Off the wagon!!!

Well it's been a while!!! I am really so bad at sticking with things!! Writing, eating right etc.....Honestly I feel like I haven't been so bad but I am creeping back up and I am so not wanting to. I need some re motivation. I want to do whats right and I still have several months before I am 43 but I just need to find that something in me to get me going back to the gym and cooking. I feel like I have been in this topsy turvy life lately. I am really not, it really hasn't changed I just keep finding excuses to some degree!! So I am hoping with starting back and trying to start writing again it will help me gain some focus.
 I feel like I have lost some excitement in weight loss because I keep hovering around the same weights. Yes weights. I lose 4 pounds then I gain 6 lbs then I lose 5 lbs and then 2 lbs and then gain 6 lbs. It is frustrating because I have been trying to get on track and going back to the gym and riding my new bike(which I love) but not like I should be. I am starting anew!! With that I need some renewed encouragement!! There are some people in my life right now who drag me down and make me so frustrated and lose focus of my goal and I need to get over that. It is a shame there are people who have to be in your life who can cause you to have so many emotions that everything in the kitchen and under the sun looks good. I am not usually an emotional eater but right now I feel like it!! I just need prayer and encouragement as I continue on this journey!! I need to do this for me and for Xavier and I am starting fresh.

OHHHH BOY!!

Well vacation has come and gone and I have been lazy in all areas of my life. I haven't been to the gym since just before vacation. I did however on vacation walk a million miles it seemed and I did water aerobics a couple of times and then when I couldn't make that I would get in the pool and run laps. I know that sounds kind of weird but the depth of the pool was about chest level and there was lots of resistance.With that all being said I came back and gained 1.8 pounds. I wasn't happy but I wasn't horribly upset that is until this week. This week I had a limited budget and limited things in the fridge but I tried to make things as low cal and low fat as possible, and I honestly thought I had done better with my food. The truth is I haven't been to the gym. As much as I hate to say I think it is a combination of both food and exercise, I am seeing that this is truly the case. So hopefully I can get myself back into eating right and exercising this week. Oh yeah I gained another 1.5 pounds which really sucks but it is just showing me I need to get back into the grove. The problem is I have no motivation. I am already dreading the thought of getting into my gym clothes and actually going to the gym. The thought really frustrates me. I can't decide what is more frustrating right now the weight I have gained or my lack of motivation to stay on track. Where can I go from here? It really would be so easy to give up but after our trip to Mexico I realize how much more I can do with the weight I have already lost and thinking about what I could do once I lose more is helpful but I still don't have the power behind it to make me do what needs to be done. Help!!!!!!!!!!!

Disappointment, and anxious about vacation

As everyone knows I am going to Mexico on Thursday. I am really excited but since you read this you know that my last post I was hoping to lose 30lbs by the time I left and I was going to be better about writing. Well neither happened. I haven't written anything since then and I actually gained 2 lbs the week I wrote about being better but then I lost them last week. So I am still 4lbs from 30. I know that sounds great but now I have to add my worry about going on my vacation.
 As a big girl I always looked forward to going on vacation because it was a great time to eat. I am the girl that literally didn't plan anything else other than where I was going to eat and when I could fit some extra food places in. Now as I get ready to go to Mexico I am not only thinking about what I can eat but what I shouldn't eat. I am excited but I am also scared. As a fat girl going back in the direction you worked so hard to get away from is devastating and as many times as I have done it I have never been this close to a weight that I haven't been at for many years! I want to go on this vacation without having to worry about anything but I realized this afternoon that this will always be a worry even if I reach my goal of 100lbs. I also know that I am not going to be perfect on this trip. But I think that things I have learned and the goals I have set will help me keep some perspective. I know my mom and hopefully Xavier will be an encouragement to me to try to stay in line. It is really kind of scary to think about the challenges I have to deal with on this trip. I am excited about being able to relax and get sun and have food and spending time with my mother and my son but in the back of my head is the number that is going to show on the scale when I get home.
 So with alittle excitement and apprehension I will say I will write when I get back about the trip and hopefully it will be a success with sun and good food choices!!! Wish me luck!!

Frustrated and ........

Well frustrated should be enough to describe where I am at! I have been working out pretty much 4-5 times a week and as things progress I increase my workout. Things were going along well and I have to my surprise continued to lose weight. I am now 274!! Exciting I know. I am 4 lbs away from 30 lost and yet I am ready to quit and give up!! I need a rejuvenation and it doesn't seem to be coming. I thought having the Biggest Loser contest going through out the summer would be so helpful and it has but I am really struggling to say positive. For the last 2 weeks going to the gym has been harder than usual. I feel defeated because I am so tired and I know that is contributing to my lack of enthusiasm (more than usual) about working out. I am just frustrated because up until the last couple of weeks I was working out 45 minutes to an hour and these last 2 weeks I barely make it 30 minutes and not at all close to the pace I was keeping. Yes I have increased my resistance but not enough to make me feel this way. I for some reason during the week can not sleep. I know it is because of stuff going on at work and I think subconciously I can't turn it off. I guess to get it out there my management at work has decided that a position I have been in for 4 years and that they asked me to take on and I LOVE I am no longer qualified to do because I am not an RN. I am only an LPN. An LPN with almost 15 years of nursing experience and 8 of those years in the OR and 4 of those primarily doing robotics. But because I wasn't able to finish my RN I am told I can't do the job anymore. SO I think to some degree that has been weighing on my mind. There is more to the story but that is really all that needs to be said. I am trying to handle this with grace and dignity but I am not always doing such a good job and I think it is somewhat interfering with my sleep. I dont normally sleep that well during the week but the last few weeks have been worse. I think that is why I can't work out like I have been in the past. This past Friday into Sat. I slept almost 9 hours and when I went to the gym I worked out for 50 minutes and kicked butt and found out I lost 2 lbs on Sunday even after going out with my great friends on Friday night and having nachos and wings and Mild duds at the movie!!! So it is true that rest can really affect your weight loss and stress affects rest!!
 Where do I go from here? I haven't written here because I have been struggling with so much in my life at work and personally and I really feel bad I haven't been better. After even just writting this I feel somewhat better and I am hoping I can find the strength to keep going. I have come so far!!! I have much further to go and I dont' want to give up even though I feel like I can't go on anymore!!
 I came across this verse in Psalms today and I realized it was for me this week. It is Psalms 73:26
 My flesh and my heart faileth:but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
My flesh and my heart certainly seem to fail me lately but I have to settle this with God and realize that despite my feeling that I can't go on, God knows I can.
I am going to keep pressing on and it is going to be hard and you may see me complain more or maybe once I get to the next milestone I will be revived. I do need your prayers and encouragement because I don't want to give up. Thanks for all the support and I will do my best to be here more. Thanks!!!

Isn't it funny......??

So today is Sunday and that means weigh in day!! This is what they call on the Biggest loser and I have said it here before the dreaded week 2. I titled this week Isn't it funny because I always think that no matter what I do it's going to be the worst. All week I had decided that every time I eat I had eaten too much or the wrong thing even though I knew what I was eating was what I should be eating but I had this fatty bloaty feeling!! I felt like every time I ate I ate too much or had that feeling that the one last bite I took was way too much. I know from many years of doing so that I really good at self sabotage. I knew that everything I had made to eat this week was portion controlled and with in the daily calorie intake that I have set up. I guess I have neglected to say how the weigh in went because what I am saying leads up to something my friend Alison said today in that we always expect the worse. I guess I am really guilty of that because all week I was sure I was going to be well over 280 which we all know is the number I hate. I hate all the numbers I have been at but 280 has always been a sore spot for me. So when I weighed in I was shocked to see I weighed 277. I had lost 3.4 lbs. I am now at the lowest weight I have been in 16 years. I know that isn't something to be commended but it is something that gives me hope. I am hoping I can lose 7 more pounds by the time we go to Mexico at the end of May.
 I had heard somewhere that there is no such things as will power and there is part of me that believes that. I know that I have a will and how I chose to use it gives me the power. I think it's funny that in the past I had chosen to use my lack of  "will power" as an excuse for being so over weight when the truth of the matter is I just hadn't chosen to use the power of my will to make the right choices consistently. I think that I let my mind control so much of these things that it affects my body. I know when I am working out the power of my will is controlled to the point that I feel I can't go on. I work out for 45minutes to an hour most days but sometimes just 20 minutes into it I feel like I am never going to make it. Again I know Biggest Loser is not a good way to gauge things but I keep thinking about how they work out 6-8 hours a day and it is never enough. I have always thought I was I would like to be on the show but I just know I would want to give up and I would be that person crying and saying I couldn't do it because now even after just an hour of working out I feel dead and I can't believe I have done it. Instead of feeling happy that I have done it I just keep thinking about what I haven't done and what I could do and should be doing. SELF SABOTAGE!!! I know I can lose the weight and I can do what I can do and what needs to be done but because I let my mind win I feel like it is never enough when I have to believe it is going to be enough.
 So 7 pounds by May 30th I know is doable!! I just know I have to really put the pedal to the medal now! If I can do that it will put me at a 30 lb weight loss. I know I can do it but I definitely need your prayers and support. I appreciate so much all that I have received from everyone. It is so cool to see how much people are really hoping I succeed and that means so much to me. So I will keep you up to date and I promise I am going to try to be better about posting on my blog. I keep saying every night I should post but then I just decide to go to sleep. Although they say you need 8 hours sleep to lose weight so I am trying to get as much as I can. SO keep up the prayers and support and I hope I have good news next week. Thanks again!!

about 40 days.....

