Fear of fat!!

I hate to say if but tonight as I am getting ready for bed I am doing nothing but thinking about weighing in tomorrow. I have pretty much thought about it all day. I got up early and went to the gym but had a really hard time doing my workout. Thank goodness Alison was with me because I would have given up in no time at all. I don't know why it was so hard. I had a good nights sleep and I felt really motivated until I actually started going. My body is sore and it was just beginning to feel normal when I worked out again so I was kind of frustrated when today was so rough.
 Everyone (well not really everyone but a lot of people) keeps telling me to not worry about the number but when you are so heavy the number is really important. I wish that it was something that I didn't have to consider but honestly you can't just not check and see how much you weigh by the way your clothes fit. I tend to wear things alittle baggie anyways so I would be more upset if I just went by how my clothes fit. There is always this level of anxiety for anyone stepping on a scale. I can't say I won't be upset tomorrow if I don't lose some weight. I have lost 17.3 lbs as of last week and everyone who reads this knows that I am close to the number that always gives me a run for my money. I can also tell you that I would be ecstatic if my weight was 279.9. I know that is just 0.1lbs below 280 but it is a number I haven't seen in years and also the number that seems to be my wall. I am trying not to think to hard about it because I know that can also hinder me. Honestly though the emotions that you have when you have been up and down and you are heavier than you ever thought you could possibly be are overwhelming, especially when you know there is this number that constantly haunts you. I also started thinking today that the more I lose the more I am actually going to have work even harder because it is going to take more and more for me to lose weight. I so don't want to go back to giving up like I have before but there is part of me that is getting tired of being so conscious of what I eat and drink but there is another part of me that is looking forward to changing things. I see what a difference it has made in me and Xavier already I just hope I can continue.
 I have to be honest and say that the amount of support has been so great and it really helps me when people say they are following my blog and that they are hoping I do well. I have done this so many times in the past that I am afraid people are thinking that it's just Karen trying it again but she will give up soon and next year we will start this all over again. I honestly don't want that to be the case. I want to have people seeing me next year and say WOW you did it!! I hope I can do it and really show myself and my son that living healthier though not always fun is the best way to be.