The good with the bad!!

Today was a day of many unexpected events. It was weigh in day and we also did our measurements. Again I had kind of worked my butt off at the gym. I had taken a couple of days off because of work and church but I made it for it by working out extra hard Friday and Sat. I went for an hour and half at the gym between workout and weights and then Sat. at our weekly last chance workout I did 4 miles in 45 minutes and I burned 580 calories. Knowing that I could do that really kind of made me feel like this might not be totally impossible. I still feel like it is impossible but I am going to try to not have such a defeatist attitude. I don't want surgery or try anymore fad diets I just want to change my bad habits and in the process lose weight. The good part of the day came at weigh in. I lost 2.9 pounds and a total of 5 1/4 inches(almost 3 from my waist). You know when you are almost 300 lbs. it just seems like a drop in the bucket. For someone who is 140lbs that is an amazing loss. In just a few pounds a smaller person would notice how differently their clothes fit. I am still yet to see any difference in my clothes. Well while I am writing this I was just trying to figure out how much weight I have lost and in 4 weeks I have lost 9.9lbs. IF I can continue a 10lb weight loss each month in 10 months I will be 100 lbs smaller. I think I can do it but it is still hard to change some habits. I still haven't had any Diet Coke and there are times that I really really want one and today I almost gave in. I think there is a part of me that feels like if I give in to Diet Coke will mean I give in to this whole process. I know it isn't that bad for me but I also know it's not that good for me either and I am trying to get away from things that aren't so good for me.
  Which leads to the bad part of the day... I had decided if I had lost weight that I would celebrate and go out to eat, another way to know you have an issue with food when you reward yourself for a loss by eating. Something I haven't really done since I started this journey well other than Subway and I am not sure that is really eating out. So I decided we would go to Moe's. I had saved some money for the day and knew it would be good time with Xavier too. I figured how bad can Moe's be? Its grilled meats and beans and whole grain tortillas. Well when I got there I had decided I was going to have Nachos then when I looked and saw that Nachos were going to be 1550 calories I then had to change my mind. The more I looked the more upset I got. I am standing in line with my phone app figuring up the caloric intake for each thing I wanted I was getting more frustrated. I said to Xavier "I am not going to worry about calories today" He just kind of looked at me and said "I am" and here I was thinking he was going to go for the nachos too but instead he went for the 800 calorie item instead. Granted that's alot of calories but he was really being aware of what he was eating. He didn't even get sour cream on it. I forgot to tell you that today he lost 3.2 pounds. I have been so proud of him. He is really on board with this. I just hope I have the strength to keep us both excited. He was so cute he was playing with the other kids and after he knew I had weighed he stopped playing and came running to see how I did. He makes me so proud. He seemed so proud  of me. I am so blessed by God for giving him to me.
  So while we were sitting at Moes I got a text message from my cousin Rick that my favorite uncle had passed away after what seemed to us like a short battle with pancreatic cancer but he has really had it for almost a year probably. I know that this sounds weird but I realized that after getting the news and letting it sit for a few minutes and got myself composed in the restaurant I for some reason thought the food tasted better than it had when I started eating it. It is very strange that I had never noticed this before that when I eat and I am upset by something the taste of the food seems better therefore I find the comfort in the food (MY BOYFRIEND!!!) I didn't want to eat anymore but I really truly noticed the change in how I felt about the food. I have always said I am not one of those people who eats when I am sad or depressed or happy or whatever but I eat because I love food. I still believe that is true but I also realize that my addiction to food is more enhanced by those feelings. Food really does have this strange affect on me. So with that being said I am trying to look to the next 4 weeks to lose another 10lbs. So I covet your support and prayers and all the encouragement is appreciated beyond anything I could possibly say. So please keep it all coming!! Off to the next 4 weeks.
 I will miss you Uncle Raymond!! Your were the best uncle! I wish we had had more time together thru the years and that my son could know you more!!! Give Uncle Arlin and Aunt Wanda and Aunt Jo and Aunt Nona and Uncle Gene and Aunt Margaret and Aunt Donna and everyone who is there a big hug from me and we will see you in heaven!!!

Is this worth it?????

