Off the wagon!!!

Well it's been a while!!! I am really so bad at sticking with things!! Writing, eating right etc.....Honestly I feel like I haven't been so bad but I am creeping back up and I am so not wanting to. I need some re motivation. I want to do whats right and I still have several months before I am 43 but I just need to find that something in me to get me going back to the gym and cooking. I feel like I have been in this topsy turvy life lately. I am really not, it really hasn't changed I just keep finding excuses to some degree!! So I am hoping with starting back and trying to start writing again it will help me gain some focus.
 I feel like I have lost some excitement in weight loss because I keep hovering around the same weights. Yes weights. I lose 4 pounds then I gain 6 lbs then I lose 5 lbs and then 2 lbs and then gain 6 lbs. It is frustrating because I have been trying to get on track and going back to the gym and riding my new bike(which I love) but not like I should be. I am starting anew!! With that I need some renewed encouragement!! There are some people in my life right now who drag me down and make me so frustrated and lose focus of my goal and I need to get over that. It is a shame there are people who have to be in your life who can cause you to have so many emotions that everything in the kitchen and under the sun looks good. I am not usually an emotional eater but right now I feel like it!! I just need prayer and encouragement as I continue on this journey!! I need to do this for me and for Xavier and I am starting fresh.

OHHHH BOY!!

Well vacation has come and gone and I have been lazy in all areas of my life. I haven't been to the gym since just before vacation. I did however on vacation walk a million miles it seemed and I did water aerobics a couple of times and then when I couldn't make that I would get in the pool and run laps. I know that sounds kind of weird but the depth of the pool was about chest level and there was lots of resistance.With that all being said I came back and gained 1.8 pounds. I wasn't happy but I wasn't horribly upset that is until this week. This week I had a limited budget and limited things in the fridge but I tried to make things as low cal and low fat as possible, and I honestly thought I had done better with my food. The truth is I haven't been to the gym. As much as I hate to say I think it is a combination of both food and exercise, I am seeing that this is truly the case. So hopefully I can get myself back into eating right and exercising this week. Oh yeah I gained another 1.5 pounds which really sucks but it is just showing me I need to get back into the grove. The problem is I have no motivation. I am already dreading the thought of getting into my gym clothes and actually going to the gym. The thought really frustrates me. I can't decide what is more frustrating right now the weight I have gained or my lack of motivation to stay on track. Where can I go from here? It really would be so easy to give up but after our trip to Mexico I realize how much more I can do with the weight I have already lost and thinking about what I could do once I lose more is helpful but I still don't have the power behind it to make me do what needs to be done. Help!!!!!!!!!!!

Disappointment, and anxious about vacation

As everyone knows I am going to Mexico on Thursday. I am really excited but since you read this you know that my last post I was hoping to lose 30lbs by the time I left and I was going to be better about writing. Well neither happened. I haven't written anything since then and I actually gained 2 lbs the week I wrote about being better but then I lost them last week. So I am still 4lbs from 30. I know that sounds great but now I have to add my worry about going on my vacation.
 As a big girl I always looked forward to going on vacation because it was a great time to eat. I am the girl that literally didn't plan anything else other than where I was going to eat and when I could fit some extra food places in. Now as I get ready to go to Mexico I am not only thinking about what I can eat but what I shouldn't eat. I am excited but I am also scared. As a fat girl going back in the direction you worked so hard to get away from is devastating and as many times as I have done it I have never been this close to a weight that I haven't been at for many years! I want to go on this vacation without having to worry about anything but I realized this afternoon that this will always be a worry even if I reach my goal of 100lbs. I also know that I am not going to be perfect on this trip. But I think that things I have learned and the goals I have set will help me keep some perspective. I know my mom and hopefully Xavier will be an encouragement to me to try to stay in line. It is really kind of scary to think about the challenges I have to deal with on this trip. I am excited about being able to relax and get sun and have food and spending time with my mother and my son but in the back of my head is the number that is going to show on the scale when I get home.
 So with alittle excitement and apprehension I will say I will write when I get back about the trip and hopefully it will be a success with sun and good food choices!!! Wish me luck!!

Frustrated and ........