The cool thing about 40 days is that it is a month away and that gives me time. You may ask for what and the fact is my mom is taking me and Xavier to Mexico!! I am very excited to get away and relax!! This has been a few stressful weeks for me for different reasons. I dont' really need to get into it because there are other friends and family who are going thru things much worse than what I am experiencing and I don't want to complain. SO I won't!! I will say I am hoping that maybe the stress will not store fat but get rid of it!! I am so excited to be going away to relax, My mom asked me today if I was going to exercise on our vacation and I had to think about it. Isn't that funny. I had actually already thought about what workout wear I was going to bring and how I was going to fit my sneakers into my suitcase. In the past I would look at a vacation as a time to just be free of not worrying about exercise or what I eat. I have to honestly say I am kind of worried about the whole food thing. I know on this trip I will be thinking of the fact that I want to take many more vacations and to feel free and good about how I feel and look.
 As you know we are starting the Biggest Loser summer edition at church and I feel like I want to take it serious because the summer is going to be an easier time I think to do things and keep motivated but honestly the first thing I associate with summer is food!! It is when food seems to taste so good.Grilling, fruit, fresh veggies,and so much more. Fortunately most summer food CAN be good for you but I also find that in my frame of mind that because it is "good" for you I can eat as much as I want!! I think that was what I was doing with Subway. I had said in my last post that I was only going to get 6inch subs from now on. Well I went to Subway Monday night and guess what it was nice out and I hadn't eaten since 11am and it was 730 so I got a foot long. The funny thing is my friend Alison's daughter works there and she had read my blog and she tried to say "hey you said....." and I was like i know but.... and I still got it and ate it and I felt like poo after not because it was really bad for me but because I had gone back on one of the things I had promised myself. Thanks Emily for trying to keep me honest and on track!! So tonight Xavier had drivers ed until 8 and my mom and I had gone shopping and had a lovely time (I think), but we both hated most things we tried on because we are both at weights where we want things to look good but nothing looks great! We got some stuff but I wish she had found more. My mom has lost a ton of weight since last winter and I am so proud of her. I hope that some day soon we can both get into much smaller sizes when we go shopping. I can tell my mom is starting to feel somewhat better. I just want her to be able to do more things and I want to be able to do more too.
 I know I am kind of rambling but today I was leaving work and I saw this really heavy woman walking in to the hospital carrying all kinds of McDonalds food and drinks. She could hardly breath and I wanted to stop her and tell her she would feel so much better if she didn't eat it!! I know being a fat girl no one really wants to hear that from someone. It really does have to come from with in you!! I have noticed that so much more this time than any other time in my dieting career. I say career because it really becomes a job. If it was really my job I would have been fired a long time ago. I am thinking my work ethic in this whole dieting thing has gotten better, but I am still working my way up the ladder. I have had Mcd's but not like I used to and I still am very conscientious about what I eat. I have learned that I can still have things and be careful but not over do it! I think that's one of the biggest lessons I have not only learned but have tried to live by and that is I don't have to deprive myself but I have to think before I eat!! I hope people are still reading and still understand how much their support means to me!! I hope I have some good results in the next few weeks that I can share with everyone.

Here we go again

So the summer edition of Biggest loser started today at church and well when I weighed in I was back up to 280! At first I was kind of mad but then I realized. I am at 280 NOT 300!!! 20 lbs less than I was at the beginning of this year and at the spot I have always given up on!! This time I am excited because there is no way I can really head back up to the direction I once was.
 It seemed like calorie counting and fat counting worked to some degree but I think I really need to change things up alittle. I really wasn't eating alot of carbs before so I really need to find where I was eating them and cut some of them out. I think the only time I had bread was on subway night and I can honestly say I am going to only do 6 inches and not the footlongs like I was. I know it seems like a lot but the calories fell with in my limits. But I know that is one thing I need to work on. I have cut down alot on portions but I am going to try to be more conscience of the right portions.
 I also am excited about writing more. I have been so blessed by everyone's response to my writing and my struggles and success's. I want you to all know I haven't given up because this is going to be a lifelong adventure but I am happy to have you here to share in the highs and lows with me. Please feel free to leave any and all comments to me!! And I look forward to sharing more with you!! Hopefully all good news!!!

Ready..... get set...... WAAIIIITTT!!!!!

So a couple of things... I was scolded the other day because I hadn't written in a while and I had promised I would write again. So here I am . The Biggest Loser contest at church is over but only for a couple of weeks as everyone enjoyed doing it so much they decided to we should do it through the summer. So unfortunately for some of you who have been my biggest cheerleaders I am going to need you for alittle longer. I actually will probably love to have you around for the rest of my life but I know that is asking too much. We only really have one week off but I am not looking at it as being off. I have been going to the gym and I haven't honestly been watching what I eat as much but I do have to say the last 3 months have changed my choices alot! Today Xavier and I both had the day off and we spent it outside because the weather was nice and we had errands to run and I normally would have grabbed a diet coke and I really actually wanted one, but I honestly tried to remember what it tasted like and I couldn't remember so I decided not to get one. It seemed so weird for me to actually keep with something I had kind of promised myself. Maybe this time is really a big change for me. So with the Biggest loser being done I ended it with a 21 lb weight loss and I lost a total of 9 inches. I have tried to look at as I didn't lose ONLY 20 lbs but that I lost 20 lbs in 3 months and that if I keep doing it I will lose 20lbs in the next 3 months and so on that by my birthday next year I will have lost almost 100 lbs. I think I can do it. At least I hope I can!!
 I titled this ready set wait because I feel like I am on a path but I keep getting set backs sometimes. Everyone knows how much I dislike exercise. I have never kept that hidden it is certainly something I am sure everyone knows. I know that I have a lot of weight to move around and I am sure it will get easier at some point when I have lost a good amount but I keep feeling like I should be feeling alot different. I have been going to the gym pretty much everyday but maybe 2 days a week and I keep thinking it will get easier to breath and keep going. I have gradually moved up from working out 15 minutes to being on the machines for an hour. I have been doing it for an hour for the last month and I just find myself still struggling to get through.It is like one day I do it and I don't have a problem but then there are nights( like tonight) when I just get on a machine and I am starting and things are going ok and then all of a sudden I have a hard time breathing and my legs hurt and in my head and  my body I am screaming I can't do this!! I can't keep going!! It is too much for me!! It was so bad tonight that I had to text my friend Alison because I really just wanted to give up. Thank goodness she was available because I really would have gotten off the ARC trainer (machine of death as I so affectionately call it). I really truly felt like I couldn't go on. But because she is one of my cheerleaders she kept texting me that I could keep going and I could do it. When I finished I knew that the only thing that got me through was God (because I was praying alot too) and Alison. I have come to realize that I need the support everyone has given me and I need it to continue.
 So if you are reading this and you have been one of those people who cheered me on please know that I am truly grateful!! I need it!! As much as I try to make myself come across as a strong person, i know that I really need to hear from everyone. Now it is on to Biggest Loser Summer edition. If you have it in you please continue to write me and email and whatever it takes because I need you and I thank you for all you have done for me so far!!! I am hoping it gets easier and that I continue to see results. So if you are reading this and you thought since biggest loser was over that I would stop writing... well I guess you are incorrect I guess I will be writing this for some time and I am hoping to be better about writing. I will try to write a couple of times a week. I look forward to sharing with you the rest of my journey and I covet your prayers!!!!

How come.........??

How come? Every day I hear my self saying that to many different things. How come I can't be rich or at least be able to pay my bills? How come I keep watching American Idol even though I hate it!!?? How come I can't enjoy exercise? How come people can be so hurtful? I don't know the answer to alot of the questions I wonder about. I do know that one question I find myself asking is how come I let myself get to this point that I am having to make all these changes in my life and writing about it? What brought this writing on is during my trip to Pennsylvania I flew, which I love to do but having to ask the flight attendant for a seat belt extender is not one of favorite things to do. No matter how discreetly I try to ask it somehow becomes a big production. How come? I know I am not the first fat person to fly. I often wonder if they think that making it more humiliating will make me want to lose weight?  Normally I dont' mind flying short flights because I know I can pee before I get on the plane and be ok and not have to worry about using the bathroom on the plane. I also always pick a window seat so I know if someone ends up sitting with me I would have to crawl over them and that isn't easy to do. I don't pour over into the other seat when someone is sitting with me so I keep hoping that people will not mind so much sitting with me. On the last flight back they plane wasn't completely full and I had picked a row with just me in it, but I guess during the time I had picked my seat the plane started filling up. So just as we were to leave this man got on the plane, he was actually the last person on the plane and when he saw that the seat he was assigned was next to me he looked like the world had come to an end. He kept looking back and forth to see if there was another empty seat and fortunately for him and me there was an empty seat. He asked the flight attendant if he could sit the empty seat and she obliged. The funny thing to me is that he was a black guy and most of the time black guys don't mind being around me. I had not had that treatment in a very long time. I can actually say I have never had someone look at me that way. It was a first for me. I have always been heavy but never let it bother me and usually if someone says something or looks at me funny I make a comment and honestly I wanted to find this guy when we got off the plane and ask him if I totally grossed him out and why he felt so strongly about not sitting in the same aisle as my. I do have to be honest and say I have looked at people who were my size or bigger and thought things that I shouldn't have. How come?
 So now my question is how come I can't lose this weight quicker? I am doing all I can and the mere fact I got below 280 for the first time in at least 10 years has been a huge motivation and also a big scare. Now I am worried about gaining it back and also what if I can't lose more? All those things keep bringing me back to how come I let myself get here? I think I am on the right track but I am afraid that I will fail and I don't want to. I want this time more than any other time to be the time I do this. I don't care about the total in the end I just want to get to a healthier weight and be a better example as a mom.

