Who do you think you are???

Well tonight after going to the gym for an hour and a half I headed to Xavier's basketball game. When I got there my dad was there and he was sitting in a chair and then he had to leave so I sat down in the chair. When halftime came this older woman gets up and walks over and stands by me and starts talking how she had to get up and walk around and then I am not kidding you she looks at me with this look that clearly says "Shouldn't you get up off your butt fatgirl!" I am not exaggerating. So I looked back at her and calmly said "Well I am welcoming the chance to sit because I just came from the gym." Again I kid you not she said to me "Well it must be hard just starting out!"and in her head the sentence ended with"at your weight". I have to tell you I could have strangled her. How dare her!! I may be a big girl but I am not just starting out!! I wanted to say "You know what lady I have been struggling with this my entire life and I don't know who you think you are and unless you are Dolvett standing here telling me this to get my butt off the chair I think you better check yourself!!!" But I didn't. I just looked at her and smiled because she had no idea that when you say something like that to a fat girl it isn't a casual conversation it seems like an attack.
 So hence comes the title of my post. I know you are thinking I was thinking that(Who do you think you are) about this woman and honestly yes I was at first and then I realized "this is who I am" I am the fat girl sitting in the chair that probably gives the impression that I dont' move or work or exercise but I know that NOW that isn't who I am but that was who I was to some degree. I have always worked even as a big girl, even when I didn't want to. I have always been somewhat athletic up until the last few years. But that is not who I am not. Who do I think I am? I am a single mother of a sweet 16 year old son. I am a woman with low self esteem, who works to provide for my son. I am the daughter of two amazing and wonderful parents that I have often taken for granted. I am a friend not always a great friend but I will always love my friends.I am a woman who craves the love of a man and to have a bigger family. I am a girl who has had a life long relationship with food that has put me in the place where I am trying to figure out who I am and to make sure that Who I am to become is somewhere in me. I used to quote a comedian because I always thought it was kind of funny and it was a good way for me to cover up how I truly felt about myself. Here is the quote. "They say inside every fat girl there is a skinny girl trying to get out. Not me I done fried her up and ate her" I always felt this saying was a way to fight how I felt about being fat and that I was ok with my weight when in the reality of things I would look at skinny girls and wonder what she did right that God allowed her to be skinny and what did I do that I deserved to be so big? With that I have to say God didn't make me fat. I made myself fat. However I am fully relying on God to give me the strength to be a healthier smaller girl. I may never be "skinny" but I can be smaller and healthier. So who do I think I am? I am me trying to be a better me and mom and friend!!! So Who do you think you are?

The good with the bad!!

Today was a day of many unexpected events. It was weigh in day and we also did our measurements. Again I had kind of worked my butt off at the gym. I had taken a couple of days off because of work and church but I made it for it by working out extra hard Friday and Sat. I went for an hour and half at the gym between workout and weights and then Sat. at our weekly last chance workout I did 4 miles in 45 minutes and I burned 580 calories. Knowing that I could do that really kind of made me feel like this might not be totally impossible. I still feel like it is impossible but I am going to try to not have such a defeatist attitude. I don't want surgery or try anymore fad diets I just want to change my bad habits and in the process lose weight. The good part of the day came at weigh in. I lost 2.9 pounds and a total of 5 1/4 inches(almost 3 from my waist). You know when you are almost 300 lbs. it just seems like a drop in the bucket. For someone who is 140lbs that is an amazing loss. In just a few pounds a smaller person would notice how differently their clothes fit. I am still yet to see any difference in my clothes. Well while I am writing this I was just trying to figure out how much weight I have lost and in 4 weeks I have lost 9.9lbs. IF I can continue a 10lb weight loss each month in 10 months I will be 100 lbs smaller. I think I can do it but it is still hard to change some habits. I still haven't had any Diet Coke and there are times that I really really want one and today I almost gave in. I think there is a part of me that feels like if I give in to Diet Coke will mean I give in to this whole process. I know it isn't that bad for me but I also know it's not that good for me either and I am trying to get away from things that aren't so good for me.
  Which leads to the bad part of the day... I had decided if I had lost weight that I would celebrate and go out to eat, another way to know you have an issue with food when you reward yourself for a loss by eating. Something I haven't really done since I started this journey well other than Subway and I am not sure that is really eating out. So I decided we would go to Moe's. I had saved some money for the day and knew it would be good time with Xavier too. I figured how bad can Moe's be? Its grilled meats and beans and whole grain tortillas. Well when I got there I had decided I was going to have Nachos then when I looked and saw that Nachos were going to be 1550 calories I then had to change my mind. The more I looked the more upset I got. I am standing in line with my phone app figuring up the caloric intake for each thing I wanted I was getting more frustrated. I said to Xavier "I am not going to worry about calories today" He just kind of looked at me and said "I am" and here I was thinking he was going to go for the nachos too but instead he went for the 800 calorie item instead. Granted that's alot of calories but he was really being aware of what he was eating. He didn't even get sour cream on it. I forgot to tell you that today he lost 3.2 pounds. I have been so proud of him. He is really on board with this. I just hope I have the strength to keep us both excited. He was so cute he was playing with the other kids and after he knew I had weighed he stopped playing and came running to see how I did. He makes me so proud. He seemed so proud  of me. I am so blessed by God for giving him to me.
  So while we were sitting at Moes I got a text message from my cousin Rick that my favorite uncle had passed away after what seemed to us like a short battle with pancreatic cancer but he has really had it for almost a year probably. I know that this sounds weird but I realized that after getting the news and letting it sit for a few minutes and got myself composed in the restaurant I for some reason thought the food tasted better than it had when I started eating it. It is very strange that I had never noticed this before that when I eat and I am upset by something the taste of the food seems better therefore I find the comfort in the food (MY BOYFRIEND!!!) I didn't want to eat anymore but I really truly noticed the change in how I felt about the food. I have always said I am not one of those people who eats when I am sad or depressed or happy or whatever but I eat because I love food. I still believe that is true but I also realize that my addiction to food is more enhanced by those feelings. Food really does have this strange affect on me. So with that being said I am trying to look to the next 4 weeks to lose another 10lbs. So I covet your support and prayers and all the encouragement is appreciated beyond anything I could possibly say. So please keep it all coming!! Off to the next 4 weeks.
 I will miss you Uncle Raymond!! Your were the best uncle! I wish we had had more time together thru the years and that my son could know you more!!! Give Uncle Arlin and Aunt Wanda and Aunt Jo and Aunt Nona and Uncle Gene and Aunt Margaret and Aunt Donna and everyone who is there a big hug from me and we will see you in heaven!!!