Well frustrated should be enough to describe where I am at! I have been working out pretty much 4-5 times a week and as things progress I increase my workout. Things were going along well and I have to my surprise continued to lose weight. I am now 274!! Exciting I know. I am 4 lbs away from 30 lost and yet I am ready to quit and give up!! I need a rejuvenation and it doesn't seem to be coming. I thought having the Biggest Loser contest going through out the summer would be so helpful and it has but I am really struggling to say positive. For the last 2 weeks going to the gym has been harder than usual. I feel defeated because I am so tired and I know that is contributing to my lack of enthusiasm (more than usual) about working out. I am just frustrated because up until the last couple of weeks I was working out 45 minutes to an hour and these last 2 weeks I barely make it 30 minutes and not at all close to the pace I was keeping. Yes I have increased my resistance but not enough to make me feel this way. I for some reason during the week can not sleep. I know it is because of stuff going on at work and I think subconciously I can't turn it off. I guess to get it out there my management at work has decided that a position I have been in for 4 years and that they asked me to take on and I LOVE I am no longer qualified to do because I am not an RN. I am only an LPN. An LPN with almost 15 years of nursing experience and 8 of those years in the OR and 4 of those primarily doing robotics. But because I wasn't able to finish my RN I am told I can't do the job anymore. SO I think to some degree that has been weighing on my mind. There is more to the story but that is really all that needs to be said. I am trying to handle this with grace and dignity but I am not always doing such a good job and I think it is somewhat interfering with my sleep. I dont normally sleep that well during the week but the last few weeks have been worse. I think that is why I can't work out like I have been in the past. This past Friday into Sat. I slept almost 9 hours and when I went to the gym I worked out for 50 minutes and kicked butt and found out I lost 2 lbs on Sunday even after going out with my great friends on Friday night and having nachos and wings and Mild duds at the movie!!! So it is true that rest can really affect your weight loss and stress affects rest!!
 Where do I go from here? I haven't written here because I have been struggling with so much in my life at work and personally and I really feel bad I haven't been better. After even just writting this I feel somewhat better and I am hoping I can find the strength to keep going. I have come so far!!! I have much further to go and I dont' want to give up even though I feel like I can't go on anymore!!
 I came across this verse in Psalms today and I realized it was for me this week. It is Psalms 73:26
 My flesh and my heart faileth:but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
My flesh and my heart certainly seem to fail me lately but I have to settle this with God and realize that despite my feeling that I can't go on, God knows I can.
I am going to keep pressing on and it is going to be hard and you may see me complain more or maybe once I get to the next milestone I will be revived. I do need your prayers and encouragement because I don't want to give up. Thanks for all the support and I will do my best to be here more. Thanks!!!

Isn't it funny......??

So today is Sunday and that means weigh in day!! This is what they call on the Biggest loser and I have said it here before the dreaded week 2. I titled this week Isn't it funny because I always think that no matter what I do it's going to be the worst. All week I had decided that every time I eat I had eaten too much or the wrong thing even though I knew what I was eating was what I should be eating but I had this fatty bloaty feeling!! I felt like every time I ate I ate too much or had that feeling that the one last bite I took was way too much. I know from many years of doing so that I really good at self sabotage. I knew that everything I had made to eat this week was portion controlled and with in the daily calorie intake that I have set up. I guess I have neglected to say how the weigh in went because what I am saying leads up to something my friend Alison said today in that we always expect the worse. I guess I am really guilty of that because all week I was sure I was going to be well over 280 which we all know is the number I hate. I hate all the numbers I have been at but 280 has always been a sore spot for me. So when I weighed in I was shocked to see I weighed 277. I had lost 3.4 lbs. I am now at the lowest weight I have been in 16 years. I know that isn't something to be commended but it is something that gives me hope. I am hoping I can lose 7 more pounds by the time we go to Mexico at the end of May.
 I had heard somewhere that there is no such things as will power and there is part of me that believes that. I know that I have a will and how I chose to use it gives me the power. I think it's funny that in the past I had chosen to use my lack of  "will power" as an excuse for being so over weight when the truth of the matter is I just hadn't chosen to use the power of my will to make the right choices consistently. I think that I let my mind control so much of these things that it affects my body. I know when I am working out the power of my will is controlled to the point that I feel I can't go on. I work out for 45minutes to an hour most days but sometimes just 20 minutes into it I feel like I am never going to make it. Again I know Biggest Loser is not a good way to gauge things but I keep thinking about how they work out 6-8 hours a day and it is never enough. I have always thought I was I would like to be on the show but I just know I would want to give up and I would be that person crying and saying I couldn't do it because now even after just an hour of working out I feel dead and I can't believe I have done it. Instead of feeling happy that I have done it I just keep thinking about what I haven't done and what I could do and should be doing. SELF SABOTAGE!!! I know I can lose the weight and I can do what I can do and what needs to be done but because I let my mind win I feel like it is never enough when I have to believe it is going to be enough.
 So 7 pounds by May 30th I know is doable!! I just know I have to really put the pedal to the medal now! If I can do that it will put me at a 30 lb weight loss. I know I can do it but I definitely need your prayers and support. I appreciate so much all that I have received from everyone. It is so cool to see how much people are really hoping I succeed and that means so much to me. So I will keep you up to date and I promise I am going to try to be better about posting on my blog. I keep saying every night I should post but then I just decide to go to sleep. Although they say you need 8 hours sleep to lose weight so I am trying to get as much as I can. SO keep up the prayers and support and I hope I have good news next week. Thanks again!!