I DID IT!!!!!!

I will write more later because I dont' have time right now but I wanted to write and let all those who have supported me through out my concern with getting past this wall that is set before me, that has made me worry and stress out well I got thru that barrier. I weighed in today and I am down 3lbs which puts my weight at 278!!!!!!!!!! NOT just below 280 but 2 lbs below 280. I haven't been able to ever do it in the last 10 years!!! Now onto the next level. I covet your prayers that I will continue to lose and that I will be able to reach my goal this year!!!

A weekend of worry....

This is going to be a shorter than usual post because for one I am exhausted and I will have more to write about this week. Everyone who knows me or looked at Facebook or even just read my blog knows that I went away this weekend to visit with friends I had not seen since high school which was over 25 years ago. It was alot of fun and I looked forward to it for so many reasons but I also looked at with some apprehensions. Being fat and going away has always had me focused on food. Not so much the calories or fat or healthy or unhealthy but where and when and how much I could get to. Whenever I go away I always look for places that aren't around here and feel like I need to overload on them because it will be a long time before I can get back there. So not so much this time. I did go with out thinking so much about it but since I started this adventure I kind of always have it in the back of my head. This time I was worried I wouldn't eat right and I would gain all my weight back, and not because my friends were encouraging me to eat poorly that was just the opposite. They were so supportive and in fact made recipes from skinnytaste. Well the long and the short of this is when I got home today. After a long day of flying and decisions and a great weekend I came home and went to church and weighed and I hadn't gained or lost a thing. I was hoping to be below 280 but knowing that I was tired and PMS'd and away I was happy with that. I have more to say but that was the most important today. I will write more tomorrow about this weekend and some things I struggled with but for now I feel grateful for friends who are supportive and that I was able to maintain. I am planning on losing at least 2lbs this week. I really need to get over this hurdle it is dragging me down too long.

Leg crossing....

I know that is a weird title to my post but it came to me tonight at church. I was noticing how most of the skinnier women in church all had their legs crossed. You know one knee over the other. This is something I have NEVER been able to do and have always thought I wanted too. They all do it with such ease and they look comfortable. I guess when you are skinny you don't think about things you can't do because of your size. You never hear of a skinny person breaking a chair or getting stuck in the airplane bathroom. As a fat girl those things are constantly going thru my mind. I watch the girls I work with crawl around on the ground and get down on their knees to do something in the OR and I think about how much my knees hurt when I get on the floor because I am putting so much weight on them. I can do it if I have something soft to kneel on and if there is something close by that I can use to get myself up off the floor. Then there is the being able to get out of a seat on an airplane or at a show or something and having to step over people and worrying about falling on them of honestly if you smell because of your fat. No matter how much you take care of things that's always a worry. Do skinny people have those worries? I look at skinny people and see the things they do with such ease that I have to try to figure out the easiest, least painful, least embarrassing way to do something. Am I the only one that thinks of these things. The crossing of the legs things is something that I am striving for. I know it is a weird thing to think about but it's one of those things that I have always wanted to do and be able to do it with ease.
  I am getting ready to go away for the weekend to spend time with friends I haven't seen in years but when we were together it was always laughter and fun and I am looking forward to catching up. I haven't and I am not really worrying about the eating situation. I am just looking forward to having some girl time. It was reassuring to have my friend Amy post on my facebook that they had checked out skinny taste for me and were prepared if need be. That means so much to me. It also means so much to me to have the support I do and please keep it coming because those words and feeling keep me going. I can't tell you how much it means to me. As I sit here crying because I wish I could express myself better when it comes to this but I do want you to know that your words often just give the push to not give in and to go to the gym and to continue to eat better than I have.
 This weekend is also my birthday and it is when I turn 42 and it really gives me a year to be fabulous at 42 so I hope it is something I can achieve. I think with the changes I have made and continue to make and with the support of everyone I can do this. I doubt it somedays but I really think I can do this. So keep me in your thoughts and prayers this weekend because it would be cool to come back and have lost some weight even though I wasn't home. Thanks again and I will post when I get back. Wish me luck!!!

Soooooooo Frustrating........!!!!!

This week has been one of ups and downs and I keep thinking maybe things will be on an upswing. I had felt pretty good all week. I had gone out to dinner with an old friend and had a great time. I didn't eat a ton of food and as much as I wanted to I didn't drink soda. I had been trying to find satisfaction in the smallest things. As the week went on I worked out as much as I could. I didn't have my usual work out partners every time so it was alittle more difficult to motivate myself but I did go. I wasn't able to go on Tuesday because I went out to dinner but I did go for at least 45 minutes on Wed. I even went the days that no one was with me. Friday Xavier and I went to the gym and on the way home I said to him "lets go to church and see how much I weigh and maybe that can give me a sign into where I am at and what I should change." I had felt good because even though I was tired I had gone to the gym. I had never done this before because I usually just wait until Sunday when we weigh in at church. So we get into the church and find the scale and I take my shoes and as much as I can off and get on the scale and it says I weigh 285.1 that is a 3lb gain. I was devastated. I had worked so hard and eaten nothing but Subway and salads and drink mostly water all week. I wasn't pms'd and I just couldn't figure it out. I knew it was evening and I knew it may be up but not by 3 lbs!! I almost lost it and I knew Xavier could sense how upset I was. I tried to pretend like it didn't bother me but he knew and I knew. I at that point just wanted to go eat anything and everything but I didn't. We did go to Moe's which I thought would be healthier than most places but it really isn't. That is one thing I learned this week and that is I am better at just cooking things myself no matter how tired I may be. While at Moe's I realize I really should watch what I am eating and I got something that was about 600 calories as opposed to the 1200 calorie thing I was thinking originally and I had worked out for over an hour so I figured it might work.
  Well it's Sunday and its time to weigh in. I am usually the last to weigh in just because I weigh in everyone first and see how things are going. It makes me kind of stressed but I want to cheer everyone and try to keep people motivated even though I am so worried that I won't lose. Today everyone weighed and it was my turn and I got on the scales to see I was only down 0.8 lbs. I am now down to 281.5 a little close to the wall but not quite there. My total weight loss is 18.8 lbs. I know I keep saying this but for smaller people that is a significant number but you weigh as much as I do it just doesn't seem to amount to much. We did measure today to and I don't have the numbers right with me but I did lose at least an inch or 2 in every area. I just wish I could see the difference in things I wear.
  I am kind of anxious because I am going away this weekend to see friends I haven't seen in a very long time and I know we are going to be in a place where I can eat everything I love but I so want to get past 280 lbs soon. I need to do it soon!! It is my birthday this week end too and I would love that to be the best present I could give to myself. I just hope I can do it!!!

What if's........

I haven't written this week because I am honestly afraid of a few things. First I am afraid people are going to stop reading because I am boring complaining about the things that are happening to me in the stupid weight loss thing. Secondly I am afraid if I talk about things that are really affecting me I am just going to sabotage myself. I know that people keep telling me that they are reading and following me and that they love it when I post but do they really? I think that people think I am not going to keep up with things which is most likely true, but I really don't want to give up. The thought did cross my mind this week. I really thought about giving up. I keep feeling like nothing is moving. I know I have lost 17.7 lbs. but it just seems like nothing and now after just a 0.3lbs last week I honestly am feeling defeated. I worked my butt off last week and that was what I had to show for it. I have taken the things into account that people have told me about how to switch things up and what works for them and I have tried to implement some of those things into my routine. I have changed up my workout.I have tried different things with food. I have tried to figure out what might not be the best things for me to eat and how to workout. I again this week have busted my butt in the gym but I have been so tired everyday and I don't understand it, and I am afraid it's not helping.
 I know people tell me not to worry about the number but I have to. I don't know how you can weigh what I weigh and not think about the numbers. I used to weigh myself everyday and I have gone from doing that to waiting until Sunday. I keep thinking maybe if I did weigh myself more often I wouldn't have the anxiety that I have come Sunday. I don't know that anxiety is the word to use but there is certainly a level of excitement and apprehension. These last 2 weeks have been even more of a worry for me.  I really would like to get past the number 280 but I realize that worrying about it and hoping it would happen may really be keeping me from getting there.
 I went out on Tues. to a Mexican restaurant and I was kind of disappointed that I wasted the calories I did on the food I had. I keep thinking that maybe I am eating too much or not enough,but I writing down everything I eat so I know some days I don't make it to my calories and some days I do. I haven't gone over but I have had days where I forget to completely enter my food but I remember what I ate and it's within my calories. There has to be something I can do to make this go along in the right direction. I feel like the best thing for me to do is just keep doing what I am doing instead of switching it up. I did keep telling myself last weekend that a loss is a loss but it's really hard to keep doing that. I really hope this week is going to be a good week for me. I really hope that all the work I am doing will eventually kick in and show results and most of all I really hope I don't give up. I come home everyday and think I don't want to work out or eat what is good for me but I do end up working out and eating what is right for me I am just afraid it's not enough. OH how I ramble about this but all these things go thru my head. I just wished thinking about it burned more fat and calories!!
 I again want to thank all those who continue to support me and I hope I can continue to get your support. I can feel so many people behind me and what I am trying to do. I just really hope I can continue to do it. I know with your support and encouragement that I can continue on. I just hope this week is a loss. Thanks again.

A loss none the less....

