Losing momentum.......

Today was an interesting day. I had taken the day off as a death in family day and I spent some time (alot of time) thinking about my uncle. The funeral was yesterday and I spent this morning looking at pics my cousins had posted and just remembering how much I missed him and the fun we used to have when we would visit them. There were little things all day that made me think of him and my aunt and my cousins. So knowing I had the day off to do such things we had made plans to go to the gym earlier in the day (1130am). I don't usually get to go until after work(4pmish) I figured it would be a good break and I wouldn't sit home and cry. I honestly am surprised how much the death of my uncle has hit me. I think alot of it is thinking about my dad.
So we get to the gym and I just kept thinking I am just not into it. I don't know why. Thank goodness Alison, Rachelle and Emily were meeting me there because I am sure I would have stayed home and sulked all day. I am getting concerned because I feel like giving up!! I don't want to and I CAN'T but I just feel like I can't keep going like I am. I am sure some of it is the emotions I have had all week, but I am also famous for giving up. Alison said to me today that this is going to be a good week. I keep saying that every week and still feeling let down. I let myself down more than anything. I haven't been eating badly or not working out. Actually just the opposite but I feel like I am going no where. My body still hurts and I have such a hard time getting myself to the gym and instead of going longer and faster I find it harder to do the speed and distance I was doing last week. I really had to push myself today and I just didn't like it( I actually never do). I push myself everyday but today just seemed so exhausting. I don't want this to continue to happen. I keep thinking that at some point maybe I will start to like it, or all of a sudden my clothes will start to fall off because I have lost so much weight in one week. NOT HAPPENING!!!
 So how I do I keep myself going? How do I continue to go to the gym everyday? How do I not eat everything I want to eat? Since Jan.1st. I have been relatively good. How do I make that a lifelong goal to be as motivated today as I was 32 days ago? I dont' have it in me!!! I know that I have to make this a life long commitment for me and Xavier but it seems like it would be easier and cheaper to just go back to being fat!! NOT HAPPENING!!!
I don't know how I am going to do it. I do know that I can't do it myself. I can't let Xavier see me wanting to give in, he has come so far and is doing so well I don't want to hinder any progress for him. I want him to see that this battle we are facing is going to be worth it in the end. I think that is my problem. I can't see the end. I can't see what I may look like. I can't think about the way I will feel. All I can see is this big girl feeling helpless and in a lot of pain. Why am I fat???!!! I dont' even care about being "skinny" I just want to be healthy and I am feeling like that is so far out of reach.
The song I have listened to ALOT during my workouts has been a song by Matthew West called Strong Enough and even though the song wasn't written about me or weight loss it is a song that I find myself singing alot and listening to as I work out so I will push myself. The words of the song start out with "You must think I am strong to give me what I am going thru. Well forgive me, forgive me if I am wrong, but it looks like more than I can do on my own." Those words are how I feel all the time. I am not sure if the reason I am fat is because it is a battle I need to go thru or to prove to me that I need to rely on God for EVERYTHING!!! I know He isn't going to just let me lose 50 lbs in a week but the best part of the song comes in here when I start to think the way I have been today and if you are ever at the gym and you see me with a horrible look on my face and I am mouthing words theses are the words of the song that make me keep on with my work out and lifestyle change and it happens to be one of my favorite Bible verses and it says "I can do all things through Christ who give me strength and I dont' have to be strong enough" But today the verse that is just before this part of the song is what stood out to me and it says "Well maybe that's the point to reach the point of giving up, because when I finally reach rock bottom that's when I start looking up...." I have come to the point where I have come close to giving up but I have also had a talk with God saying I need your help. I think He wants to help me. I hope He does, because I did do the things I needed to do and I already have my gym clothes out for the gym tomorrow. I dont' want to go but I have to go. I can do ALL things!!!
 I knew this wasn't going to be easy but I thought it would get easier over time. I guess 30something days isn't long enough. LOL.!!! So with all that being said I am asking for your prayers your encouragement and what ever else the Lord lays on your heart for me. I have a goal of 100 lbs by Dec. 31 and I really hope I can sit here on that night and say to you and myself. "I DID IT" I am putting it in God's hand. I have no control.