Did you ever wonder.....?

I know, how weird to use that as a title to my blog tonight but I was thinking alot lately about what it would be like to be skinny. I know it's something that big girls and skinny girls all think about. I look at skinny girls and think " I wonder what it's like to have a flat stomach?" To be able to put on a pair of pants and tuck you shirt in instead of having to hide you flabby stomach. " I wonder what it's like to be able to walk into a section of a store or even just a store that has sizes under 20's and be able to put anything on and it look cute?" I am sure skinny girls often wonder about what it's like to be thinner but to never have known what it's like makes you wonder these things. I often wonder what it would be like to go to a resturaunt and not have to check out the booth first to make sure your going to fit or at least be able to get the table in between your rolls. I wonder what it would be like to get on an airplane and not have to ask for a seatbelt extender. I wonder what it's like to not have to worry about flying a long distance and having to get up and use the bathroom and not look like an idiot trying to get in or out of the bathroom. I wonder what it's like to go on amusement park rides. I haven't ridden a ride in years because I am too afraid the safety belts and harnesses wont fit me and I will have to get off the ride. I wonder why I just can't be skinnier.
 Alot of the time I wonder if I could be skinnier would I have had a man in my life. Would I have met someone and had more kids. I know that looking back on what could have been isn't a productive way of thinking. But when you get to be this far along in your life and your still alone it's really hard to not wonder those things.I guess now I have to find a way to focus on what can be. I know that there is a purpose for me being this way for so long. I know that God is going to use this adventure in some way for His glory. I still sing during my workout that " I can do all things thru Christ who gives me strength" and it helps me get thru that final stretch in my workout. I need all the strength I can get. It's only been 2 months since I started this and there are days I really feel like I am not going to be able to get to where I want to be and sometimes I just want to give up. I do have to say that the reason I have kept going is because of the people who have come up to me or have written me and encouraged me and those who are  praying for me and I know that it is really the power that has kept me on track. I really hope this week is a good weight loss because I am close to the number that has always been my wall, and I am actually scared of how I might react if I can't get there. I have almost made my goal of 10lbs a month but I am alittle off now. I want to really keep that in focus but I am afraid of looking at the scales on Sunday! I wonder how I am going to be if I hit that mark and just stay there. I don't want to have that happen again!!!!
  If anything I want to thank those people and please dont' feel like its getting old for me to hear, in fact it is just the opposite. Your support is a driving force for me!!! I will still wonder alot and always will but now I am hoping and praying and working to stop the wondering and have a realization of what is going to happen to me this year.