about 40 days.....

The cool thing about 40 days is that it is a month away and that gives me time. You may ask for what and the fact is my mom is taking me and Xavier to Mexico!! I am very excited to get away and relax!! This has been a few stressful weeks for me for different reasons. I dont' really need to get into it because there are other friends and family who are going thru things much worse than what I am experiencing and I don't want to complain. SO I won't!! I will say I am hoping that maybe the stress will not store fat but get rid of it!! I am so excited to be going away to relax, My mom asked me today if I was going to exercise on our vacation and I had to think about it. Isn't that funny. I had actually already thought about what workout wear I was going to bring and how I was going to fit my sneakers into my suitcase. In the past I would look at a vacation as a time to just be free of not worrying about exercise or what I eat. I have to honestly say I am kind of worried about the whole food thing. I know on this trip I will be thinking of the fact that I want to take many more vacations and to feel free and good about how I feel and look.
 As you know we are starting the Biggest Loser summer edition at church and I feel like I want to take it serious because the summer is going to be an easier time I think to do things and keep motivated but honestly the first thing I associate with summer is food!! It is when food seems to taste so good.Grilling, fruit, fresh veggies,and so much more. Fortunately most summer food CAN be good for you but I also find that in my frame of mind that because it is "good" for you I can eat as much as I want!! I think that was what I was doing with Subway. I had said in my last post that I was only going to get 6inch subs from now on. Well I went to Subway Monday night and guess what it was nice out and I hadn't eaten since 11am and it was 730 so I got a foot long. The funny thing is my friend Alison's daughter works there and she had read my blog and she tried to say "hey you said....." and I was like i know but.... and I still got it and ate it and I felt like poo after not because it was really bad for me but because I had gone back on one of the things I had promised myself. Thanks Emily for trying to keep me honest and on track!! So tonight Xavier had drivers ed until 8 and my mom and I had gone shopping and had a lovely time (I think), but we both hated most things we tried on because we are both at weights where we want things to look good but nothing looks great! We got some stuff but I wish she had found more. My mom has lost a ton of weight since last winter and I am so proud of her. I hope that some day soon we can both get into much smaller sizes when we go shopping. I can tell my mom is starting to feel somewhat better. I just want her to be able to do more things and I want to be able to do more too.
 I know I am kind of rambling but today I was leaving work and I saw this really heavy woman walking in to the hospital carrying all kinds of McDonalds food and drinks. She could hardly breath and I wanted to stop her and tell her she would feel so much better if she didn't eat it!! I know being a fat girl no one really wants to hear that from someone. It really does have to come from with in you!! I have noticed that so much more this time than any other time in my dieting career. I say career because it really becomes a job. If it was really my job I would have been fired a long time ago. I am thinking my work ethic in this whole dieting thing has gotten better, but I am still working my way up the ladder. I have had Mcd's but not like I used to and I still am very conscientious about what I eat. I have learned that I can still have things and be careful but not over do it! I think that's one of the biggest lessons I have not only learned but have tried to live by and that is I don't have to deprive myself but I have to think before I eat!! I hope people are still reading and still understand how much their support means to me!! I hope I have some good results in the next few weeks that I can share with everyone.

