How come.........??

How come? Every day I hear my self saying that to many different things. How come I can't be rich or at least be able to pay my bills? How come I keep watching American Idol even though I hate it!!?? How come I can't enjoy exercise? How come people can be so hurtful? I don't know the answer to alot of the questions I wonder about. I do know that one question I find myself asking is how come I let myself get to this point that I am having to make all these changes in my life and writing about it? What brought this writing on is during my trip to Pennsylvania I flew, which I love to do but having to ask the flight attendant for a seat belt extender is not one of favorite things to do. No matter how discreetly I try to ask it somehow becomes a big production. How come? I know I am not the first fat person to fly. I often wonder if they think that making it more humiliating will make me want to lose weight?  Normally I dont' mind flying short flights because I know I can pee before I get on the plane and be ok and not have to worry about using the bathroom on the plane. I also always pick a window seat so I know if someone ends up sitting with me I would have to crawl over them and that isn't easy to do. I don't pour over into the other seat when someone is sitting with me so I keep hoping that people will not mind so much sitting with me. On the last flight back they plane wasn't completely full and I had picked a row with just me in it, but I guess during the time I had picked my seat the plane started filling up. So just as we were to leave this man got on the plane, he was actually the last person on the plane and when he saw that the seat he was assigned was next to me he looked like the world had come to an end. He kept looking back and forth to see if there was another empty seat and fortunately for him and me there was an empty seat. He asked the flight attendant if he could sit the empty seat and she obliged. The funny thing to me is that he was a black guy and most of the time black guys don't mind being around me. I had not had that treatment in a very long time. I can actually say I have never had someone look at me that way. It was a first for me. I have always been heavy but never let it bother me and usually if someone says something or looks at me funny I make a comment and honestly I wanted to find this guy when we got off the plane and ask him if I totally grossed him out and why he felt so strongly about not sitting in the same aisle as my. I do have to be honest and say I have looked at people who were my size or bigger and thought things that I shouldn't have. How come?
 So now my question is how come I can't lose this weight quicker? I am doing all I can and the mere fact I got below 280 for the first time in at least 10 years has been a huge motivation and also a big scare. Now I am worried about gaining it back and also what if I can't lose more? All those things keep bringing me back to how come I let myself get here? I think I am on the right track but I am afraid that I will fail and I don't want to. I want this time more than any other time to be the time I do this. I don't care about the total in the end I just want to get to a healthier weight and be a better example as a mom.

I DID IT!!!!!!

I will write more later because I dont' have time right now but I wanted to write and let all those who have supported me through out my concern with getting past this wall that is set before me, that has made me worry and stress out well I got thru that barrier. I weighed in today and I am down 3lbs which puts my weight at 278!!!!!!!!!! NOT just below 280 but 2 lbs below 280. I haven't been able to ever do it in the last 10 years!!! Now onto the next level. I covet your prayers that I will continue to lose and that I will be able to reach my goal this year!!!

A weekend of worry....

This is going to be a shorter than usual post because for one I am exhausted and I will have more to write about this week. Everyone who knows me or looked at Facebook or even just read my blog knows that I went away this weekend to visit with friends I had not seen since high school which was over 25 years ago. It was alot of fun and I looked forward to it for so many reasons but I also looked at with some apprehensions. Being fat and going away has always had me focused on food. Not so much the calories or fat or healthy or unhealthy but where and when and how much I could get to. Whenever I go away I always look for places that aren't around here and feel like I need to overload on them because it will be a long time before I can get back there. So not so much this time. I did go with out thinking so much about it but since I started this adventure I kind of always have it in the back of my head. This time I was worried I wouldn't eat right and I would gain all my weight back, and not because my friends were encouraging me to eat poorly that was just the opposite. They were so supportive and in fact made recipes from skinnytaste. Well the long and the short of this is when I got home today. After a long day of flying and decisions and a great weekend I came home and went to church and weighed and I hadn't gained or lost a thing. I was hoping to be below 280 but knowing that I was tired and PMS'd and away I was happy with that. I have more to say but that was the most important today. I will write more tomorrow about this weekend and some things I struggled with but for now I feel grateful for friends who are supportive and that I was able to maintain. I am planning on losing at least 2lbs this week. I really need to get over this hurdle it is dragging me down too long.

Leg crossing....