So I have been so worried about this 280 lb mark that I am pretty sure that I am sabotaging myself. I really wanted to lose 2 lbs this week because A. I would have been down 20lbs and B. I would be at my wall number of 280. I am not sure if me thinking about it all week has hindered me and made me stress out to the point that the weight stayed on no matter how hard I tried. I have had so much help and encouragment this week and it means so much to me. This week is going to be a killer for me. I am really putting the pedal to the metal. I still need the support! I know I can't do this without all of you out there helping me. I know I say I hate it when people tell me things about how I should eat or what I should do, but the fact of the matter is I need to hear it. It means so much that people are really into seeing me succeed. I just hope I can!! So I only lost 0.3lbs this week and I am alittle closer to my wall weight but I am really hoping I get past my wall. Thank you for all your help and please don't stop because I can't and won't but I really need you all to get thru this. I can't tell you how easy it would be to just give up but for some reason this time I know I can't.

Fear of fat!!

I hate to say if but tonight as I am getting ready for bed I am doing nothing but thinking about weighing in tomorrow. I have pretty much thought about it all day. I got up early and went to the gym but had a really hard time doing my workout. Thank goodness Alison was with me because I would have given up in no time at all. I don't know why it was so hard. I had a good nights sleep and I felt really motivated until I actually started going. My body is sore and it was just beginning to feel normal when I worked out again so I was kind of frustrated when today was so rough.
 Everyone (well not really everyone but a lot of people) keeps telling me to not worry about the number but when you are so heavy the number is really important. I wish that it was something that I didn't have to consider but honestly you can't just not check and see how much you weigh by the way your clothes fit. I tend to wear things alittle baggie anyways so I would be more upset if I just went by how my clothes fit. There is always this level of anxiety for anyone stepping on a scale. I can't say I won't be upset tomorrow if I don't lose some weight. I have lost 17.3 lbs as of last week and everyone who reads this knows that I am close to the number that always gives me a run for my money. I can also tell you that I would be ecstatic if my weight was 279.9. I know that is just 0.1lbs below 280 but it is a number I haven't seen in years and also the number that seems to be my wall. I am trying not to think to hard about it because I know that can also hinder me. Honestly though the emotions that you have when you have been up and down and you are heavier than you ever thought you could possibly be are overwhelming, especially when you know there is this number that constantly haunts you. I also started thinking today that the more I lose the more I am actually going to have work even harder because it is going to take more and more for me to lose weight. I so don't want to go back to giving up like I have before but there is part of me that is getting tired of being so conscious of what I eat and drink but there is another part of me that is looking forward to changing things. I see what a difference it has made in me and Xavier already I just hope I can continue.
 I have to be honest and say that the amount of support has been so great and it really helps me when people say they are following my blog and that they are hoping I do well. I have done this so many times in the past that I am afraid people are thinking that it's just Karen trying it again but she will give up soon and next year we will start this all over again. I honestly don't want that to be the case. I want to have people seeing me next year and say WOW you did it!! I hope I can do it and really show myself and my son that living healthier though not always fun is the best way to be.

Did you ever wonder.....?

I know, how weird to use that as a title to my blog tonight but I was thinking alot lately about what it would be like to be skinny. I know it's something that big girls and skinny girls all think about. I look at skinny girls and think " I wonder what it's like to have a flat stomach?" To be able to put on a pair of pants and tuck you shirt in instead of having to hide you flabby stomach. " I wonder what it's like to be able to walk into a section of a store or even just a store that has sizes under 20's and be able to put anything on and it look cute?" I am sure skinny girls often wonder about what it's like to be thinner but to never have known what it's like makes you wonder these things. I often wonder what it would be like to go to a resturaunt and not have to check out the booth first to make sure your going to fit or at least be able to get the table in between your rolls. I wonder what it would be like to get on an airplane and not have to ask for a seatbelt extender. I wonder what it's like to not have to worry about flying a long distance and having to get up and use the bathroom and not look like an idiot trying to get in or out of the bathroom. I wonder what it's like to go on amusement park rides. I haven't ridden a ride in years because I am too afraid the safety belts and harnesses wont fit me and I will have to get off the ride. I wonder why I just can't be skinnier.
 Alot of the time I wonder if I could be skinnier would I have had a man in my life. Would I have met someone and had more kids. I know that looking back on what could have been isn't a productive way of thinking. But when you get to be this far along in your life and your still alone it's really hard to not wonder those things.I guess now I have to find a way to focus on what can be. I know that there is a purpose for me being this way for so long. I know that God is going to use this adventure in some way for His glory. I still sing during my workout that " I can do all things thru Christ who gives me strength" and it helps me get thru that final stretch in my workout. I need all the strength I can get. It's only been 2 months since I started this and there are days I really feel like I am not going to be able to get to where I want to be and sometimes I just want to give up. I do have to say that the reason I have kept going is because of the people who have come up to me or have written me and encouraged me and those who are  praying for me and I know that it is really the power that has kept me on track. I really hope this week is a good weight loss because I am close to the number that has always been my wall, and I am actually scared of how I might react if I can't get there. I have almost made my goal of 10lbs a month but I am alittle off now. I want to really keep that in focus but I am afraid of looking at the scales on Sunday! I wonder how I am going to be if I hit that mark and just stay there. I don't want to have that happen again!!!!
  If anything I want to thank those people and please dont' feel like its getting old for me to hear, in fact it is just the opposite. Your support is a driving force for me!!! I will still wonder alot and always will but now I am hoping and praying and working to stop the wondering and have a realization of what is going to happen to me this year.

OH NO HERE IT COMES!!!!!!!

Well it has been alittle bit since I have written because I have been sick. I am pretty sick of being sick right now. The colds I have gotten this year have really done a number on me. I was really hoping eating better and exercising was really going to help me be more healthy including not getting sick but obviously viruses have other ideas. With the cold coming to an end I have headed back to the gym with much reluctance. But this week has also brought on another issue for me. I lost 0.7lbs this week which brings me within 2.3 lbs of a number that has haunted me for several years. I get down to 280 and for some reason can never get past it. So when I am this close it scares me and I am afraid that I am never going to get past it. I know the word never is a big word and I shouldn't use it because this is a new trek for me. I am approaching it differently this time, but it doesn't mean I can't be worried about it. It has been a number that for years gives me this wall that I feel that I just can't knock down.
  I was told today by a longtime friend that the reason I am single is because I have a defeatist attitude. I guess I really never thought of it that way. I dont' want this stupid number to defeat me but it has been such a block for several years. Chantal has been with me thru the tears of staying at that number for weeks and weeks no matter how hard I try. I have to admit I am trying harder this time more than ever. I am trying to make this number be my competition. I so badly want to get on the scale this week and see a number under 280. It could be 279.9 and I would be so unbelievably happy. It would also mean I have lost 20 lbs. I know when people say they have lost 20lbs it is something that can be seen on most people or you notice a difference in your clothes. I dont' have either one. I always say when you are this size 20lbs is a drop in the bucket. I will be happy with 20lbs don't get me wrong but I feel like it is taking so long but really I am kind of where I wanted to be. I have said 10lbs a month.
 So I am trying to break down this wall of insecurity I have with this silly number. I just hope I can dig deep this week and lose that 2.3 or more pounds,

This is getting tougher!!!

I haven't written in a while because I have been sick. Anyone who knows me knows that this cold was like a truck hitting me. With the sickness I haven't been able to go to the gym and I am honestly kind of scared. I haven't been in a week and I am afraid because it has been so easy to not go that I will just not go again ever. We all have patterns and mine is to kind of start giving up when it seems easier to just give up than to keep trying. The other thing is my fridge isn't working well so I had to turn it off so the repair guy can look at it to see if it can be fixed. (more money). So tonight instead of cooking because I would have to go thru coolers of food, we went to the mall. Xavier needed new shoes for school so it was a good excuse. So the mall has all kind of draws for me of which shopping isn't one of those things, its actually the food and soda. Whenever I go to the mall I would get a Diet Coke from Mcd's and the I would have Taco Bell and when we left I would get a pretzel. So now when I go to the mall it is really hard to not think about those things. We did do Taco Bell and it is nice that they have the calorie content so I actually didn't do so bad at that. Then because they serve soda I had to try to find something that wasn't soda and didn't have a million calories. I have learned that alot of "diet" drinks have more than 100 calories and that's such a waste of good calories. I could have another taco for that and alittle more, LOL. Honestly it was hard to walk past Mcd's and not get a Diet Coke. There was a part of me that wondered if I would still like it or if it would really be such a bad thing for me to get one. Truthfully it wouldn't be a "bad" thing but it would be me giving up on  a goal. I found some diet Snapple tea and I actually enjoyed it with my tacos.We did our shopping that we needed and when it was time to go the thought to get a pretzel went through my head. It really is funny the things that I associate with different places. Anytime we go on a trip I plan all the places we are going to eat and how to get to them and then I look for a hotel and how to get there. I have priorities. As I walked thru the mall all those thoughts came to mind and then I started thinking about how careful I was at Taco Bell, not as good as I could have been but I didn't exceed my calorie count. I just think about the past when I wouldn't have thought about any of those things. It really is easier with the calories posted but I also looked it at and realized how easy it was for me to go there and eat almost 2500 calories at one meal and then get a pretzel and that tonight I ate under 700 calories. That made me feel good.. It would have just been a ritualistic kind of trip. I know that this is just part of a journey and I will have alot of these little milestones I hope. I am also trying to remember where I don't want to go especially in my head!!
  I am going to dinner tomorrow night with some friends and I actually started to get worried as I looked at the menu of the place where we are going because I am afraid I will cave and just get what I think I want.I am doing like I have learned and I am trying to preplan in my head what I might get. I am actually very picky so my choices are usually pretty limited and usually what I like is the fattening high calorie stuff. So with tonight being a success at Taco Bell, although I actually wish I hadn't eaten it but I needed something different and to prove I could do it and be ok.
 Well this week is coming to a close and the weigh in looms over my head and I am kind of afraid because I haven't been to the gym and I had Taco Bell (even though I was pretty good). I hope just the fact that I was sick and that I was being careful will reflect in my numbers. I can sense alot of the people at church losing their motivation and I don't want to lose it but I can also sense it in myself. I want everyone to just keep exctied at this weight loss adventure. Keep me in your prayers and I'll be letting everyone know soon how things go. Thanks for the encouragement and please don't be afraid to keep it up because I need it.!!!!!!!

