Where to now....?

Many of you know that this weeks weigh in was not a good one for me. It wasn't horrible but I had worked so hard all week and when I weighed in I had gained almost a half pound (not quite almost). I was excited that my friends all were doing well and I thought maybe it would be a good week for me. I had spent every day but Wed. and Sun. at the gym increasing my time on the elliptical and being refrained from doing so many days of weights but I did do them 3 days because it does help get me going. I really felt for the first time in a long time I had worked really hard and it was going to pay off. I usually wait until the end to weigh because I am weighing everyone else and then I can either rejoice with just Alison and myself or cry like I did on Sunday and like I am now. I have been so good with serving sizes and carbs and calories. I kept track of everything I ate. I made nothing but skinnytaste.com recipes or ate Subway or something really healthy. There is nothing like standing there waiting for those 0.00 to change to a weight that you are hoping is down from what you were the week before. People are always saying don't be a slave to the scale, don't let the numbers bother you, it's all in how you feel!! Well when you get on the scale and you say to yourself you aren't going to let the number bother you or affect you it's a lie. Everyone is like it's all in how you feel but honestly at this weight it's hard to feel good about yourself even after a good week and the scale goes up. If you have never been 300 lbs its easy to say those things. I am so honored and encouraged by what everyone is saying to me. I can't tell you how much it means to me. I am crying now as I am writing this because all of the people who have just continued to push me is amazing. I never thought I would have such a support. But with that being said I have to say that even when I read them and I am so touched the only thing I hear is how much I hate doing this and how much I am mad that I didnt' lose a thing last week. How I am now behind in my goal because of last week. Honestly I don't feel good!! My body hurts, I am tired and today being the first Monday of the month Planet Fitness has Papa Johns' pizza and I have been wanting pizza so bad, but the great thing about that is after and hour on the elliptical all I wanted to do was throw up from the smell. I actually also had this thought as I was passing thru the gym and all the skinny people are sitting there eating pizza was that they were sitting there looking at the one fat girl in the gym and thinking surely she is going to come have pizza. As I left the gym without taking pizza I wondered how many people that were sitting there ( there were alot of people sitting there eating) were surprised to see me walk out with out any pizza. That is what it is like in a big girls head all the time. I have lived my life thinking I don't care what those people are thinking but the reality is it cuts to the core of who you are.
 Today as I was hurting and struggling thru the hour of pain and agony I was thinking how cool it would be to walk in here in a year and have the people who work there everyday, including the moron trainer, see me as a smaller girl (100lbs at least). I have had that dream many times. I want to see people who have known me all my life as a big girl see me as a smaller girl, a healthier girl. But truth be told those dreams are strong until I get on the scale at 290lbs and the number goes up my dreams go out the window. I know this is one week but each day of this is a struggle and I wake up hurting everyday and I say to myself I am not sure I can do this anymore. I know I have to keep going but it would be really easy to give up. I also know I need to have all the advice and encouragement or I will give up. Thanks for all of it!!!