Is this worth it?????

I am sorry I haven't posted for a couple of days but it has been busy. Wednesday's are hard because I barely get home and make dinner then it is time to go to church and then yesterday I worked 11-900pm and then had to pick Xavier up at school from a basketball game, so I really didn't feel like writing and honestly I have been kind of cranky the last couple of days. I was not able to make it to the gym either Wed. or Thurs. and I am really feeling the affects tonight. I did make it to the gym tonight and was there for a long time and I felt so much better (yes I said it) after I worked out. I couldn't believe how stiff I was after not working out. I really really hope for a good loss this week!!!
 They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. I have been doing this for 27 days relatively speaking. I am not sure if I have really made this a habit because a habit becomes something you really like or want to do and I still don't like it or want to do it I just know I have to. I think that when you are trying to break  your self of something and you try to figure out why you do it, it is going to take longer than 21 days! I have spent several years trying to figure out why I stay at the weight I have been for so long. I haven't had any trauma that makes me hold on to fat. I am not depressed. I am stressed but that's life these days, and it doesn't cause me to eat anymore than usual. I thought maybe I had some hidden reason to eat but honestly I am pretty sure the reason I eat is because I really like food. I think the closest correlation I have is the fact I have been alone for so many years and food has become my boyfriend. It really has become a love affair. I love the way food smells and tastes and looks. I find comfort in eating something not necessarily fattening but just some kind of food. IF you think about it this is how food has been my boyfriend for so long. It is always there. It keeps me company when I am alone. I have to spend money on it but no matter what I always get what I want and if it leaves (I eat it) I can just make something more. Diet Coke was my flowers brought by my boyfriend. It all went hand in hand. In my real life relationships that I have actually had I always gave the guy everything. ( I am talking about men now not food) and hardly every did I get the same in return. Granted I have really only had 2 relationships but I also think it is has helped me realize that what I thought I wanted in a relationship I found in food. I have realized this before but never really said it. I don't use my relationships as an excuse to eat but I am just making a comparison to the love I think I feel for food that I have never had from a man. SOOOOO with that all being said like the relationships that have been broken off I have made a clearer break from food and Diet Coke. When I have lost in relationships I have been strong and realized I am capable of being on my own and that a man isn't going to complete my life. Neither is food. It isn't there to keep me company or take the place of love I can't seem to find. It is necessary for life but not necessary to replace what I think is missing. So it's been 27 days and my break up with food and Diet Coke is still new and the pain is still there. I miss some foods and for those who know me well I really miss Diet Coke. There are places I go that I used to go to with food and Diet Coke, and when I am there that longing to have those old feelings, those old companions I just have to realize like a man I don't need it. I may want it but now is not the time. I need to make sure this continues to be a clean break. People have said why give up Diet Coke but I realize that I have some real habits that I need to control. I need to do this for me. I spend alot of time on others and this is finally something I can control and most importantly I can show my son that changing your life for the better (like getting rid of old boyfriends just kidding)is really the most important thing. I have to be the best example to him and I know that at the weight I am currently and the love affair he and I both have for food I am not showing him how he can be his best in life and health and have a healthy long life. I have to take it slow and make sure he realizes the importance of a right kind of relationship with food!! I hope I can do this!! Thanks for your support and prayers please keep it coming!!!

