Forward thinking

Today was a nice day! I think it's because I knew that the people I was working with were awesome and that I was with one of my favorite surgeons. She has claimed ownership to the fact that she is the Honey Badger. If you have ever seen the honey badger video on YouTube you know that the popular saying is "Honey Badger don't care", and some other things that I won't say but that part always seems to be the part that sticks with me. I thought about that all day because it is kind of how I have lived my life the past several years, as if I don't care. I ate like I didn't care because eventually I would take off the weight. It would be easy because I am only a few pounds overweight but those few pounds turned into more than 150lbs and it isn't going to be easy to get them off. So instead of having this "I don't care" attitude I have to change my thinking into an I do care attitude. I say that thinking that like the switch that I need to turn to make me want to exercise is going to be flipped and I am going to just love it is going to happen, so will my" I care attitude". Hence the title to this post "Forward thinking" I am trying to put myself in that forward thinking mode. I have always been told exactly the same thing that alot of fat girls have heard and that is "She has such a pretty face if only she would lose some weight" There are days when I look in the mirror and wonder what I would look like smaller and where is this pretty face they see? But I can't see it and it makes me mad!!! How can I forward think when l all I can think of is how disgusting I look. For the most part I have given up on how I look most days!! I realized that last week when I went to the gym and I had just come from work and I didn't do a thing with my hair to not make it look like my scrub hat was still on my head and when I went to the locker room and looked in the mirror at the gym it looked like the tshirt I was wearing was one I had just made french fries and wiped the grease right onto my tshirt. I was what I think of as "the epitome of a fat slob"!! Even though I am at the gym which is "Judgment free" I know that people are looking at me like I look at people who don't take care for themselves. I am that person and it's because of my weight. There is no way to hide how fat I am so why even try anymore. While I was at the gym today(yes I went even though I am still sore) I realized I need to get back to being that girl that took pride in herself all the time. I need to stop imagining myself as a fat girl trying to be smaller but realize I am on my way to not being a fat girl and I will be a smaller girl. Forward thinking. I can't say I am not going to have days where I will again feel like the fat slob but I am saying I am trying really hard to become something I can say I worked hard at and I am proud of.
 I don't want this to be ANOTHER time I try and stop because I get frustrated. I have tried to give this totally to God. That is not always easy but I have to because I can't do it other wise. I do have to say all the encouragement from friends has been awesome. I think I am afraid to say anything some days because I feel like people are like " Oh here we go again Karen is on her diet trip" But I do have to say I honestly am not approaching this like dieting. I used to feel that when I went to Weight Watchers that even though you could eat so much I just felt like I was obsessed with food all the time. This time I am doing it the way I think will work with my way of thinking. I remember one of the reasons I stopped going to WW, was because there was a girl there who lost 100lbs and the instructor asked her how she got through the days that were hard and the girl said "I never had  bad day" I got really mad at her and I said to Chantal "She was fat HOW could she not have bad days?" I think about that girl alot and I wonder if she is fat again or if she kept it off. I thought about her today and I said to myself in my forward thinking mode that I dont' want people to wonder if I am still fat. I dont' want to be fat anymore. This has become kind of mission now. That isn't anything I have ever felt before. I am on a mission to be healthy and fit. Thanks again for the encouragement and Here's to hoping my forward thinking will change me into that smaller girl!!