It's about time.......

I forgot to say in my last post that I am at 12 pounds down so 288. Honestly I have been here before and it is usually about this time I hit a wall and plateau. When that happens I get really frustrated and want to stop and usually I do. I am NOT going to do that this time. I just had a discussion with Xavier and us staying on track and I think with all the support from the friends, family and co-workers that I am getting I am hoping I can just keep going. I am going to be 42 on March 16th and by then I am hoping to be down to under 280. I am going to visit my friend Amy and Julie that weekend and I would like to feel somewhat more comfy in the airplane seat than I have in the past. I have mentioned in the past how much I love to fly but how embarrassing it is to have to ask for a seat belt extender and I hate sitting next to people I don't know because I am in my head thinking they are thinking " OH great I have to sit next to the one fatty on the plane" I am sure that isn't always the case but when your fat that is kind of always going thru your head even though it may not be the case. Well enough whining about being fat because I wanted to share that for the first time in this whole adventure someone walked up to me and asked me if I was losing weight!! I was so excited inside but kind of downplayed it. It was a lady that works for the OR but not in the OR so I don't see her on a daily basis so it was nice. She came out and asked me if I was losing weight and she said she recognized my hair but thought something looked different and then when she saw my face she said she could tell I was losing weight. I truly downplayed it and said I was trying and talked about the fact we are doing Biggest loser at church and how important it is to have the support and I can honestly say that it has been helpful. It really is nice for someone to recognize that you are working hard and that they can see the changes. I try to tell Xavier how great he looks since he started and how I can tell that his uniforms are fitting better and he is looking so much better and I do see it and I hope he sees and keeps on trying.
 Well last night I went to church to drop Xavier off for the church allnighter and one of the guys that goes to church (not knowing someone else had said something) said to me "You can tell your losing weight I can see it in your face. Good job. Keep up the good work" He has no idea how much that meant. That even though I was sick and irritated with my teen it was nice to hear someone else say that. It is hard when you don't see it other than a mere 12 pounds on the scale but when other say they can see it it really means so much. I so hope in a couple of months it will really be noticeable to me and others. I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone again. I still really need the encouragement and the cheerleading as much as I did the first couple of weeks. I feel like some of us are losing motivation and I am going to work on getting everyone excited again for it this week. Again please keep up with the encouragement. I know I shouldn't ask but it really does help me keep perspective. Here's hoping to alittle weight loss this week. I only got to the gym twice because of schedules and then I got this stupid cold and I haven't felt like it but I have kept on track with my eating I think so I am hoping for alittle loss. How much does snot weigh because my head is full of it? I should be able to take a pound or 2 off for that!! Well on that note.... I will say goodnight and hopefully I can report a weight loss tomorrow.

From McDonalds bags to Planet Fitness water bottles and tootsie roll wrappers

I know that it's been a little while since I wrote and I apologize but I do have a teenage son and I have been spending time with him and traveling to see him play basketball games and just being a mom. I may not always be good at it but I want him to know I am always here for him and I am his biggest fan. He may not play much but I still can't wait to cheer him on when he gets out to play.
 The title to this is post is kind of funny but the other day I was trying to clean out my front passenger side floor so my son could get in and not step all over trash and when I reached to down to clean it up I realized that what I was picking up was such an extreme from what had been there before. Instead of McDonald's cups and wrappers I was picking up Planet Fitness water bottles and tootsie roll wrappers(they have a bucket of them as you leave PF as a treat after working out). If anyone knows me at all they know how McD's has always been a big part of my life and may have been, if not the whole reason but a big reason of why I am sitting here today writing this blog. I started working at Mcd's when I was 16 and even before that it was such a treat to go to Mcd's. Pretty soon it wasn't a treat it was kind of an addiction. I had always joked at work that I believe they put something in the food so that people would keep coming back and to some degree I think that it might be true but no way to prove it other than my weight continuing to rise. I look back now at how huge I thought I was and I was an XL weighing about 200lbs. I sit here today writing this at 288. Almost 100 pounds more than when I worked at Mcd's. NOT to say that I stopped going to Mcd's by any sense of the word but I think I actually went more. I had at one point been going everyday. I would say it was just to get a Diet Coke or I didn't have time to make breakfast. There was always a reason when truth be told I didn't just get a Diet Coke. I would get a cheesburger or chicken nuggets or sometimes even both. I then started getting breakfast everyday because it was easier to go thru the drive thru. I could leave the house alittle earlier and get a hot breakfast instead of eating cereal or something. One day after my daily breakfast of a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit and a hashbrown,  I was walking into work from the shuttle I was having a hard time breathing and almost like chest pain. It wasn't the type of hearattack pain that I hear about but it was enough to scare me but it didn't stop me. I thought it was just I was tired or coming down with something. So as the day went on I was fine. So the next day drive thru again and the same breakfast again the same pain on my way in, but I still didn't stop. I joined a weight control group a few years ago and one of the challenges the leader gave me was to stop going to Mcd's. I thought she was alittle off but I decided to try it. Oh believe me I still go Diet Coke from other places but I did stop going for  several months, and surprisingly my chest stopped hurting. So I stuck with it until it became inconvient to not go or at least that is what I told myself. So I started going occassionally when I needed something to tide me over until dinner and then it just progressed to the point I was getting something and then having dinner and snacks later too. I also loved their Diet Coke. I don't know what it was but that was my whole rationalizing was that I needed to get a Diet Coke. Well the pains started again and I decided to stop getting anything other than Diet Coke, which worked for a while. Well we know that being healthy is not always easy and so like dieting this was all up and down for me. Sometimes I was really good about it and other times not so good and I would continue to go. It wasn't until I started seeing what I was doing to my son that I realized something needed to change. It was nothing for us to order a meal and chicken nuggets and other stuff and I saw my son getting heavier and heavier and at one point stopped looking at myself and saw the damage I was doing to us as a whole.How can I stop? I remember one day cleaning out the back of my car and I had a tall kitchen garbage bag and it was full of fast food containers and bags! I thought I hope that none of my neighbors see this. How sick is that that I wanted to hide my poor habits from my neighbors but I was wearing it all over in the form of FAT!!!
 With all that being said I will be honest and say there are still some fast food bags in the back seat of my car but the stuff that was in them was in no way what it used to be. We got breakfast of Egg mcmuffins and when we go we look at the fat and calorie content and most of the time we leave and go to Subway. Xavier has made huge decisions and amazing strides in this whole adventure which I hope will continue. He will talk about what he wants and then ask how many calories and how much fat is in it and then changes his mind. So now we have come a distance and there is still a long way to go but to honestly say that I would much rather be picking up tootsie roll wrappers and water bottles than fast food wrappers is a huge thing!! And my hope and prayer is that as time goes on it will stay that way!!

Its the "small" things.

This is going to be kind of short and sweet because I do tend to ramble on. Tonight I had a quandry! I had to head to Xavier's basketball game right after work which is when I usually go to the gym. He had left his stuff in my car so I had to rush there because the game started at 5. I was starving when I left. I had lunch at 12ish and I was starting to get alittle hungry before I got there but I had planned on making chicken chili when I got home. But I remembered I really needed to go to the gym. By the time we got home it was close to 630pm and I also needed to go to the store to get lunch stuff for tomorrow for both Xavier and I. So I decided I just wouldn't go, but if I didn't go that would mean I wouldn't get to go until Thurs. because of church on Wed. night so it was looking like i should really try to go to the gym. With much dread I put on my shoes and grabbed my stuff and headed out the door, still not having been able to eat. I went to the gym and to the store and I realized I really hadn't eaten still and so I decided to do something quick which is not always the best choice but after sitting and looking up calories I decided that at Mcd's I would get a southern chicken sandwich which has no condiments on it and a small fry. I couldn't wait to get home to eat it. By the time I got home and sat down to eat it my stomach was kind of topsy turvy and I was sure I just needed to eat. That first bite was so good even though things were alittle cold, but as I continued to eat I suddenly felt it wasn't that good. Actually it was good but instead of listening to the little voice in my head that said keep going don't waste, you don't have Mcd's often, keep going eat thru the pain, I STOPPED!!! I put the sandwich and what was left of a SMALL fry I folded up in the box and threw it away!! I actually threw fries from a small fry away!! Who does that!!!!??? Its a small fry for crying out loud!! But I did it. I didn't do it to show anyone but myself that I didn't really need to eat the whole thing to feel full. It's the little things that hopefully will add up in the end!!! Thanks for all the support from everyone!! It means the world to me!!!!

Where to now....?