Week 3 I give up....

So the week didn't start off great with my less than stellar weigh in, and things have just seemed to get worse. I really can't put my finger on it but I am really frustrated. The funny thing is that when I am so close to just saying "oh well today will be a bad day so I might as well just eat what I want and drink a Diet Coke" I get someone saying something to me or I get a great post on my wall. I think it is funny how God works. He knows me so well and when I least expect it someone is sent my way to just give me that extra push to say "just keep going". I have always been the person who thought I can do anything on my own. I THINK I can do it on my own but my life really goes to show that I can't do anything on my own. I need to rely on God first and foremost but the fact of the matter is I crave the encouragement I get.
  This past Sat. my friend Alison and I went to do our last chance workout that we have promised to do every Sat. When I got into the locker room one of my favorite people to ever work with was leaving and she came up to me and said "you are the reason I am here. I figured if you can do it I need to." I know she didn't say to boost my ego but to encourage me. I was actually kind of floored that someone could really think that I was an inspiration. I didn't see it and when I get home there is an email from her saying that she really meant what she said. I honestly started to cry because I am such a bad example. But it was one of those things that really just made me say "I can keep doing this". So Sunday night Xavier was sick and I was home with him on Mon and so what a great excuse to not go to the gym. AS the day went on Xavier started feeling better and I needed to go to the store to get him some soup and he said I should go to the gym while I am out. So I did. It wasn't one of my better workouts but I spent 42 minutes on the elliptical which was something I wanted to accomplish and I did because I could feel so many people really kind of powering me thru. Well Xavier had the stomach bug and I was pretty sure I was getting but I kept talking myself out of it because I knew it was in my head because I had been around him for 2 days while he was sick so of course I was going to get it. On Tuesday I had pretty much made myself feel sick but I had said I was going to go to the gym, and I am really working on following thru with what I say to myself. I did go to the gym and when I got home, my friend Janice that I knew from Liberty had posted a sign on wall on Facebook and I almost cried again because the sign was so dead on to how I was feeling. If you didn't see it the sign said...." Slow down, Yell out. Grit your teeth,feel the burn, CRY, JUST  don't stop! Believe you will make it. I couldn't believe that Janice being so far from me knew I needed that little boost. I do want to give up to be honest. I do want to just eat what I want and never exercise again. I would be lying if I said otherwise but the truth is even though I WANT to give up.... I CAN'T give up. This isn't just about me anymore. This is about living the life I should have lived and making sure my son learns he has to make a change before it is too late. I hope it's not to late for me and like I have said before I am hoping by next year I will posting on here that I am 200 lbs or less. I know to some that sounds high but for me it will be 100 lbs. I want to live a new life and show my son we can have a much better life than how we are living. A healthy life.

Big Let down!!!

Well today was our 3rd weigh in and I was not very happy with the results. I lost but only .4 pounds. I was really upset because I had worked so hard this week. It seemed like today was going to be really rewarding. I ate breakfast because I was confident in the way my week had gone. These are the times in the past that I have wanted to give up because it seems like no matter how hard I work I get no results.
 I went into this week thinking I was going to slack alittle but I didn't I even went to the gym when I didn't want to and even when I didn't feel good. I was happy I was doing weights with the cardio and actually sore but feeling like I was really motivated and all that is kind of gone now. See this is what it is like to be fat, it's so much easier to give in and just stop and stay the way I am. But at the same time I feel like I am giving up on my son. Today I preached at him because while he was at his fathers they had Chinese. I have asked them to try to help encourage Xavier to eat better and make good choices and then he gets Chinese food. I feel like if I give up and don't keep changing my life choices I am showing my son that it's ok to just throw in the towel when things get hard. Honestly that is exactly what I have done in the past. I am not sure what is so different then the 8,000 other times I have tried to lose weight but really looking at my son and realizing I am the only example he has to show him how to make good choices in all areas of his life. I have given up so many times before I can't now. If I do I not only fail but I fail him. How can I do that to my son??!!! Where do I get the energy and the motivation to continue on. I don't know but I have to do it!!
 

What doesn't kill you........