I know that is a weird title to my post but it came to me tonight at church. I was noticing how most of the skinnier women in church all had their legs crossed. You know one knee over the other. This is something I have NEVER been able to do and have always thought I wanted too. They all do it with such ease and they look comfortable. I guess when you are skinny you don't think about things you can't do because of your size. You never hear of a skinny person breaking a chair or getting stuck in the airplane bathroom. As a fat girl those things are constantly going thru my mind. I watch the girls I work with crawl around on the ground and get down on their knees to do something in the OR and I think about how much my knees hurt when I get on the floor because I am putting so much weight on them. I can do it if I have something soft to kneel on and if there is something close by that I can use to get myself up off the floor. Then there is the being able to get out of a seat on an airplane or at a show or something and having to step over people and worrying about falling on them of honestly if you smell because of your fat. No matter how much you take care of things that's always a worry. Do skinny people have those worries? I look at skinny people and see the things they do with such ease that I have to try to figure out the easiest, least painful, least embarrassing way to do something. Am I the only one that thinks of these things. The crossing of the legs things is something that I am striving for. I know it is a weird thing to think about but it's one of those things that I have always wanted to do and be able to do it with ease.
  I am getting ready to go away for the weekend to spend time with friends I haven't seen in years but when we were together it was always laughter and fun and I am looking forward to catching up. I haven't and I am not really worrying about the eating situation. I am just looking forward to having some girl time. It was reassuring to have my friend Amy post on my facebook that they had checked out skinny taste for me and were prepared if need be. That means so much to me. It also means so much to me to have the support I do and please keep it coming because those words and feeling keep me going. I can't tell you how much it means to me. As I sit here crying because I wish I could express myself better when it comes to this but I do want you to know that your words often just give the push to not give in and to go to the gym and to continue to eat better than I have.
 This weekend is also my birthday and it is when I turn 42 and it really gives me a year to be fabulous at 42 so I hope it is something I can achieve. I think with the changes I have made and continue to make and with the support of everyone I can do this. I doubt it somedays but I really think I can do this. So keep me in your thoughts and prayers this weekend because it would be cool to come back and have lost some weight even though I wasn't home. Thanks again and I will post when I get back. Wish me luck!!!

Soooooooo Frustrating........!!!!!

This week has been one of ups and downs and I keep thinking maybe things will be on an upswing. I had felt pretty good all week. I had gone out to dinner with an old friend and had a great time. I didn't eat a ton of food and as much as I wanted to I didn't drink soda. I had been trying to find satisfaction in the smallest things. As the week went on I worked out as much as I could. I didn't have my usual work out partners every time so it was alittle more difficult to motivate myself but I did go. I wasn't able to go on Tuesday because I went out to dinner but I did go for at least 45 minutes on Wed. I even went the days that no one was with me. Friday Xavier and I went to the gym and on the way home I said to him "lets go to church and see how much I weigh and maybe that can give me a sign into where I am at and what I should change." I had felt good because even though I was tired I had gone to the gym. I had never done this before because I usually just wait until Sunday when we weigh in at church. So we get into the church and find the scale and I take my shoes and as much as I can off and get on the scale and it says I weigh 285.1 that is a 3lb gain. I was devastated. I had worked so hard and eaten nothing but Subway and salads and drink mostly water all week. I wasn't pms'd and I just couldn't figure it out. I knew it was evening and I knew it may be up but not by 3 lbs!! I almost lost it and I knew Xavier could sense how upset I was. I tried to pretend like it didn't bother me but he knew and I knew. I at that point just wanted to go eat anything and everything but I didn't. We did go to Moe's which I thought would be healthier than most places but it really isn't. That is one thing I learned this week and that is I am better at just cooking things myself no matter how tired I may be. While at Moe's I realize I really should watch what I am eating and I got something that was about 600 calories as opposed to the 1200 calorie thing I was thinking originally and I had worked out for over an hour so I figured it might work.
  Well it's Sunday and its time to weigh in. I am usually the last to weigh in just because I weigh in everyone first and see how things are going. It makes me kind of stressed but I want to cheer everyone and try to keep people motivated even though I am so worried that I won't lose. Today everyone weighed and it was my turn and I got on the scales to see I was only down 0.8 lbs. I am now down to 281.5 a little close to the wall but not quite there. My total weight loss is 18.8 lbs. I know I keep saying this but for smaller people that is a significant number but you weigh as much as I do it just doesn't seem to amount to much. We did measure today to and I don't have the numbers right with me but I did lose at least an inch or 2 in every area. I just wish I could see the difference in things I wear.
  I am kind of anxious because I am going away this weekend to see friends I haven't seen in a very long time and I know we are going to be in a place where I can eat everything I love but I so want to get past 280 lbs soon. I need to do it soon!! It is my birthday this week end too and I would love that to be the best present I could give to myself. I just hope I can do it!!!