I am sorry I haven't posted for a couple of days but it has been busy. Wednesday's are hard because I barely get home and make dinner then it is time to go to church and then yesterday I worked 11-900pm and then had to pick Xavier up at school from a basketball game, so I really didn't feel like writing and honestly I have been kind of cranky the last couple of days. I was not able to make it to the gym either Wed. or Thurs. and I am really feeling the affects tonight. I did make it to the gym tonight and was there for a long time and I felt so much better (yes I said it) after I worked out. I couldn't believe how stiff I was after not working out. I really really hope for a good loss this week!!!
 They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. I have been doing this for 27 days relatively speaking. I am not sure if I have really made this a habit because a habit becomes something you really like or want to do and I still don't like it or want to do it I just know I have to. I think that when you are trying to break  your self of something and you try to figure out why you do it, it is going to take longer than 21 days! I have spent several years trying to figure out why I stay at the weight I have been for so long. I haven't had any trauma that makes me hold on to fat. I am not depressed. I am stressed but that's life these days, and it doesn't cause me to eat anymore than usual. I thought maybe I had some hidden reason to eat but honestly I am pretty sure the reason I eat is because I really like food. I think the closest correlation I have is the fact I have been alone for so many years and food has become my boyfriend. It really has become a love affair. I love the way food smells and tastes and looks. I find comfort in eating something not necessarily fattening but just some kind of food. IF you think about it this is how food has been my boyfriend for so long. It is always there. It keeps me company when I am alone. I have to spend money on it but no matter what I always get what I want and if it leaves (I eat it) I can just make something more. Diet Coke was my flowers brought by my boyfriend. It all went hand in hand. In my real life relationships that I have actually had I always gave the guy everything. ( I am talking about men now not food) and hardly every did I get the same in return. Granted I have really only had 2 relationships but I also think it is has helped me realize that what I thought I wanted in a relationship I found in food. I have realized this before but never really said it. I don't use my relationships as an excuse to eat but I am just making a comparison to the love I think I feel for food that I have never had from a man. SOOOOO with that all being said like the relationships that have been broken off I have made a clearer break from food and Diet Coke. When I have lost in relationships I have been strong and realized I am capable of being on my own and that a man isn't going to complete my life. Neither is food. It isn't there to keep me company or take the place of love I can't seem to find. It is necessary for life but not necessary to replace what I think is missing. So it's been 27 days and my break up with food and Diet Coke is still new and the pain is still there. I miss some foods and for those who know me well I really miss Diet Coke. There are places I go that I used to go to with food and Diet Coke, and when I am there that longing to have those old feelings, those old companions I just have to realize like a man I don't need it. I may want it but now is not the time. I need to make sure this continues to be a clean break. People have said why give up Diet Coke but I realize that I have some real habits that I need to control. I need to do this for me. I spend alot of time on others and this is finally something I can control and most importantly I can show my son that changing your life for the better (like getting rid of old boyfriends just kidding)is really the most important thing. I have to be the best example to him and I know that at the weight I am currently and the love affair he and I both have for food I am not showing him how he can be his best in life and health and have a healthy long life. I have to take it slow and make sure he realizes the importance of a right kind of relationship with food!! I hope I can do this!! Thanks for your support and prayers please keep it coming!!!

Week 3 I give up....

So the week didn't start off great with my less than stellar weigh in, and things have just seemed to get worse. I really can't put my finger on it but I am really frustrated. The funny thing is that when I am so close to just saying "oh well today will be a bad day so I might as well just eat what I want and drink a Diet Coke" I get someone saying something to me or I get a great post on my wall. I think it is funny how God works. He knows me so well and when I least expect it someone is sent my way to just give me that extra push to say "just keep going". I have always been the person who thought I can do anything on my own. I THINK I can do it on my own but my life really goes to show that I can't do anything on my own. I need to rely on God first and foremost but the fact of the matter is I crave the encouragement I get.
  This past Sat. my friend Alison and I went to do our last chance workout that we have promised to do every Sat. When I got into the locker room one of my favorite people to ever work with was leaving and she came up to me and said "you are the reason I am here. I figured if you can do it I need to." I know she didn't say to boost my ego but to encourage me. I was actually kind of floored that someone could really think that I was an inspiration. I didn't see it and when I get home there is an email from her saying that she really meant what she said. I honestly started to cry because I am such a bad example. But it was one of those things that really just made me say "I can keep doing this". So Sunday night Xavier was sick and I was home with him on Mon and so what a great excuse to not go to the gym. AS the day went on Xavier started feeling better and I needed to go to the store to get him some soup and he said I should go to the gym while I am out. So I did. It wasn't one of my better workouts but I spent 42 minutes on the elliptical which was something I wanted to accomplish and I did because I could feel so many people really kind of powering me thru. Well Xavier had the stomach bug and I was pretty sure I was getting but I kept talking myself out of it because I knew it was in my head because I had been around him for 2 days while he was sick so of course I was going to get it. On Tuesday I had pretty much made myself feel sick but I had said I was going to go to the gym, and I am really working on following thru with what I say to myself. I did go to the gym and when I got home, my friend Janice that I knew from Liberty had posted a sign on wall on Facebook and I almost cried again because the sign was so dead on to how I was feeling. If you didn't see it the sign said...." Slow down, Yell out. Grit your teeth,feel the burn, CRY, JUST  don't stop! Believe you will make it. I couldn't believe that Janice being so far from me knew I needed that little boost. I do want to give up to be honest. I do want to just eat what I want and never exercise again. I would be lying if I said otherwise but the truth is even though I WANT to give up.... I CAN'T give up. This isn't just about me anymore. This is about living the life I should have lived and making sure my son learns he has to make a change before it is too late. I hope it's not to late for me and like I have said before I am hoping by next year I will posting on here that I am 200 lbs or less. I know to some that sounds high but for me it will be 100 lbs. I want to live a new life and show my son we can have a much better life than how we are living. A healthy life.

