Disappointment, and anxious about vacation

As everyone knows I am going to Mexico on Thursday. I am really excited but since you read this you know that my last post I was hoping to lose 30lbs by the time I left and I was going to be better about writing. Well neither happened. I haven't written anything since then and I actually gained 2 lbs the week I wrote about being better but then I lost them last week. So I am still 4lbs from 30. I know that sounds great but now I have to add my worry about going on my vacation.
 As a big girl I always looked forward to going on vacation because it was a great time to eat. I am the girl that literally didn't plan anything else other than where I was going to eat and when I could fit some extra food places in. Now as I get ready to go to Mexico I am not only thinking about what I can eat but what I shouldn't eat. I am excited but I am also scared. As a fat girl going back in the direction you worked so hard to get away from is devastating and as many times as I have done it I have never been this close to a weight that I haven't been at for many years! I want to go on this vacation without having to worry about anything but I realized this afternoon that this will always be a worry even if I reach my goal of 100lbs. I also know that I am not going to be perfect on this trip. But I think that things I have learned and the goals I have set will help me keep some perspective. I know my mom and hopefully Xavier will be an encouragement to me to try to stay in line. It is really kind of scary to think about the challenges I have to deal with on this trip. I am excited about being able to relax and get sun and have food and spending time with my mother and my son but in the back of my head is the number that is going to show on the scale when I get home.
 So with alittle excitement and apprehension I will say I will write when I get back about the trip and hopefully it will be a success with sun and good food choices!!! Wish me luck!!

Frustrated and ........

Well frustrated should be enough to describe where I am at! I have been working out pretty much 4-5 times a week and as things progress I increase my workout. Things were going along well and I have to my surprise continued to lose weight. I am now 274!! Exciting I know. I am 4 lbs away from 30 lost and yet I am ready to quit and give up!! I need a rejuvenation and it doesn't seem to be coming. I thought having the Biggest Loser contest going through out the summer would be so helpful and it has but I am really struggling to say positive. For the last 2 weeks going to the gym has been harder than usual. I feel defeated because I am so tired and I know that is contributing to my lack of enthusiasm (more than usual) about working out. I am just frustrated because up until the last couple of weeks I was working out 45 minutes to an hour and these last 2 weeks I barely make it 30 minutes and not at all close to the pace I was keeping. Yes I have increased my resistance but not enough to make me feel this way. I for some reason during the week can not sleep. I know it is because of stuff going on at work and I think subconciously I can't turn it off. I guess to get it out there my management at work has decided that a position I have been in for 4 years and that they asked me to take on and I LOVE I am no longer qualified to do because I am not an RN. I am only an LPN. An LPN with almost 15 years of nursing experience and 8 of those years in the OR and 4 of those primarily doing robotics. But because I wasn't able to finish my RN I am told I can't do the job anymore. SO I think to some degree that has been weighing on my mind. There is more to the story but that is really all that needs to be said. I am trying to handle this with grace and dignity but I am not always doing such a good job and I think it is somewhat interfering with my sleep. I dont normally sleep that well during the week but the last few weeks have been worse. I think that is why I can't work out like I have been in the past. This past Friday into Sat. I slept almost 9 hours and when I went to the gym I worked out for 50 minutes and kicked butt and found out I lost 2 lbs on Sunday even after going out with my great friends on Friday night and having nachos and wings and Mild duds at the movie!!! So it is true that rest can really affect your weight loss and stress affects rest!!
 Where do I go from here? I haven't written here because I have been struggling with so much in my life at work and personally and I really feel bad I haven't been better. After even just writting this I feel somewhat better and I am hoping I can find the strength to keep going. I have come so far!!! I have much further to go and I dont' want to give up even though I feel like I can't go on anymore!!
 I came across this verse in Psalms today and I realized it was for me this week. It is Psalms 73:26
 My flesh and my heart faileth:but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
My flesh and my heart certainly seem to fail me lately but I have to settle this with God and realize that despite my feeling that I can't go on, God knows I can.
I am going to keep pressing on and it is going to be hard and you may see me complain more or maybe once I get to the next milestone I will be revived. I do need your prayers and encouragement because I don't want to give up. Thanks for all the support and I will do my best to be here more. Thanks!!!