What if's........

I haven't written this week because I am honestly afraid of a few things. First I am afraid people are going to stop reading because I am boring complaining about the things that are happening to me in the stupid weight loss thing. Secondly I am afraid if I talk about things that are really affecting me I am just going to sabotage myself. I know that people keep telling me that they are reading and following me and that they love it when I post but do they really? I think that people think I am not going to keep up with things which is most likely true, but I really don't want to give up. The thought did cross my mind this week. I really thought about giving up. I keep feeling like nothing is moving. I know I have lost 17.7 lbs. but it just seems like nothing and now after just a 0.3lbs last week I honestly am feeling defeated. I worked my butt off last week and that was what I had to show for it. I have taken the things into account that people have told me about how to switch things up and what works for them and I have tried to implement some of those things into my routine. I have changed up my workout.I have tried different things with food. I have tried to figure out what might not be the best things for me to eat and how to workout. I again this week have busted my butt in the gym but I have been so tired everyday and I don't understand it, and I am afraid it's not helping.
 I know people tell me not to worry about the number but I have to. I don't know how you can weigh what I weigh and not think about the numbers. I used to weigh myself everyday and I have gone from doing that to waiting until Sunday. I keep thinking maybe if I did weigh myself more often I wouldn't have the anxiety that I have come Sunday. I don't know that anxiety is the word to use but there is certainly a level of excitement and apprehension. These last 2 weeks have been even more of a worry for me.  I really would like to get past the number 280 but I realize that worrying about it and hoping it would happen may really be keeping me from getting there.
 I went out on Tues. to a Mexican restaurant and I was kind of disappointed that I wasted the calories I did on the food I had. I keep thinking that maybe I am eating too much or not enough,but I writing down everything I eat so I know some days I don't make it to my calories and some days I do. I haven't gone over but I have had days where I forget to completely enter my food but I remember what I ate and it's within my calories. There has to be something I can do to make this go along in the right direction. I feel like the best thing for me to do is just keep doing what I am doing instead of switching it up. I did keep telling myself last weekend that a loss is a loss but it's really hard to keep doing that. I really hope this week is going to be a good week for me. I really hope that all the work I am doing will eventually kick in and show results and most of all I really hope I don't give up. I come home everyday and think I don't want to work out or eat what is good for me but I do end up working out and eating what is right for me I am just afraid it's not enough. OH how I ramble about this but all these things go thru my head. I just wished thinking about it burned more fat and calories!!
 I again want to thank all those who continue to support me and I hope I can continue to get your support. I can feel so many people behind me and what I am trying to do. I just really hope I can continue to do it. I know with your support and encouragement that I can continue on. I just hope this week is a loss. Thanks again.

A loss none the less....

So I have been so worried about this 280 lb mark that I am pretty sure that I am sabotaging myself. I really wanted to lose 2 lbs this week because A. I would have been down 20lbs and B. I would be at my wall number of 280. I am not sure if me thinking about it all week has hindered me and made me stress out to the point that the weight stayed on no matter how hard I tried. I have had so much help and encouragment this week and it means so much to me. This week is going to be a killer for me. I am really putting the pedal to the metal. I still need the support! I know I can't do this without all of you out there helping me. I know I say I hate it when people tell me things about how I should eat or what I should do, but the fact of the matter is I need to hear it. It means so much that people are really into seeing me succeed. I just hope I can!! So I only lost 0.3lbs this week and I am alittle closer to my wall weight but I am really hoping I get past my wall. Thank you for all your help and please don't stop because I can't and won't but I really need you all to get thru this. I can't tell you how easy it would be to just give up but for some reason this time I know I can't.

Fear of fat!!