Today was a really tough day!! I had pretty much decided I was getting a stomach bug. I woke up around 300am, and spent about 1/2 hour in the bathroom praying not to throw up and I had horrible stomach pains. After sitting there for a while I decided to try to go back to bed and it seems just as I fell asleep my alarm to get up to go to work went off. Still not feeling so hot I spent the morning trying to tell myself its all in my head because so many people I knew had had the bug but no one I had really been around. So I picked up my stuff for work and I even grabbed my gym bag thinking if I felt better as the day went on I would try to go to the gym but I had already determined I was only going to do 20 minutes on the elliptical even after telling myself I was going for the most time I had ever gone for. But I didn't feel good so that's all that mattered. Well I ate breakfast and it was during our staff meeting in which 2 nurses who work with us in the OR but are also in the Air National Guard, spoke about their life in reserve and It was a great talk except for the pics of eyes(I am getting nauseous just talking about it) needless to say my stomach was still questionable. I went ahead and went to my OR room and we proceeded to have a good day and I was feeling ok, but.............. I was feeling really tired and the last time I went to the gym as tired as I was I had a horrible work out. So on the yellow tube of death (the shuttle from our parking lot to the hospital for those who don't know, its a big yellow school bus with scary drivers), I had talked myself out of going. Maybe I will just go home and take a nap before I go and maybe that will help but I also knew if I did I wouldn't go. Well with that being said I thought well if I go late then I will be up late because after I exercise like most people I have some energy. SO that was out! I'll just go home. But then I thought you know what, if I can't do it I'll just do what I can and go home at least I tried. So I got to the gym and sat in the parking lot hoping Dolvett would come out and drag my butt into the gym but then I thought I would never be able to make it thru a workout for him so that of course wasn't going to happen. So I posted on Facebook my dilemma of just sitting in my car at the gym trying to figure out if I could really have any energy to even walk into the gym. It seemed like immediately people were writing and me and encouraging me to just do it. So I got out of the car and headed in and because I was so tired I was super stiff and I am sure I looked like someone who was miserable and well like a fat girl going to the gym! LOL!!!
  I did go into the gym and I did actually do my entire circuit of weights and I actually upped each machine by 10 reps. The title of this post comes from a song I downloaded because I have a theme in my workout music about being strong and I had seen the song on a commercial. The song had the word stronger in it and it was song by Kelli Clarkson and when I downloaded the song I wasn't sure but the song says "what doesn't kill you makes your stronger, stand alittle taller, doesn't mean I am lonely when I'm alone, what doesn't kill you makes a fighter, footsteps even lighter...." Even though the song is about a relationship I really feel like it has become one of my theme songs. Believe me I have many and they all have to do with being stronger but today when I felt like I couldn't do it I turned that song on and actually played it a couple of times along with Matthew West Strong enough where he sings "I can do all things through Christ who give me strength".  I didn't make it to 40 minutes on the elliptical but I did make it to 34 and I had burned almost 400 calories!I know I should have been able to do those last 6 minutes but I really was afraid I might throw up, but I did do it!!
  Well that isn't the best part..... When I got back into the car I opened facebook, as I was trying to catch my breath, and then I saw all the posts from people who have already been so encouraging and I started to cry. It was really touching to see so many people really behind me and giving me the strength to just do the things I set my mind to but talk myself out of. I had the thought today that maybe this time next year all those people will be saying "look at all the weight you've lost.. remember the struggle you went thru!!" I really do hope that will be what's said!

A day of rest

So Wednesday's are a hard day for me to get to the gym because right after work I have to pick up Xavier, come home and cook dinner and then head to church, so I decide Wed. and Sunday's are days I dont' work out. I see now why it's easy for people to just give up because it feels nice to just relax and not be all sweaty and smelly and look horrible(well that part is about perspective). But I think as much as I would like to stay home tomorrow and cook meals or clean or even just chill and watch tv I realize that all those things got me to here where I am writing and talking about being fat.
 On a good note I will say that even though I am sooooooo tired when I get home from the gym I find I actually get things done that before I would leave until the weekend or when I had more time. It is kind of fascinating to me that even at my size I can workout like I have and then come home and cook and wash dishes and do all the things that before I just didn't feel like doing after 8 hours at work.
 I am excited that every morning I wake up and on the counter where Xavier has made his lunch is a list of the calories in his lunch! I have always worried about his self image but I am hoping that all this will help him make changes now that I didn't do when I was his age. Doing this for both of us has made such an impact on me and I hope and pray with him and everyone's support we will both be successful!!! Thanks again for all the support. We will see if I have the same perspective after the gym tomorrow. I am going to attempt 40 minutes on the elliptical after my weights. Pray that I can accomplish this small goal!

Flip the switch!!!

