Well it has been alittle bit since I have written because I have been sick. I am pretty sick of being sick right now. The colds I have gotten this year have really done a number on me. I was really hoping eating better and exercising was really going to help me be more healthy including not getting sick but obviously viruses have other ideas. With the cold coming to an end I have headed back to the gym with much reluctance. But this week has also brought on another issue for me. I lost 0.7lbs this week which brings me within 2.3 lbs of a number that has haunted me for several years. I get down to 280 and for some reason can never get past it. So when I am this close it scares me and I am afraid that I am never going to get past it. I know the word never is a big word and I shouldn't use it because this is a new trek for me. I am approaching it differently this time, but it doesn't mean I can't be worried about it. It has been a number that for years gives me this wall that I feel that I just can't knock down.
I was told today by a longtime friend that the reason I am single is because I have a defeatist attitude. I guess I really never thought of it that way. I dont' want this stupid number to defeat me but it has been such a block for several years. Chantal has been with me thru the tears of staying at that number for weeks and weeks no matter how hard I try. I have to admit I am trying harder this time more than ever. I am trying to make this number be my competition. I so badly want to get on the scale this week and see a number under 280. It could be 279.9 and I would be so unbelievably happy. It would also mean I have lost 20 lbs. I know when people say they have lost 20lbs it is something that can be seen on most people or you notice a difference in your clothes. I dont' have either one. I always say when you are this size 20lbs is a drop in the bucket. I will be happy with 20lbs don't get me wrong but I feel like it is taking so long but really I am kind of where I wanted to be. I have said 10lbs a month.
So I am trying to break down this wall of insecurity I have with this silly number. I just hope I can dig deep this week and lose that 2.3 or more pounds,
Picture the number you fear as a person, standing between you (and your son) and the healthy life you are working toward. You are so sick of its smug face! "All done, #@*%! number," you shout, as you spit in its face. The Number is shocked--it has never seen you so strong and determined! Then, it turns around... and runs away... NEVER to darken your life again. :-)
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