and I do see it and I hope he sees and keeps on trying.
 Well last night I went to church to drop Xavier off for the church allnighter and one of the guys that goes to church (not knowing someone else had said something) said to me "You can tell your losing weight I can see it in your face. Good job. Keep up the good work" He has no idea how much that meant. That even though I was sick and irritated with my teen it was nice to hear someone else say that. It is hard when you don't see it other than a mere 12 pounds on the scale but when other say they can see it it really means so much. I so hope in a couple of months it will really be noticeable to me and others. I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone again. I still really need the encouragement and the cheerleading as much as I did the first couple of weeks. I feel like some of us are losing motivation and I am going to work on getting everyone excited again for it this week. Again please keep up with the encouragement. I know I shouldn't ask but it really does help me keep perspective. Here's hoping to alittle weight loss this week. I only got to the gym twice because of schedules and then I got this stupid cold and I haven't felt like it but I have kept on track with my eating I think so I am hoping for alittle loss. How much does snot weigh because my head is full of it? I should be able to take a pound or 2 off for that!! Well on that note.... I will say goodnight and hopefully I can report a weight loss tomorrow.

From McDonalds bags to Planet Fitness water bottles and tootsie roll wrappers

I know that it's been a little while since I wrote and I apologize but I do have a teenage son and I have been spending time with him and traveling to see him play basketball games and just being a mom. I may not always be good at it but I want him to know I am always here for him and I am his biggest fan. He may not play much but I still can't wait to cheer him on when he gets out to play.
 The title to this is post is kind of funny but the other day I was trying to clean out my front passenger side floor so my son could get in and not step all over trash and when I reached to down to clean it up I realized that what I was picking up was such an extreme from what had been there before. Instead of McDonald's cups and wrappers I was picking up Planet Fitness water bottles and tootsie roll wrappers(they have a bucket of them as you leave PF as a treat after working out). If anyone knows me at all they know how McD's has always been a big part of my life and may have been, if not the whole reason but a big reason of why I am sitting here today writing this blog. I started working at Mcd's when I was 16 and even before that it was such a treat to go to Mcd's. Pretty soon it wasn't a treat it was kind of an addiction. I had always joked at work that I believe they put something in the food so that people would keep coming back and to some degree I think that it might be true but no way to prove it other than my weight continuing to rise. I look back now at how huge I thought I was and I was an XL weighing about 200lbs. I sit here today writing this at 288. Almost 100 pounds more than when I worked at Mcd's. NOT to say that I stopped going to Mcd's by any sense of the word but I think I actually went more. I had at one point been going everyday. I would say it was just to get a Diet Coke or I didn't have time to make breakfast. There was always a reason when truth be told I didn't just get a Diet Coke. I would get a cheesburger or chicken nuggets or sometimes even both. I then started getting breakfast everyday because it was easier to go thru the drive thru. I could leave the house alittle earlier and get a hot breakfast instead of eating cereal or something. One day after my daily breakfast of a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit and a hashbrown,  I was walking into work from the shuttle I was having a hard time breathing and almost like chest pain. It wasn't the type of hearattack pain that I hear about but it was enough to scare me but it didn't stop me. I thought it was just I was tired or coming down with something. So as the day went on I was fine. So the next day drive thru again and the same breakfast again the same pain on my way in, but I still didn't stop. I joined a weight control group a few years ago and one of the challenges the leader gave me was to stop going to Mcd's. I thought she was alittle off but I decided to try it. Oh believe me I still go Diet Coke from other places but I did stop going for  several months, and surprisingly my chest stopped hurting. So I stuck with it until it became inconvient to not go or at least that is what I told myself. So I started going occassionally when I needed something to tide me over until dinner and then it just progressed to the point I was getting something and then having dinner and snacks later too. I also loved their Diet Coke. I don't know what it was but that was my whole rationalizing was that I needed to get a Diet Coke. Well the pains started again and I decided to stop getting anything other than Diet Coke, which worked for a while. Well we know that being healthy is not always easy and so like dieting this was all up and down for me. Sometimes I was really good about it and other times not so good and I would continue to go. It wasn't until I started seeing what I was doing to my son that I realized something needed to change. It was nothing for us to order a meal and chicken nuggets and other stuff and I saw my son getting heavier and heavier and at one point stopped looking at myself and saw the damage I was doing to us as a whole.How can I stop? I remember one day cleaning out the back of my car and I had a tall kitchen garbage bag and it was full of fast food containers and bags! I thought I hope that none of my neighbors see this. How sick is that that I wanted to hide my poor habits from my neighbors but I was wearing it all over in the form of FAT!!!
 With all that being said I will be honest and say there are still some fast food bags in the back seat of my car but the stuff that was in them was in no way what it used to be. We got breakfast of Egg mcmuffins and when we go we look at the fat and calorie content and most of the time we leave and go to Subway. Xavier has made huge decisions and amazing strides in this whole adventure which I hope will continue. He will talk about what he wants and then ask how many calories and how much fat is in it and then changes his mind. So now we have come a distance and there is still a long way to go but to honestly say that I would much rather be picking up tootsie roll wrappers and water bottles than fast food wrappers is a huge thing!! And my hope and prayer is that as time goes on it will stay that way!!