So since I started this whole thing a mere 17 days ago there have been alot of things that I have noticed and thought that I guess I never noticed or thought before. The first thought is people are genuine!! I think I have always thought that people say things but don't really mean them, and honestly including me!! Through this whole thing in 17 days I have felt so unbelievably supported as I have this time!! I do hope that people realize how important that is to me even if I dont' say so. I think this is something I have always thought I would do alone but I realize that it is the little things that people either write on my Facebook or here and things they say to me in person that are really helping me continue!
 I have, like every fat person, thought that at some point in my life this switch would flip in my head or stomach and I would just have a mindset to just do it and not have any worries. Guess what there is no switch!! There is nothing that will say to me exercise, eat right, take your time. There is not going to be some hot trainer coming to my house to whip me into shape and I am pretty sure I am never going to love exercising!!! But there has been something different this time than any other time before. I really want this!!
 Today when I got home I started thinking if I continue to lose 3 lbs a week which I hope I do I should be close to 100 lbs smaller by Christmas. In my mind I am not sure I can fathom that. The other thought is that I have a child who is prone to obesity because it is prevalent on both sides of his family and for some reason this time I feel like it is my responsibility to be a better example than I have ever been. I have let him down up until this point even though that may not be how he feels!!
 I was told I need to be more positive with myself and say positive things. I think doing this and saying what I feel is positive. I think being so easy on myself and thinking I don't look that bad for a fat girl and being positive throughout this has kept me at this weight for so long. So when you read this and I you think I am being negative remember that I am being positive in my own way for this to get to the point I need it to be. I don't have Dolvett here to yell at me so in a sense this is my version. But please please please continue to say things and write to me and respond to things. It really is helping in ways you have no idea, but I hope in the end you will be able to share in the ways you have helped!!!!!

The dreaded week 2

So today was week 2 of our Biggest Loser contest at church and like the Biggest Loser we had chalked it up as not going to be a very good weigh in. Seeing as I am in charge of weighing in everyone I decided to wait until the end, but I couldn't so after a couple of people had weighed in and had either gained or lost alittle I thought oh great maybe I am going to gain. I did add weights to my workout so if I gain it's going to be the ole turning fat into muscle. So needless to say I was alittle anxious and not to mention I hadn't pooed like I thought I would and so I knew I was probably holding onto to a pound or two. I know too much information but as a fat girl all your life you  realize that one good poo means a pound!! So with much hesitation I got on the scale and much to my surprise I had lost 3.3 pounds and that was having had a good breakfast and not having had a good poo in a couple of days!! I was alittle excited and in the end I had lost the most weight this week. I hope I can continue to do this. I know as much as I hate exercise and going to the gym it is really making a difference.
  We have had special services at church all week and tonight was the culmination and the message was really good about not having a heart divided and he used a story to make a point and it was about a nail and holding on to that nail and hanging all these nasty things on it to get what you want. I realized that my nail that I hold onto is my fat. It has always been there and I have learned to use it in all kinds of ways. I can make fun of myself and other fat people because I am fat. I have learned to kind of dress myself so that I am least in some way fashionable even for a fat girl. I try to make myself look better than most fat girls. I don't have a man because I am fat. With all that being said I think to some degree it became my security blanket (my nail). I can't do something because I am fat, I can eat what ever I want I am already fat, I am a good cook because I am fat. See where I am going??? I didn't go forward tonight to give it to God because I gave it to him a couple of weeks ago and I haven't actually taken it back. I really feel this time that I am doing this for so many reasons and that most importantly I handed over my eating and the lack of control to God. I do realize God isn't going to come down and take the food out of my mouth or tell me to stop eating, but I do know that this is something important to me and to my relationship with my son and my family and God.
 I am also excited to say that even though Xavier didn't lose this week he didn't gain alot and he realized how important the "boring" workouts were to helping him lose weight. I let him start practicing basketball again but he realized that it wasn't as good as the workout he had been doing with me. So please keep him in prayer that he will be able to get the exercise he needs this week. He is being so good about watching his calories. I am really proud of him. Even if he just realizes how important this is to his health that is key and at least a stepping stone.
 Again I can't thank everyone enough for all the support it has really helped me in ways you have no idea.

What people think...