I hate to say if but tonight as I am getting ready for bed I am doing nothing but thinking about weighing in tomorrow. I have pretty much thought about it all day. I got up early and went to the gym but had a really hard time doing my workout. Thank goodness Alison was with me because I would have given up in no time at all. I don't know why it was so hard. I had a good nights sleep and I felt really motivated until I actually started going. My body is sore and it was just beginning to feel normal when I worked out again so I was kind of frustrated when today was so rough.
 Everyone (well not really everyone but a lot of people) keeps telling me to not worry about the number but when you are so heavy the number is really important. I wish that it was something that I didn't have to consider but honestly you can't just not check and see how much you weigh by the way your clothes fit. I tend to wear things alittle baggie anyways so I would be more upset if I just went by how my clothes fit. There is always this level of anxiety for anyone stepping on a scale. I can't say I won't be upset tomorrow if I don't lose some weight. I have lost 17.3 lbs as of last week and everyone who reads this knows that I am close to the number that always gives me a run for my money. I can also tell you that I would be ecstatic if my weight was 279.9. I know that is just 0.1lbs below 280 but it is a number I haven't seen in years and also the number that seems to be my wall. I am trying not to think to hard about it because I know that can also hinder me. Honestly though the emotions that you have when you have been up and down and you are heavier than you ever thought you could possibly be are overwhelming, especially when you know there is this number that constantly haunts you. I also started thinking today that the more I lose the more I am actually going to have work even harder because it is going to take more and more for me to lose weight. I so don't want to go back to giving up like I have before but there is part of me that is getting tired of being so conscious of what I eat and drink but there is another part of me that is looking forward to changing things. I see what a difference it has made in me and Xavier already I just hope I can continue.
 I have to be honest and say that the amount of support has been so great and it really helps me when people say they are following my blog and that they are hoping I do well. I have done this so many times in the past that I am afraid people are thinking that it's just Karen trying it again but she will give up soon and next year we will start this all over again. I honestly don't want that to be the case. I want to have people seeing me next year and say WOW you did it!! I hope I can do it and really show myself and my son that living healthier though not always fun is the best way to be.

Did you ever wonder.....?

I know, how weird to use that as a title to my blog tonight but I was thinking alot lately about what it would be like to be skinny. I know it's something that big girls and skinny girls all think about. I look at skinny girls and think " I wonder what it's like to have a flat stomach?" To be able to put on a pair of pants and tuck you shirt in instead of having to hide you flabby stomach. " I wonder what it's like to be able to walk into a section of a store or even just a store that has sizes under 20's and be able to put anything on and it look cute?" I am sure skinny girls often wonder about what it's like to be thinner but to never have known what it's like makes you wonder these things. I often wonder what it would be like to go to a resturaunt and not have to check out the booth first to make sure your going to fit or at least be able to get the table in between your rolls. I wonder what it would be like to get on an airplane and not have to ask for a seatbelt extender. I wonder what it's like to not have to worry about flying a long distance and having to get up and use the bathroom and not look like an idiot trying to get in or out of the bathroom. I wonder what it's like to go on amusement park rides. I haven't ridden a ride in years because I am too afraid the safety belts and harnesses wont fit me and I will have to get off the ride. I wonder why I just can't be skinnier.
 Alot of the time I wonder if I could be skinnier would I have had a man in my life. Would I have met someone and had more kids. I know that looking back on what could have been isn't a productive way of thinking. But when you get to be this far along in your life and your still alone it's really hard to not wonder those things.I guess now I have to find a way to focus on what can be. I know that there is a purpose for me being this way for so long. I know that God is going to use this adventure in some way for His glory. I still sing during my workout that " I can do all things thru Christ who gives me strength" and it helps me get thru that final stretch in my workout. I need all the strength I can get. It's only been 2 months since I started this and there are days I really feel like I am not going to be able to get to where I want to be and sometimes I just want to give up. I do have to say that the reason I have kept going is because of the people who have come up to me or have written me and encouraged me and those who are  praying for me and I know that it is really the power that has kept me on track. I really hope this week is a good weight loss because I am close to the number that has always been my wall, and I am actually scared of how I might react if I can't get there. I have almost made my goal of 10lbs a month but I am alittle off now. I want to really keep that in focus but I am afraid of looking at the scales on Sunday! I wonder how I am going to be if I hit that mark and just stay there. I don't want to have that happen again!!!!
  If anything I want to thank those people and please dont' feel like its getting old for me to hear, in fact it is just the opposite. Your support is a driving force for me!!! I will still wonder alot and always will but now I am hoping and praying and working to stop the wondering and have a realization of what is going to happen to me this year.