Its the "small" things.

This is going to be kind of short and sweet because I do tend to ramble on. Tonight I had a quandry! I had to head to Xavier's basketball game right after work which is when I usually go to the gym. He had left his stuff in my car so I had to rush there because the game started at 5. I was starving when I left. I had lunch at 12ish and I was starting to get alittle hungry before I got there but I had planned on making chicken chili when I got home. But I remembered I really needed to go to the gym. By the time we got home it was close to 630pm and I also needed to go to the store to get lunch stuff for tomorrow for both Xavier and I. So I decided I just wouldn't go, but if I didn't go that would mean I wouldn't get to go until Thurs. because of church on Wed. night so it was looking like i should really try to go to the gym. With much dread I put on my shoes and grabbed my stuff and headed out the door, still not having been able to eat. I went to the gym and to the store and I realized I really hadn't eaten still and so I decided to do something quick which is not always the best choice but after sitting and looking up calories I decided that at Mcd's I would get a southern chicken sandwich which has no condiments on it and a small fry. I couldn't wait to get home to eat it. By the time I got home and sat down to eat it my stomach was kind of topsy turvy and I was sure I just needed to eat. That first bite was so good even though things were alittle cold, but as I continued to eat I suddenly felt it wasn't that good. Actually it was good but instead of listening to the little voice in my head that said keep going don't waste, you don't have Mcd's often, keep going eat thru the pain, I STOPPED!!! I put the sandwich and what was left of a SMALL fry I folded up in the box and threw it away!! I actually threw fries from a small fry away!! Who does that!!!!??? Its a small fry for crying out loud!! But I did it. I didn't do it to show anyone but myself that I didn't really need to eat the whole thing to feel full. It's the little things that hopefully will add up in the end!!! Thanks for all the support from everyone!! It means the world to me!!!!

Where to now....?