I have always said I don't really care what people think but the reality is there isn't a person alive who hasn't thought about or considered what people may or may not think of them. I usually don't let how people look at me affect me, I know I am fat and I know I have alot to work on and I know sometimes my clothes have spots and I know enough about myself that I am pretty sure I have already said to myself most anything another person could be thinking about me. Where am I going you may ask? Well today as I was leaving the area where the elliptical is, I was sweating and still breathing heavy from my work out and I walked around the corner there was an older lady, not real old but older, sitting on one of the machines with weights and she looked at me and gave me this smile that said so many things. The first thing I thought of that she was thinking was "Oh poor fat girl" or "OH look another fat girl trying to meet her new years resolution" But the reality of it is I am sure she wasn't thinking any of those things!! She may have been thinking "Good for you trying to get healthy" or "Stick with it you can do it" But because I think I know how people are and what they are thinking. When I got in the car and I had already cast judgement on what she was thinking and based on where I was I really was mad. How dare her pity me or cast judgement on me at the "judgement free zone" and as the words were coming out of my mind I stopped and realized how was I any different. I was judging her for something that was probably pretty innocent. I dont' know but it really wasn't a reason for me to get all bent out of shape over something as silly as a smile because I was feeling my own insecurity's. So fat or skinny I guess we all feel the same way when someone looks at us. We can take it as it is or we can let our minds go crazy and make up all the things we are saying to ourselves. Because really the things I was thinking she was saying were really all the things I say to myself. I need to get past all that and realize that I am really trying to change my life.
 On another note I haven't had soda for a week. Everyone keeps asking why I am doing it and I honestly don't have an answer other than I wanted to see if I could do it. It's really hard. I think when it comes to food and soda I am really addicted to it. Sometimes I feel like I should have a sponsor. I went to Subway today and all I could think about while waiting for my sandwich was how much I wanted a soda. I didn't think it would be so bad. I have finally started sleeping alittle more and the dreams seemed to have stopped. I still have a caffeine free soda sitting on my dining room table. It is funny how you associate things with soda. I will say I don't wake up really wanting a diet coke whereas in the past the first thing I would do when I got up is get my glass of ice ready for my morning diet coke. I actually don't have tired lags during the day other than the fact I haven't been getting good sleep. But I think this is going to be an ongoing battle. I do so appreciate your encouragement. I really want this to be the time I truly change my lifestyle!!

Forward thinking

Today was a nice day! I think it's because I knew that the people I was working with were awesome and that I was with one of my favorite surgeons. She has claimed ownership to the fact that she is the Honey Badger. If you have ever seen the honey badger video on YouTube you know that the popular saying is "Honey Badger don't care", and some other things that I won't say but that part always seems to be the part that sticks with me. I thought about that all day because it is kind of how I have lived my life the past several years, as if I don't care. I ate like I didn't care because eventually I would take off the weight. It would be easy because I am only a few pounds overweight but those few pounds turned into more than 150lbs and it isn't going to be easy to get them off. So instead of having this "I don't care" attitude I have to change my thinking into an I do care attitude. I say that thinking that like the switch that I need to turn to make me want to exercise is going to be flipped and I am going to just love it is going to happen, so will my" I care attitude". Hence the title to this post "Forward thinking" I am trying to put myself in that forward thinking mode. I have always been told exactly the same thing that alot of fat girls have heard and that is "She has such a pretty face if only she would lose some weight" There are days when I look in the mirror and wonder what I would look like smaller and where is this pretty face they see? But I can't see it and it makes me mad!!! How can I forward think when l all I can think of is how disgusting I look. For the most part I have given up on how I look most days!! I realized that last week when I went to the gym and I had just come from work and I didn't do a thing with my hair to not make it look like my scrub hat was still on my head and when I went to the locker room and looked in the mirror at the gym it looked like the tshirt I was wearing was one I had just made french fries and wiped the grease right onto my tshirt. I was what I think of as "the epitome of a fat slob"!! Even though I am at the gym which is "Judgment free" I know that people are looking at me like I look at people who don't take care for themselves. I am that person and it's because of my weight. There is no way to hide how fat I am so why even try anymore. While I was at the gym today(yes I went even though I am still sore) I realized I need to get back to being that girl that took pride in herself all the time. I need to stop imagining myself as a fat girl trying to be smaller but realize I am on my way to not being a fat girl and I will be a smaller girl. Forward thinking. I can't say I am not going to have days where I will again feel like the fat slob but I am saying I am trying really hard to become something I can say I worked hard at and I am proud of.
 I don't want this to be ANOTHER time I try and stop because I get frustrated. I have tried to give this totally to God. That is not always easy but I have to because I can't do it other wise. I do have to say all the encouragement from friends has been awesome. I think I am afraid to say anything some days because I feel like people are like " Oh here we go again Karen is on her diet trip" But I do have to say I honestly am not approaching this like dieting. I used to feel that when I went to Weight Watchers that even though you could eat so much I just felt like I was obsessed with food all the time. This time I am doing it the way I think will work with my way of thinking. I remember one of the reasons I stopped going to WW, was because there was a girl there who lost 100lbs and the instructor asked her how she got through the days that were hard and the girl said "I never had  bad day" I got really mad at her and I said to Chantal "She was fat HOW could she not have bad days?" I think about that girl alot and I wonder if she is fat again or if she kept it off. I thought about her today and I said to myself in my forward thinking mode that I dont' want people to wonder if I am still fat. I dont' want to be fat anymore. This has become kind of mission now. That isn't anything I have ever felt before. I am on a mission to be healthy and fit. Thanks again for the encouragement and Here's to hoping my forward thinking will change me into that smaller girl!!

What I realized....