Many of you know that this weeks weigh in was not a good one for me. It wasn't horrible but I had worked so hard all week and when I weighed in I had gained almost a half pound (not quite almost). I was excited that my friends all were doing well and I thought maybe it would be a good week for me. I had spent every day but Wed. and Sun. at the gym increasing my time on the elliptical and being refrained from doing so many days of weights but I did do them 3 days because it does help get me going. I really felt for the first time in a long time I had worked really hard and it was going to pay off. I usually wait until the end to weigh because I am weighing everyone else and then I can either rejoice with just Alison and myself or cry like I did on Sunday and like I am now. I have been so good with serving sizes and carbs and calories. I kept track of everything I ate. I made nothing but skinnytaste.com recipes or ate Subway or something really healthy. There is nothing like standing there waiting for those 0.00 to change to a weight that you are hoping is down from what you were the week before. People are always saying don't be a slave to the scale, don't let the numbers bother you, it's all in how you feel!! Well when you get on the scale and you say to yourself you aren't going to let the number bother you or affect you it's a lie. Everyone is like it's all in how you feel but honestly at this weight it's hard to feel good about yourself even after a good week and the scale goes up. If you have never been 300 lbs its easy to say those things. I am so honored and encouraged by what everyone is saying to me. I can't tell you how much it means to me. I am crying now as I am writing this because all of the people who have just continued to push me is amazing. I never thought I would have such a support. But with that being said I have to say that even when I read them and I am so touched the only thing I hear is how much I hate doing this and how much I am mad that I didnt' lose a thing last week. How I am now behind in my goal because of last week. Honestly I don't feel good!! My body hurts, I am tired and today being the first Monday of the month Planet Fitness has Papa Johns' pizza and I have been wanting pizza so bad, but the great thing about that is after and hour on the elliptical all I wanted to do was throw up from the smell. I actually also had this thought as I was passing thru the gym and all the skinny people are sitting there eating pizza was that they were sitting there looking at the one fat girl in the gym and thinking surely she is going to come have pizza. As I left the gym without taking pizza I wondered how many people that were sitting there ( there were alot of people sitting there eating) were surprised to see me walk out with out any pizza. That is what it is like in a big girls head all the time. I have lived my life thinking I don't care what those people are thinking but the reality is it cuts to the core of who you are.
 Today as I was hurting and struggling thru the hour of pain and agony I was thinking how cool it would be to walk in here in a year and have the people who work there everyday, including the moron trainer, see me as a smaller girl (100lbs at least). I have had that dream many times. I want to see people who have known me all my life as a big girl see me as a smaller girl, a healthier girl. But truth be told those dreams are strong until I get on the scale at 290lbs and the number goes up my dreams go out the window. I know this is one week but each day of this is a struggle and I wake up hurting everyday and I say to myself I am not sure I can do this anymore. I know I have to keep going but it would be really easy to give up. I also know I need to have all the advice and encouragement or I will give up. Thanks for all of it!!!

How does it get to this....?

I was always kind of naive when it came to alot of things. I know that the things I know now were things I would never thought possible. I can say I have played the naive card alot in the past. The one thing I know I haven't been naive about is how I got to this point. I do like to pretend I knew what I was doing, that I knew I was fat and that it was ok. Like I have said before I was always overweight and I remember when I was 100 lbs smaller and 20 years younger than I am now I thought I was huge and I thought then I could lose weight no problem. I was always confident and I did have men interested in me then but I didn't date anyone because I wasn't feeling attractive. IF I had only known then what I know now I wonder how things would have been different. I think its funny the things we thought before have changed. Now here I am looking back and thinking these things when the fact of the matter is I should be focusing on what could be. It seems so much easier to look back on what was then it is to look forward to what could be. I think I have gotten so set in thinking about what could be and what was, that I am having a hard time focusing on now. 
  I have had many thoughts running through my head in the last couple of weeks. I keep thinking about how I so easily give up on this whole losing weight thing in the past. How it would be nice to just go back to eating what I want and not going to the gym. I hate going to the gym. But then I think about what if I didn't think of all these things. Where would I be? Where would my son be? I know that the things I am changing and doing are for us. Today was kind of a milestone in my thinking and ways I can change. I made a goal today to go for an hour on the elliptical and do my weights too. I know that there are people who do this everyday, but I don't. This exercise thing is just something I can't get into. I never really liked it but I was able to do things more easily when I was younger and honestly alot lighter, but like all the things I am trying to do, changing how I feel about exercise is high on the list. I don't look forward to it but I am trying to look forward to how I am going to feel in a few months. I have tried to set small goals and each one so far has been met. Today was a huge one for me, I did the weights and then I did 1 hour on the elliptical. I have such a hard time even most of the time getting to 30-40 minutes but today I had decided it was time to go past my comfort zone. So I did.I still don't get it when people say they feel so good after exercise.  Honestly the best part of the whole thing was the messages I got on Facebook. It makes me feel so good that people are so behind me. SO with this goal being met I am going to try to set a new goal. I am going to try to keep at an hour for a while and I am really hoping to be 30lbs down by my birthday (March 16th). Now the big worry is the scale tomorrow. I hope I have some results. I know people say it doesn't matter but the reality is that it does matter. So here's to goals and meeting them and hoping I can stick with this.

Losing momentum.......

Today was an interesting day. I had taken the day off as a death in family day and I spent some time (alot of time) thinking about my uncle. The funeral was yesterday and I spent this morning looking at pics my cousins had posted and just remembering how much I missed him and the fun we used to have when we would visit them. There were little things all day that made me think of him and my aunt and my cousins. So knowing I had the day off to do such things we had made plans to go to the gym earlier in the day (1130am). I don't usually get to go until after work(4pmish) I figured it would be a good break and I wouldn't sit home and cry. I honestly am surprised how much the death of my uncle has hit me. I think alot of it is thinking about my dad.
So we get to the gym and I just kept thinking I am just not into it. I don't know why. Thank goodness Alison, Rachelle and Emily were meeting me there because I am sure I would have stayed home and sulked all day. I am getting concerned because I feel like giving up!! I don't want to and I CAN'T but I just feel like I can't keep going like I am. I am sure some of it is the emotions I have had all week, but I am also famous for giving up. Alison said to me today that this is going to be a good week. I keep saying that every week and still feeling let down. I let myself down more than anything. I haven't been eating badly or not working out. Actually just the opposite but I feel like I am going no where. My body still hurts and I have such a hard time getting myself to the gym and instead of going longer and faster I find it harder to do the speed and distance I was doing last week. I really had to push myself today and I just didn't like it( I actually never do). I push myself everyday but today just seemed so exhausting. I don't want this to continue to happen. I keep thinking that at some point maybe I will start to like it, or all of a sudden my clothes will start to fall off because I have lost so much weight in one week. NOT HAPPENING!!!
 So how I do I keep myself going? How do I continue to go to the gym everyday? How do I not eat everything I want to eat? Since Jan.1st. I have been relatively good. How do I make that a lifelong goal to be as motivated today as I was 32 days ago? I dont' have it in me!!! I know that I have to make this a life long commitment for me and Xavier but it seems like it would be easier and cheaper to just go back to being fat!! NOT HAPPENING!!!
I don't know how I am going to do it. I do know that I can't do it myself. I can't let Xavier see me wanting to give in, he has come so far and is doing so well I don't want to hinder any progress for him. I want him to see that this battle we are facing is going to be worth it in the end. I think that is my problem. I can't see the end. I can't see what I may look like. I can't think about the way I will feel. All I can see is this big girl feeling helpless and in a lot of pain. Why am I fat???!!! I dont' even care about being "skinny" I just want to be healthy and I am feeling like that is so far out of reach.
The song I have listened to ALOT during my workouts has been a song by Matthew West called Strong Enough and even though the song wasn't written about me or weight loss it is a song that I find myself singing alot and listening to as I work out so I will push myself. The words of the song start out with "You must think I am strong to give me what I am going thru. Well forgive me, forgive me if I am wrong, but it looks like more than I can do on my own." Those words are how I feel all the time. I am not sure if the reason I am fat is because it is a battle I need to go thru or to prove to me that I need to rely on God for EVERYTHING!!! I know He isn't going to just let me lose 50 lbs in a week but the best part of the song comes in here when I start to think the way I have been today and if you are ever at the gym and you see me with a horrible look on my face and I am mouthing words theses are the words of the song that make me keep on with my work out and lifestyle change and it happens to be one of my favorite Bible verses and it says "I can do all things through Christ who give me strength and I dont' have to be strong enough" But today the verse that is just before this part of the song is what stood out to me and it says "Well maybe that's the point to reach the point of giving up, because when I finally reach rock bottom that's when I start looking up...." I have come to the point where I have come close to giving up but I have also had a talk with God saying I need your help. I think He wants to help me. I hope He does, because I did do the things I needed to do and I already have my gym clothes out for the gym tomorrow. I dont' want to go but I have to go. I can do ALL things!!!
 I knew this wasn't going to be easy but I thought it would get easier over time. I guess 30something days isn't long enough. LOL.!!! So with all that being said I am asking for your prayers your encouragement and what ever else the Lord lays on your heart for me. I have a goal of 100 lbs by Dec. 31 and I really hope I can sit here on that night and say to you and myself. "I DID IT" I am putting it in God's hand. I have no control.

Who do you think you are???