Many of you know that this weeks weigh in was not a good one for me. It wasn't horrible but I had worked so hard all week and when I weighed in I had gained almost a half pound (not quite almost). I was excited that my friends all were doing well and I thought maybe it would be a good week for me. I had spent every day but Wed. and Sun. at the gym increasing my time on the elliptical and being refrained from doing so many days of weights but I did do them 3 days because it does help get me going. I really felt for the first time in a long time I had worked really hard and it was going to pay off. I usually wait until the end to weigh because I am weighing everyone else and then I can either rejoice with just Alison and myself or cry like I did on Sunday and like I am now. I have been so good with serving sizes and carbs and calories. I kept track of everything I ate. I made nothing but skinnytaste.com recipes or ate Subway or something really healthy. There is nothing like standing there waiting for those 0.00 to change to a weight that you are hoping is down from what you were the week before. People are always saying don't be a slave to the scale, don't let the numbers bother you, it's all in how you feel!! Well when you get on the scale and you say to yourself you aren't going to let the number bother you or affect you it's a lie. Everyone is like it's all in how you feel but honestly at this weight it's hard to feel good about yourself even after a good week and the scale goes up. If you have never been 300 lbs its easy to say those things. I am so honored and encouraged by what everyone is saying to me. I can't tell you how much it means to me. I am crying now as I am writing this because all of the people who have just continued to push me is amazing. I never thought I would have such a support. But with that being said I have to say that even when I read them and I am so touched the only thing I hear is how much I hate doing this and how much I am mad that I didnt' lose a thing last week. How I am now behind in my goal because of last week. Honestly I don't feel good!! My body hurts, I am tired and today being the first Monday of the month Planet Fitness has Papa Johns' pizza and I have been wanting pizza so bad, but the great thing about that is after and hour on the elliptical all I wanted to do was throw up from the smell. I actually also had this thought as I was passing thru the gym and all the skinny people are sitting there eating pizza was that they were sitting there looking at the one fat girl in the gym and thinking surely she is going to come have pizza. As I left the gym without taking pizza I wondered how many people that were sitting there ( there were alot of people sitting there eating) were surprised to see me walk out with out any pizza. That is what it is like in a big girls head all the time. I have lived my life thinking I don't care what those people are thinking but the reality is it cuts to the core of who you are.
 Today as I was hurting and struggling thru the hour of pain and agony I was thinking how cool it would be to walk in here in a year and have the people who work there everyday, including the moron trainer, see me as a smaller girl (100lbs at least). I have had that dream many times. I want to see people who have known me all my life as a big girl see me as a smaller girl, a healthier girl. But truth be told those dreams are strong until I get on the scale at 290lbs and the number goes up my dreams go out the window. I know this is one week but each day of this is a struggle and I wake up hurting everyday and I say to myself I am not sure I can do this anymore. I know I have to keep going but it would be really easy to give up. I also know I need to have all the advice and encouragement or I will give up. Thanks for all of it!!!

How does it get to this....?

I was always kind of naive when it came to alot of things. I know that the things I know now were things I would never thought possible. I can say I have played the naive card alot in the past. The one thing I know I haven't been naive about is how I got to this point. I do like to pretend I knew what I was doing, that I knew I was fat and that it was ok. Like I have said before I was always overweight and I remember when I was 100 lbs smaller and 20 years younger than I am now I thought I was huge and I thought then I could lose weight no problem. I was always confident and I did have men interested in me then but I didn't date anyone because I wasn't feeling attractive. IF I had only known then what I know now I wonder how things would have been different. I think its funny the things we thought before have changed. Now here I am looking back and thinking these things when the fact of the matter is I should be focusing on what could be. It seems so much easier to look back on what was then it is to look forward to what could be. I think I have gotten so set in thinking about what could be and what was, that I am having a hard time focusing on now. 
  I have had many thoughts running through my head in the last couple of weeks. I keep thinking about how I so easily give up on this whole losing weight thing in the past. How it would be nice to just go back to eating what I want and not going to the gym. I hate going to the gym. But then I think about what if I didn't think of all these things. Where would I be? Where would my son be? I know that the things I am changing and doing are for us. Today was kind of a milestone in my thinking and ways I can change. I made a goal today to go for an hour on the elliptical and do my weights too. I know that there are people who do this everyday, but I don't. This exercise thing is just something I can't get into. I never really liked it but I was able to do things more easily when I was younger and honestly alot lighter, but like all the things I am trying to do, changing how I feel about exercise is high on the list. I don't look forward to it but I am trying to look forward to how I am going to feel in a few months. I have tried to set small goals and each one so far has been met. Today was a huge one for me, I did the weights and then I did 1 hour on the elliptical. I have such a hard time even most of the time getting to 30-40 minutes but today I had decided it was time to go past my comfort zone. So I did.I still don't get it when people say they feel so good after exercise.  Honestly the best part of the whole thing was the messages I got on Facebook. It makes me feel so good that people are so behind me. SO with this goal being met I am going to try to set a new goal. I am going to try to keep at an hour for a while and I am really hoping to be 30lbs down by my birthday (March 16th). Now the big worry is the scale tomorrow. I hope I have some results. I know people say it doesn't matter but the reality is that it does matter. So here's to goals and meeting them and hoping I can stick with this.

Losing momentum.......