Big Let down!!!

Well today was our 3rd weigh in and I was not very happy with the results. I lost but only .4 pounds. I was really upset because I had worked so hard this week. It seemed like today was going to be really rewarding. I ate breakfast because I was confident in the way my week had gone. These are the times in the past that I have wanted to give up because it seems like no matter how hard I work I get no results.
 I went into this week thinking I was going to slack alittle but I didn't I even went to the gym when I didn't want to and even when I didn't feel good. I was happy I was doing weights with the cardio and actually sore but feeling like I was really motivated and all that is kind of gone now. See this is what it is like to be fat, it's so much easier to give in and just stop and stay the way I am. But at the same time I feel like I am giving up on my son. Today I preached at him because while he was at his fathers they had Chinese. I have asked them to try to help encourage Xavier to eat better and make good choices and then he gets Chinese food. I feel like if I give up and don't keep changing my life choices I am showing my son that it's ok to just throw in the towel when things get hard. Honestly that is exactly what I have done in the past. I am not sure what is so different then the 8,000 other times I have tried to lose weight but really looking at my son and realizing I am the only example he has to show him how to make good choices in all areas of his life. I have given up so many times before I can't now. If I do I not only fail but I fail him. How can I do that to my son??!!! Where do I get the energy and the motivation to continue on. I don't know but I have to do it!!
 

What doesn't kill you........

Today was a really tough day!! I had pretty much decided I was getting a stomach bug. I woke up around 300am, and spent about 1/2 hour in the bathroom praying not to throw up and I had horrible stomach pains. After sitting there for a while I decided to try to go back to bed and it seems just as I fell asleep my alarm to get up to go to work went off. Still not feeling so hot I spent the morning trying to tell myself its all in my head because so many people I knew had had the bug but no one I had really been around. So I picked up my stuff for work and I even grabbed my gym bag thinking if I felt better as the day went on I would try to go to the gym but I had already determined I was only going to do 20 minutes on the elliptical even after telling myself I was going for the most time I had ever gone for. But I didn't feel good so that's all that mattered. Well I ate breakfast and it was during our staff meeting in which 2 nurses who work with us in the OR but are also in the Air National Guard, spoke about their life in reserve and It was a great talk except for the pics of eyes(I am getting nauseous just talking about it) needless to say my stomach was still questionable. I went ahead and went to my OR room and we proceeded to have a good day and I was feeling ok, but.............. I was feeling really tired and the last time I went to the gym as tired as I was I had a horrible work out. So on the yellow tube of death (the shuttle from our parking lot to the hospital for those who don't know, its a big yellow school bus with scary drivers), I had talked myself out of going. Maybe I will just go home and take a nap before I go and maybe that will help but I also knew if I did I wouldn't go. Well with that being said I thought well if I go late then I will be up late because after I exercise like most people I have some energy. SO that was out! I'll just go home. But then I thought you know what, if I can't do it I'll just do what I can and go home at least I tried. So I got to the gym and sat in the parking lot hoping Dolvett would come out and drag my butt into the gym but then I thought I would never be able to make it thru a workout for him so that of course wasn't going to happen. So I posted on Facebook my dilemma of just sitting in my car at the gym trying to figure out if I could really have any energy to even walk into the gym. It seemed like immediately people were writing and me and encouraging me to just do it. So I got out of the car and headed in and because I was so tired I was super stiff and I am sure I looked like someone who was miserable and well like a fat girl going to the gym! LOL!!!
  I did go into the gym and I did actually do my entire circuit of weights and I actually upped each machine by 10 reps. The title of this post comes from a song I downloaded because I have a theme in my workout music about being strong and I had seen the song on a commercial. The song had the word stronger in it and it was song by Kelli Clarkson and when I downloaded the song I wasn't sure but the song says "what doesn't kill you makes your stronger, stand alittle taller, doesn't mean I am lonely when I'm alone, what doesn't kill you makes a fighter, footsteps even lighter...." Even though the song is about a relationship I really feel like it has become one of my theme songs. Believe me I have many and they all have to do with being stronger but today when I felt like I couldn't do it I turned that song on and actually played it a couple of times along with Matthew West Strong enough where he sings "I can do all things through Christ who give me strength".  I didn't make it to 40 minutes on the elliptical but I did make it to 34 and I had burned almost 400 calories!I know I should have been able to do those last 6 minutes but I really was afraid I might throw up, but I did do it!!
  Well that isn't the best part..... When I got back into the car I opened facebook, as I was trying to catch my breath, and then I saw all the posts from people who have already been so encouraging and I started to cry. It was really touching to see so many people really behind me and giving me the strength to just do the things I set my mind to but talk myself out of. I had the thought today that maybe this time next year all those people will be saying "look at all the weight you've lost.. remember the struggle you went thru!!" I really do hope that will be what's said!