Well tonight after going to the gym for an hour and a half I headed to Xavier's basketball game. When I got there my dad was there and he was sitting in a chair and then he had to leave so I sat down in the chair. When halftime came this older woman gets up and walks over and stands by me and starts talking how she had to get up and walk around and then I am not kidding you she looks at me with this look that clearly says "Shouldn't you get up off your butt fatgirl!" I am not exaggerating. So I looked back at her and calmly said "Well I am welcoming the chance to sit because I just came from the gym." Again I kid you not she said to me "Well it must be hard just starting out!"and in her head the sentence ended with"at your weight". I have to tell you I could have strangled her. How dare her!! I may be a big girl but I am not just starting out!! I wanted to say "You know what lady I have been struggling with this my entire life and I don't know who you think you are and unless you are Dolvett standing here telling me this to get my butt off the chair I think you better check yourself!!!" But I didn't. I just looked at her and smiled because she had no idea that when you say something like that to a fat girl it isn't a casual conversation it seems like an attack.
 So hence comes the title of my post. I know you are thinking I was thinking that(Who do you think you are) about this woman and honestly yes I was at first and then I realized "this is who I am" I am the fat girl sitting in the chair that probably gives the impression that I dont' move or work or exercise but I know that NOW that isn't who I am but that was who I was to some degree. I have always worked even as a big girl, even when I didn't want to. I have always been somewhat athletic up until the last few years. But that is not who I am not. Who do I think I am? I am a single mother of a sweet 16 year old son. I am a woman with low self esteem, who works to provide for my son. I am the daughter of two amazing and wonderful parents that I have often taken for granted. I am a friend not always a great friend but I will always love my friends.I am a woman who craves the love of a man and to have a bigger family. I am a girl who has had a life long relationship with food that has put me in the place where I am trying to figure out who I am and to make sure that Who I am to become is somewhere in me. I used to quote a comedian because I always thought it was kind of funny and it was a good way for me to cover up how I truly felt about myself. Here is the quote. "They say inside every fat girl there is a skinny girl trying to get out. Not me I done fried her up and ate her" I always felt this saying was a way to fight how I felt about being fat and that I was ok with my weight when in the reality of things I would look at skinny girls and wonder what she did right that God allowed her to be skinny and what did I do that I deserved to be so big? With that I have to say God didn't make me fat. I made myself fat. However I am fully relying on God to give me the strength to be a healthier smaller girl. I may never be "skinny" but I can be smaller and healthier. So who do I think I am? I am me trying to be a better me and mom and friend!!! So Who do you think you are?

The good with the bad!!

Today was a day of many unexpected events. It was weigh in day and we also did our measurements. Again I had kind of worked my butt off at the gym. I had taken a couple of days off because of work and church but I made it for it by working out extra hard Friday and Sat. I went for an hour and half at the gym between workout and weights and then Sat. at our weekly last chance workout I did 4 miles in 45 minutes and I burned 580 calories. Knowing that I could do that really kind of made me feel like this might not be totally impossible. I still feel like it is impossible but I am going to try to not have such a defeatist attitude. I don't want surgery or try anymore fad diets I just want to change my bad habits and in the process lose weight. The good part of the day came at weigh in. I lost 2.9 pounds and a total of 5 1/4 inches(almost 3 from my waist). You know when you are almost 300 lbs. it just seems like a drop in the bucket. For someone who is 140lbs that is an amazing loss. In just a few pounds a smaller person would notice how differently their clothes fit. I am still yet to see any difference in my clothes. Well while I am writing this I was just trying to figure out how much weight I have lost and in 4 weeks I have lost 9.9lbs. IF I can continue a 10lb weight loss each month in 10 months I will be 100 lbs smaller. I think I can do it but it is still hard to change some habits. I still haven't had any Diet Coke and there are times that I really really want one and today I almost gave in. I think there is a part of me that feels like if I give in to Diet Coke will mean I give in to this whole process. I know it isn't that bad for me but I also know it's not that good for me either and I am trying to get away from things that aren't so good for me.
  Which leads to the bad part of the day... I had decided if I had lost weight that I would celebrate and go out to eat, another way to know you have an issue with food when you reward yourself for a loss by eating. Something I haven't really done since I started this journey well other than Subway and I am not sure that is really eating out. So I decided we would go to Moe's. I had saved some money for the day and knew it would be good time with Xavier too. I figured how bad can Moe's be? Its grilled meats and beans and whole grain tortillas. Well when I got there I had decided I was going to have Nachos then when I looked and saw that Nachos were going to be 1550 calories I then had to change my mind. The more I looked the more upset I got. I am standing in line with my phone app figuring up the caloric intake for each thing I wanted I was getting more frustrated. I said to Xavier "I am not going to worry about calories today" He just kind of looked at me and said "I am" and here I was thinking he was going to go for the nachos too but instead he went for the 800 calorie item instead. Granted that's alot of calories but he was really being aware of what he was eating. He didn't even get sour cream on it. I forgot to tell you that today he lost 3.2 pounds. I have been so proud of him. He is really on board with this. I just hope I have the strength to keep us both excited. He was so cute he was playing with the other kids and after he knew I had weighed he stopped playing and came running to see how I did. He makes me so proud. He seemed so proud  of me. I am so blessed by God for giving him to me.
  So while we were sitting at Moes I got a text message from my cousin Rick that my favorite uncle had passed away after what seemed to us like a short battle with pancreatic cancer but he has really had it for almost a year probably. I know that this sounds weird but I realized that after getting the news and letting it sit for a few minutes and got myself composed in the restaurant I for some reason thought the food tasted better than it had when I started eating it. It is very strange that I had never noticed this before that when I eat and I am upset by something the taste of the food seems better therefore I find the comfort in the food (MY BOYFRIEND!!!) I didn't want to eat anymore but I really truly noticed the change in how I felt about the food. I have always said I am not one of those people who eats when I am sad or depressed or happy or whatever but I eat because I love food. I still believe that is true but I also realize that my addiction to food is more enhanced by those feelings. Food really does have this strange affect on me. So with that being said I am trying to look to the next 4 weeks to lose another 10lbs. So I covet your support and prayers and all the encouragement is appreciated beyond anything I could possibly say. So please keep it all coming!! Off to the next 4 weeks.
 I will miss you Uncle Raymond!! Your were the best uncle! I wish we had had more time together thru the years and that my son could know you more!!! Give Uncle Arlin and Aunt Wanda and Aunt Jo and Aunt Nona and Uncle Gene and Aunt Margaret and Aunt Donna and everyone who is there a big hug from me and we will see you in heaven!!!

Is this worth it?????

I am sorry I haven't posted for a couple of days but it has been busy. Wednesday's are hard because I barely get home and make dinner then it is time to go to church and then yesterday I worked 11-900pm and then had to pick Xavier up at school from a basketball game, so I really didn't feel like writing and honestly I have been kind of cranky the last couple of days. I was not able to make it to the gym either Wed. or Thurs. and I am really feeling the affects tonight. I did make it to the gym tonight and was there for a long time and I felt so much better (yes I said it) after I worked out. I couldn't believe how stiff I was after not working out. I really really hope for a good loss this week!!!
 They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. I have been doing this for 27 days relatively speaking. I am not sure if I have really made this a habit because a habit becomes something you really like or want to do and I still don't like it or want to do it I just know I have to. I think that when you are trying to break  your self of something and you try to figure out why you do it, it is going to take longer than 21 days! I have spent several years trying to figure out why I stay at the weight I have been for so long. I haven't had any trauma that makes me hold on to fat. I am not depressed. I am stressed but that's life these days, and it doesn't cause me to eat anymore than usual. I thought maybe I had some hidden reason to eat but honestly I am pretty sure the reason I eat is because I really like food. I think the closest correlation I have is the fact I have been alone for so many years and food has become my boyfriend. It really has become a love affair. I love the way food smells and tastes and looks. I find comfort in eating something not necessarily fattening but just some kind of food. IF you think about it this is how food has been my boyfriend for so long. It is always there. It keeps me company when I am alone. I have to spend money on it but no matter what I always get what I want and if it leaves (I eat it) I can just make something more. Diet Coke was my flowers brought by my boyfriend. It all went hand in hand. In my real life relationships that I have actually had I always gave the guy everything. ( I am talking about men now not food) and hardly every did I get the same in return. Granted I have really only had 2 relationships but I also think it is has helped me realize that what I thought I wanted in a relationship I found in food. I have realized this before but never really said it. I don't use my relationships as an excuse to eat but I am just making a comparison to the love I think I feel for food that I have never had from a man. SOOOOO with that all being said like the relationships that have been broken off I have made a clearer break from food and Diet Coke. When I have lost in relationships I have been strong and realized I am capable of being on my own and that a man isn't going to complete my life. Neither is food. It isn't there to keep me company or take the place of love I can't seem to find. It is necessary for life but not necessary to replace what I think is missing. So it's been 27 days and my break up with food and Diet Coke is still new and the pain is still there. I miss some foods and for those who know me well I really miss Diet Coke. There are places I go that I used to go to with food and Diet Coke, and when I am there that longing to have those old feelings, those old companions I just have to realize like a man I don't need it. I may want it but now is not the time. I need to make sure this continues to be a clean break. People have said why give up Diet Coke but I realize that I have some real habits that I need to control. I need to do this for me. I spend alot of time on others and this is finally something I can control and most importantly I can show my son that changing your life for the better (like getting rid of old boyfriends just kidding)is really the most important thing. I have to be the best example to him and I know that at the weight I am currently and the love affair he and I both have for food I am not showing him how he can be his best in life and health and have a healthy long life. I have to take it slow and make sure he realizes the importance of a right kind of relationship with food!! I hope I can do this!! Thanks for your support and prayers please keep it coming!!!

Week 3 I give up....