Today I was talking to one of the guys at work about this whole thing and I had the realization as I was talking to him about what a bad influence I am. I realized that the reason I am the way I am is because I just chose to eat but the reason my son has become overweight is because I led him to it. I was very conscientious when he was little but he also didn't eat much then, to watch what he ate but then as he started getting older and his palette changed I kind of fed into what was easier. It was easy to get fries and nuggets or hot dogs and chips and as long as he ate It was great but I guess I didn't pick up on how much I was giving him. As he gets older he is able to decide what he wants and he can make alot of things to and it just seems easy. I realized today also as we were talking that this time I don't want to do this for me and my vanity and that I want to wear cute little clothes I want to do this because I am an example to my son and I am not being a very good one so now is the time to change for both of us. It made me happy today to hear him ask how much is a serving size of something. My mom is working on being the biggest loser too and I know she is on board but it saddens me that the people(person) I thought would be helpful are the ones sabotaging Xavier. This is something that needs to be done and I realized it more than ever today that I have to make it happen to show Xavier that it can happen and that we will be better off for it. I am so thankful God saw fit to give Xavier to me and I want to do what is right and good for my son. I gave him to God as a baby and I realize that I want to see what God is going to do with him and I want to be able to enjoy my future and his. I am praying this is something I can really carry through. I dont' want to give up as easy as it would be. I need to do this for my health and my son's future!!!

I don't wanna!!!!!!!!!!

So I wasn't going to write everyday but I figured this is a daily challenge and boy oh boy was today a challenge!!! So I have been trying to go to the gym everyday except Wed. because it is way too busy with church and it's hard to squeeze it in. So I usually go when I leave work and so today was no different but as I walked to the car my thighs were saying "Please please please don't go!!!!" Really that is what it sounded like!!! And I was about to give in, I really was. My thighs were winning and then my shortness of breath started in saying "You can't breath don't go, your having a hard time just walking what's going to happen when you get to the gym!!" Really that's what my lungs were saying!!! So I got in the car and sat there for a few minutes. Debating with my thighs and lungs I sat there and reached for the phone. My arms hurt just reaching for it!! Oh great now my arms are chiming in!!!! How can I not listen my whole body is saying "I don't WANNA!!!!" Sooo  I keep reaching for the phone and I dial my best friend Chantal and I said "I don't wanna go to the gym!!" and she said "GO you know you need to and you'll feel better for it!!" So we talked for alittle while longer and she said " Call me when you finish" I was like oh great she will know if I didn't go. Well honestly as great and as supportive as she was it wasn't enough. I was driving  and almost turned on the road to home because it is on the way to the gym. My thoughts were going a mile a minute about how to justify not going. So then I called my really good friend (kind of a sister) Alison and she didn't answer her phone so I thought I'll leave her a message but since she didn't answer to encourage me to go I am in the clear. I told her in the message that I was really sore and just didn't want to go. But as I was leaving her the message I passed the turn to the road to my house and kept going. I drove into the gym parking lot and it was packed!! I hate going when it's so busy so I figured this again was a sign. I had to park the furtherest away which meant I had to walk up hill to get to the gym. I really shouldn't go!! Well Guess what.........? I got out walked up the hill and went in an worked out, and just as I got on the elliptical I got a text from Alison that said "You can do it!! If you are exercising right now ... keep going... think of Dolvett... think of growing older... think of Xavier's babies.. you want to be there and be a hot Grammy!! Keep it up"  I not a very sentimental person((most of the time) and words affect me but not usually as much as Chantal's and Alison's words did. I really didn't think I was going to make it thru the work out and I had said I would just do a slow 20 minutes but after the encouragement from Chantal and Alison I did 30 minutes and I was hurting and short of breath and sweaty and hot and really hungry but I did it. I can't tell you how much, when you are doing somehing like this journey, it means to have people who support you and want what you want for yourself. I may not have Dolvett at the gym yelling at me to keep going but I do have wonderful people in my life who know that this time is important. Don't get me wrong I would love to have Dolvett hollering at me but there is something to be said about people not hollering at you but pushing you along!! Thanks girls and I hope if you need me in the same respect I'll be there for you or anyone else who needs it. Dolvett if you read this(HAHA) come on and whoop me into shape!!!   

This sucks!!!!