A day of rest

So Wednesday's are a hard day for me to get to the gym because right after work I have to pick up Xavier, come home and cook dinner and then head to church, so I decide Wed. and Sunday's are days I dont' work out. I see now why it's easy for people to just give up because it feels nice to just relax and not be all sweaty and smelly and look horrible(well that part is about perspective). But I think as much as I would like to stay home tomorrow and cook meals or clean or even just chill and watch tv I realize that all those things got me to here where I am writing and talking about being fat.
 On a good note I will say that even though I am sooooooo tired when I get home from the gym I find I actually get things done that before I would leave until the weekend or when I had more time. It is kind of fascinating to me that even at my size I can workout like I have and then come home and cook and wash dishes and do all the things that before I just didn't feel like doing after 8 hours at work.
 I am excited that every morning I wake up and on the counter where Xavier has made his lunch is a list of the calories in his lunch! I have always worried about his self image but I am hoping that all this will help him make changes now that I didn't do when I was his age. Doing this for both of us has made such an impact on me and I hope and pray with him and everyone's support we will both be successful!!! Thanks again for all the support. We will see if I have the same perspective after the gym tomorrow. I am going to attempt 40 minutes on the elliptical after my weights. Pray that I can accomplish this small goal!

Flip the switch!!!

So since I started this whole thing a mere 17 days ago there have been alot of things that I have noticed and thought that I guess I never noticed or thought before. The first thought is people are genuine!! I think I have always thought that people say things but don't really mean them, and honestly including me!! Through this whole thing in 17 days I have felt so unbelievably supported as I have this time!! I do hope that people realize how important that is to me even if I dont' say so. I think this is something I have always thought I would do alone but I realize that it is the little things that people either write on my Facebook or here and things they say to me in person that are really helping me continue!
 I have, like every fat person, thought that at some point in my life this switch would flip in my head or stomach and I would just have a mindset to just do it and not have any worries. Guess what there is no switch!! There is nothing that will say to me exercise, eat right, take your time. There is not going to be some hot trainer coming to my house to whip me into shape and I am pretty sure I am never going to love exercising!!! But there has been something different this time than any other time before. I really want this!!
 Today when I got home I started thinking if I continue to lose 3 lbs a week which I hope I do I should be close to 100 lbs smaller by Christmas. In my mind I am not sure I can fathom that. The other thought is that I have a child who is prone to obesity because it is prevalent on both sides of his family and for some reason this time I feel like it is my responsibility to be a better example than I have ever been. I have let him down up until this point even though that may not be how he feels!!
 I was told I need to be more positive with myself and say positive things. I think doing this and saying what I feel is positive. I think being so easy on myself and thinking I don't look that bad for a fat girl and being positive throughout this has kept me at this weight for so long. So when you read this and I you think I am being negative remember that I am being positive in my own way for this to get to the point I need it to be. I don't have Dolvett here to yell at me so in a sense this is my version. But please please please continue to say things and write to me and respond to things. It really is helping in ways you have no idea, but I hope in the end you will be able to share in the ways you have helped!!!!!