So the week didn't start off great with my less than stellar weigh in, and things have just seemed to get worse. I really can't put my finger on it but I am really frustrated. The funny thing is that when I am so close to just saying "oh well today will be a bad day so I might as well just eat what I want and drink a Diet Coke" I get someone saying something to me or I get a great post on my wall. I think it is funny how God works. He knows me so well and when I least expect it someone is sent my way to just give me that extra push to say "just keep going". I have always been the person who thought I can do anything on my own. I THINK I can do it on my own but my life really goes to show that I can't do anything on my own. I need to rely on God first and foremost but the fact of the matter is I crave the encouragement I get.
  This past Sat. my friend Alison and I went to do our last chance workout that we have promised to do every Sat. When I got into the locker room one of my favorite people to ever work with was leaving and she came up to me and said "you are the reason I am here. I figured if you can do it I need to." I know she didn't say to boost my ego but to encourage me. I was actually kind of floored that someone could really think that I was an inspiration. I didn't see it and when I get home there is an email from her saying that she really meant what she said. I honestly started to cry because I am such a bad example. But it was one of those things that really just made me say "I can keep doing this". So Sunday night Xavier was sick and I was home with him on Mon and so what a great excuse to not go to the gym. AS the day went on Xavier started feeling better and I needed to go to the store to get him some soup and he said I should go to the gym while I am out. So I did. It wasn't one of my better workouts but I spent 42 minutes on the elliptical which was something I wanted to accomplish and I did because I could feel so many people really kind of powering me thru. Well Xavier had the stomach bug and I was pretty sure I was getting but I kept talking myself out of it because I knew it was in my head because I had been around him for 2 days while he was sick so of course I was going to get it. On Tuesday I had pretty much made myself feel sick but I had said I was going to go to the gym, and I am really working on following thru with what I say to myself. I did go to the gym and when I got home, my friend Janice that I knew from Liberty had posted a sign on wall on Facebook and I almost cried again because the sign was so dead on to how I was feeling. If you didn't see it the sign said...." Slow down, Yell out. Grit your teeth,feel the burn, CRY, JUST  don't stop! Believe you will make it. I couldn't believe that Janice being so far from me knew I needed that little boost. I do want to give up to be honest. I do want to just eat what I want and never exercise again. I would be lying if I said otherwise but the truth is even though I WANT to give up.... I CAN'T give up. This isn't just about me anymore. This is about living the life I should have lived and making sure my son learns he has to make a change before it is too late. I hope it's not to late for me and like I have said before I am hoping by next year I will posting on here that I am 200 lbs or less. I know to some that sounds high but for me it will be 100 lbs. I want to live a new life and show my son we can have a much better life than how we are living. A healthy life.

Big Let down!!!

Well today was our 3rd weigh in and I was not very happy with the results. I lost but only .4 pounds. I was really upset because I had worked so hard this week. It seemed like today was going to be really rewarding. I ate breakfast because I was confident in the way my week had gone. These are the times in the past that I have wanted to give up because it seems like no matter how hard I work I get no results.
 I went into this week thinking I was going to slack alittle but I didn't I even went to the gym when I didn't want to and even when I didn't feel good. I was happy I was doing weights with the cardio and actually sore but feeling like I was really motivated and all that is kind of gone now. See this is what it is like to be fat, it's so much easier to give in and just stop and stay the way I am. But at the same time I feel like I am giving up on my son. Today I preached at him because while he was at his fathers they had Chinese. I have asked them to try to help encourage Xavier to eat better and make good choices and then he gets Chinese food. I feel like if I give up and don't keep changing my life choices I am showing my son that it's ok to just throw in the towel when things get hard. Honestly that is exactly what I have done in the past. I am not sure what is so different then the 8,000 other times I have tried to lose weight but really looking at my son and realizing I am the only example he has to show him how to make good choices in all areas of his life. I have given up so many times before I can't now. If I do I not only fail but I fail him. How can I do that to my son??!!! Where do I get the energy and the motivation to continue on. I don't know but I have to do it!!
 

What doesn't kill you........

Today was a really tough day!! I had pretty much decided I was getting a stomach bug. I woke up around 300am, and spent about 1/2 hour in the bathroom praying not to throw up and I had horrible stomach pains. After sitting there for a while I decided to try to go back to bed and it seems just as I fell asleep my alarm to get up to go to work went off. Still not feeling so hot I spent the morning trying to tell myself its all in my head because so many people I knew had had the bug but no one I had really been around. So I picked up my stuff for work and I even grabbed my gym bag thinking if I felt better as the day went on I would try to go to the gym but I had already determined I was only going to do 20 minutes on the elliptical even after telling myself I was going for the most time I had ever gone for. But I didn't feel good so that's all that mattered. Well I ate breakfast and it was during our staff meeting in which 2 nurses who work with us in the OR but are also in the Air National Guard, spoke about their life in reserve and It was a great talk except for the pics of eyes(I am getting nauseous just talking about it) needless to say my stomach was still questionable. I went ahead and went to my OR room and we proceeded to have a good day and I was feeling ok, but.............. I was feeling really tired and the last time I went to the gym as tired as I was I had a horrible work out. So on the yellow tube of death (the shuttle from our parking lot to the hospital for those who don't know, its a big yellow school bus with scary drivers), I had talked myself out of going. Maybe I will just go home and take a nap before I go and maybe that will help but I also knew if I did I wouldn't go. Well with that being said I thought well if I go late then I will be up late because after I exercise like most people I have some energy. SO that was out! I'll just go home. But then I thought you know what, if I can't do it I'll just do what I can and go home at least I tried. So I got to the gym and sat in the parking lot hoping Dolvett would come out and drag my butt into the gym but then I thought I would never be able to make it thru a workout for him so that of course wasn't going to happen. So I posted on Facebook my dilemma of just sitting in my car at the gym trying to figure out if I could really have any energy to even walk into the gym. It seemed like immediately people were writing and me and encouraging me to just do it. So I got out of the car and headed in and because I was so tired I was super stiff and I am sure I looked like someone who was miserable and well like a fat girl going to the gym! LOL!!!
  I did go into the gym and I did actually do my entire circuit of weights and I actually upped each machine by 10 reps. The title of this post comes from a song I downloaded because I have a theme in my workout music about being strong and I had seen the song on a commercial. The song had the word stronger in it and it was song by Kelli Clarkson and when I downloaded the song I wasn't sure but the song says "what doesn't kill you makes your stronger, stand alittle taller, doesn't mean I am lonely when I'm alone, what doesn't kill you makes a fighter, footsteps even lighter...." Even though the song is about a relationship I really feel like it has become one of my theme songs. Believe me I have many and they all have to do with being stronger but today when I felt like I couldn't do it I turned that song on and actually played it a couple of times along with Matthew West Strong enough where he sings "I can do all things through Christ who give me strength".  I didn't make it to 40 minutes on the elliptical but I did make it to 34 and I had burned almost 400 calories!I know I should have been able to do those last 6 minutes but I really was afraid I might throw up, but I did do it!!
  Well that isn't the best part..... When I got back into the car I opened facebook, as I was trying to catch my breath, and then I saw all the posts from people who have already been so encouraging and I started to cry. It was really touching to see so many people really behind me and giving me the strength to just do the things I set my mind to but talk myself out of. I had the thought today that maybe this time next year all those people will be saying "look at all the weight you've lost.. remember the struggle you went thru!!" I really do hope that will be what's said!

A day of rest

So Wednesday's are a hard day for me to get to the gym because right after work I have to pick up Xavier, come home and cook dinner and then head to church, so I decide Wed. and Sunday's are days I dont' work out. I see now why it's easy for people to just give up because it feels nice to just relax and not be all sweaty and smelly and look horrible(well that part is about perspective). But I think as much as I would like to stay home tomorrow and cook meals or clean or even just chill and watch tv I realize that all those things got me to here where I am writing and talking about being fat.
 On a good note I will say that even though I am sooooooo tired when I get home from the gym I find I actually get things done that before I would leave until the weekend or when I had more time. It is kind of fascinating to me that even at my size I can workout like I have and then come home and cook and wash dishes and do all the things that before I just didn't feel like doing after 8 hours at work.
 I am excited that every morning I wake up and on the counter where Xavier has made his lunch is a list of the calories in his lunch! I have always worried about his self image but I am hoping that all this will help him make changes now that I didn't do when I was his age. Doing this for both of us has made such an impact on me and I hope and pray with him and everyone's support we will both be successful!!! Thanks again for all the support. We will see if I have the same perspective after the gym tomorrow. I am going to attempt 40 minutes on the elliptical after my weights. Pray that I can accomplish this small goal!

Flip the switch!!!

So since I started this whole thing a mere 17 days ago there have been alot of things that I have noticed and thought that I guess I never noticed or thought before. The first thought is people are genuine!! I think I have always thought that people say things but don't really mean them, and honestly including me!! Through this whole thing in 17 days I have felt so unbelievably supported as I have this time!! I do hope that people realize how important that is to me even if I dont' say so. I think this is something I have always thought I would do alone but I realize that it is the little things that people either write on my Facebook or here and things they say to me in person that are really helping me continue!
 I have, like every fat person, thought that at some point in my life this switch would flip in my head or stomach and I would just have a mindset to just do it and not have any worries. Guess what there is no switch!! There is nothing that will say to me exercise, eat right, take your time. There is not going to be some hot trainer coming to my house to whip me into shape and I am pretty sure I am never going to love exercising!!! But there has been something different this time than any other time before. I really want this!!
 Today when I got home I started thinking if I continue to lose 3 lbs a week which I hope I do I should be close to 100 lbs smaller by Christmas. In my mind I am not sure I can fathom that. The other thought is that I have a child who is prone to obesity because it is prevalent on both sides of his family and for some reason this time I feel like it is my responsibility to be a better example than I have ever been. I have let him down up until this point even though that may not be how he feels!!
 I was told I need to be more positive with myself and say positive things. I think doing this and saying what I feel is positive. I think being so easy on myself and thinking I don't look that bad for a fat girl and being positive throughout this has kept me at this weight for so long. So when you read this and I you think I am being negative remember that I am being positive in my own way for this to get to the point I need it to be. I don't have Dolvett here to yell at me so in a sense this is my version. But please please please continue to say things and write to me and respond to things. It really is helping in ways you have no idea, but I hope in the end you will be able to share in the ways you have helped!!!!!