So it is day 3 of no soda at all. I have some Arnold Palmer tea's that don't have aspartame or caffeine and they are pretty good. Its a powder so I can make a pitcher of it. Well that's not the part that sucks. I have been so grateful that my friend Chantal found this awesome website with a ton of recipes that are easy and they don't require a ton of weird things that cost alot of money they are pretty easy to do too so I haven't felt so deprived like I have in the past. Again that's not the part that sucks but the part that sucks is that I am so tired since I stopped drinking soda. It's not a total rundown feeling but a feeling of not getting enough sleep. I haven't had a good night's sleep in 2 weeks. Yes some is because of my annoying neighbors but some is because I go to bed tired and lay there and when I do fall asleep I have really weird dreams. They say you are supposed to get at least 8 hours of sleep to help weight loss. I am maybe getting 5 since I started. I keep telling myself it will go away but I feel like what's the sense if I feel the way I do.
 I never want to work out but when I am tired I REALLY don't want to. So last night I had about 5 hours of sleep and when I got to the gym I didn't go as fast as I usually do but I pushed thru and even added weights like I promised myself I was going to and I think that is the key to me doing this THIS time. I have promised myself these things.... I am going to stop drinking soda... DONE so far... I am going to the gym as many days a week as I can.... DONE so far.... I am going to add weights this week and I did and  I just need to keep it up. I think this time seems different to me because I feel like if I can accomplish things. I don't know why. When I went to a weight control group I always said I wish I could flip that switch  that it seems people seem to have. Like all of a sudden they just start dropping weight and are so motivated. I am motivated but not like I keep thinking I should be. I just want to stay on this and not get discouraged. I don't like Weight Watchers because I lost my motivation. I would get mad and so much more and I don't know why. If I could figure that out I might stay motivated.
 I can't tell you how much I feel supported!! My church family, my friends and the people I work with all so ready to encourage. I hope through that I can continue and this will be a blog that ends someday with me saying I have reached my goal weight!! SO PLEASE keep encouraging me and checking on me and if you know Dolvett tell him I need him to come work out with me!!!! I would even let him yell at me. Oh yeah I was working out and I kept thinking about how if I was truly on the Biggest Loser I would have been the one laying on the ground crying!!! LOL. Also if you are around and wanna work out with me I would love that!!! Oh yeah and bring Dolvett or Tim Tebow either will do!!!!Then I would really work out!!!!

So much ....

I have debated about starting a blog because of many reasons but the reason I am starting it is because I have started so many things and never finished. I am hoping that the day will come when I can say I have accomplished my goals. The reason I titled this So much... is because I have been so encouraged by just this simple start to something that is so difficult for me and millions of other people. It is a journey. A journey that will take longer to finish than it took to start.
 I made a comment on a friend's facebook about punishing myself because I let myself get to this point but it really is hard to not feel that way about yourself if you are overweight or have a bad body image. I thought about that comment and realized that I do have to in some since of the word punish myself. I rewarded myself for so many years and went from a fit 180lbs to an unfit and flabby 300 lbs. well 296 because I lost 4 lbs this week. I am so ashamed that I have to say I weigh 300lbs but I realize that if I went on the Biggest Loser people would see it anyways so there it is out in the open.
 As part of my attempt to lose some weight I decided to cut out something that is so associated with me that even my best friend's son said WOW Tia (that's what they call me) Looovvvees Diet Coke. You could come to my house at anytime and I would have 2-3 2 liter sodas on my counter and I would go thru them in a day or two. Some weeks I was grateful I drank so much Diet Coke because I would be able to return the bottles to get groceries or little things we might need. I would start my day with a D.C. then I would have some for lunch and then dinner and maybe some before bed and even some sitting by my bed during the night. Wow!! I know I drank alot of D.C. So if you read my facebook you know that I didn't do it cold turkey and honestly I am still not out of the woods. I started with what I had left in the house from the holidays and then decreased day by day. I actually still have a caffeine free D.C. sitting on my dining room table. I don't really know why I decided to quit drinking D.C. but I am hoping I do see benefits. I guess I figure it's beyond time to make a change. It has been 2 days with no soda at all and can I tell you that when we were at the grocery store today and I saw that D.C. was buy 2 get 1 free I was sooooo tempted!! But I turned the corner and didn't give in!! They say it takes 21 days to make/break a habit so I only have 18ish more days to go!!!
So now onto the Biggest Loser competition. I think it was at choir practice ( I really don't remember when it was) we were all sitting around talking about The Biggest Loser and how we should have a similar competition and I said well lets do it.So I organized it and decided to start January 1st because it actually fell on a Sunday. We decided to make the contest go until April 1st. We weigh in every Sunday. There are 16 people involved which is exciting. Today at the first weigh in it was so nice to see everyone encourage each other. I hope it continues to happen and we keep up the enthusiasm. I will be posting some of the recipes I have tried so stay tuned. I have really liked everything so far. I hope thru this I can encourage and help people to do the same things and to maybe not get to the point I am at in my weight. I don't feel 300lbs well not until I try to get off the couch or out of bed. I am going to try not to be depressive and try to be my usual self. If I say something that you might think is self deprecating please understand that I sometimes handle things that way and I am OK with it and if you can't laugh at yourself how will others laugh with you. So thanks for joining me on my journey. I hope I can reach the destination I have set before me. I know it isn't going to be easy and I will have ups and downs but here we go........