Today was an interesting day. I had taken the day off as a death in family day and I spent some time (alot of time) thinking about my uncle. The funeral was yesterday and I spent this morning looking at pics my cousins had posted and just remembering how much I missed him and the fun we used to have when we would visit them. There were little things all day that made me think of him and my aunt and my cousins. So knowing I had the day off to do such things we had made plans to go to the gym earlier in the day (1130am). I don't usually get to go until after work(4pmish) I figured it would be a good break and I wouldn't sit home and cry. I honestly am surprised how much the death of my uncle has hit me. I think alot of it is thinking about my dad.
So we get to the gym and I just kept thinking I am just not into it. I don't know why. Thank goodness Alison, Rachelle and Emily were meeting me there because I am sure I would have stayed home and sulked all day. I am getting concerned because I feel like giving up!! I don't want to and I CAN'T but I just feel like I can't keep going like I am. I am sure some of it is the emotions I have had all week, but I am also famous for giving up. Alison said to me today that this is going to be a good week. I keep saying that every week and still feeling let down. I let myself down more than anything. I haven't been eating badly or not working out. Actually just the opposite but I feel like I am going no where. My body still hurts and I have such a hard time getting myself to the gym and instead of going longer and faster I find it harder to do the speed and distance I was doing last week. I really had to push myself today and I just didn't like it( I actually never do). I push myself everyday but today just seemed so exhausting. I don't want this to continue to happen. I keep thinking that at some point maybe I will start to like it, or all of a sudden my clothes will start to fall off because I have lost so much weight in one week. NOT HAPPENING!!!
 So how I do I keep myself going? How do I continue to go to the gym everyday? How do I not eat everything I want to eat? Since Jan.1st. I have been relatively good. How do I make that a lifelong goal to be as motivated today as I was 32 days ago? I dont' have it in me!!! I know that I have to make this a life long commitment for me and Xavier but it seems like it would be easier and cheaper to just go back to being fat!! NOT HAPPENING!!!
I don't know how I am going to do it. I do know that I can't do it myself. I can't let Xavier see me wanting to give in, he has come so far and is doing so well I don't want to hinder any progress for him. I want him to see that this battle we are facing is going to be worth it in the end. I think that is my problem. I can't see the end. I can't see what I may look like. I can't think about the way I will feel. All I can see is this big girl feeling helpless and in a lot of pain. Why am I fat???!!! I dont' even care about being "skinny" I just want to be healthy and I am feeling like that is so far out of reach.
The song I have listened to ALOT during my workouts has been a song by Matthew West called Strong Enough and even though the song wasn't written about me or weight loss it is a song that I find myself singing alot and listening to as I work out so I will push myself. The words of the song start out with "You must think I am strong to give me what I am going thru. Well forgive me, forgive me if I am wrong, but it looks like more than I can do on my own." Those words are how I feel all the time. I am not sure if the reason I am fat is because it is a battle I need to go thru or to prove to me that I need to rely on God for EVERYTHING!!! I know He isn't going to just let me lose 50 lbs in a week but the best part of the song comes in here when I start to think the way I have been today and if you are ever at the gym and you see me with a horrible look on my face and I am mouthing words theses are the words of the song that make me keep on with my work out and lifestyle change and it happens to be one of my favorite Bible verses and it says "I can do all things through Christ who give me strength and I dont' have to be strong enough" But today the verse that is just before this part of the song is what stood out to me and it says "Well maybe that's the point to reach the point of giving up, because when I finally reach rock bottom that's when I start looking up...." I have come to the point where I have come close to giving up but I have also had a talk with God saying I need your help. I think He wants to help me. I hope He does, because I did do the things I needed to do and I already have my gym clothes out for the gym tomorrow. I dont' want to go but I have to go. I can do ALL things!!!
 I knew this wasn't going to be easy but I thought it would get easier over time. I guess 30something days isn't long enough. LOL.!!! So with all that being said I am asking for your prayers your encouragement and what ever else the Lord lays on your heart for me. I have a goal of 100 lbs by Dec. 31 and I really hope I can sit here on that night and say to you and myself. "I DID IT" I am putting it in God's hand. I have no control.