Here we go again

So the summer edition of Biggest loser started today at church and well when I weighed in I was back up to 280! At first I was kind of mad but then I realized. I am at 280 NOT 300!!! 20 lbs less than I was at the beginning of this year and at the spot I have always given up on!! This time I am excited because there is no way I can really head back up to the direction I once was.
 It seemed like calorie counting and fat counting worked to some degree but I think I really need to change things up alittle. I really wasn't eating alot of carbs before so I really need to find where I was eating them and cut some of them out. I think the only time I had bread was on subway night and I can honestly say I am going to only do 6 inches and not the footlongs like I was. I know it seems like a lot but the calories fell with in my limits. But I know that is one thing I need to work on. I have cut down alot on portions but I am going to try to be more conscience of the right portions.
 I also am excited about writing more. I have been so blessed by everyone's response to my writing and my struggles and success's. I want you to all know I haven't given up because this is going to be a lifelong adventure but I am happy to have you here to share in the highs and lows with me. Please feel free to leave any and all comments to me!! And I look forward to sharing more with you!! Hopefully all good news!!!

Ready..... get set...... WAAIIIITTT!!!!!

So a couple of things... I was scolded the other day because I hadn't written in a while and I had promised I would write again. So here I am . The Biggest Loser contest at church is over but only for a couple of weeks as everyone enjoyed doing it so much they decided to we should do it through the summer. So unfortunately for some of you who have been my biggest cheerleaders I am going to need you for alittle longer. I actually will probably love to have you around for the rest of my life but I know that is asking too much. We only really have one week off but I am not looking at it as being off. I have been going to the gym and I haven't honestly been watching what I eat as much but I do have to say the last 3 months have changed my choices alot! Today Xavier and I both had the day off and we spent it outside because the weather was nice and we had errands to run and I normally would have grabbed a diet coke and I really actually wanted one, but I honestly tried to remember what it tasted like and I couldn't remember so I decided not to get one. It seemed so weird for me to actually keep with something I had kind of promised myself. Maybe this time is really a big change for me. So with the Biggest loser being done I ended it with a 21 lb weight loss and I lost a total of 9 inches. I have tried to look at as I didn't lose ONLY 20 lbs but that I lost 20 lbs in 3 months and that if I keep doing it I will lose 20lbs in the next 3 months and so on that by my birthday next year I will have lost almost 100 lbs. I think I can do it. At least I hope I can!!
 I titled this ready set wait because I feel like I am on a path but I keep getting set backs sometimes. Everyone knows how much I dislike exercise. I have never kept that hidden it is certainly something I am sure everyone knows. I know that I have a lot of weight to move around and I am sure it will get easier at some point when I have lost a good amount but I keep feeling like I should be feeling alot different. I have been going to the gym pretty much everyday but maybe 2 days a week and I keep thinking it will get easier to breath and keep going. I have gradually moved up from working out 15 minutes to being on the machines for an hour. I have been doing it for an hour for the last month and I just find myself still struggling to get through.It is like one day I do it and I don't have a problem but then there are nights( like tonight) when I just get on a machine and I am starting and things are going ok and then all of a sudden I have a hard time breathing and my legs hurt and in my head and  my body I am screaming I can't do this!! I can't keep going!! It is too much for me!! It was so bad tonight that I had to text my friend Alison because I really just wanted to give up. Thank goodness she was available because I really would have gotten off the ARC trainer (machine of death as I so affectionately call it). I really truly felt like I couldn't go on. But because she is one of my cheerleaders she kept texting me that I could keep going and I could do it. When I finished I knew that the only thing that got me through was God (because I was praying alot too) and Alison. I have come to realize that I need the support everyone has given me and I need it to continue.
 So if you are reading this and you have been one of those people who cheered me on please know that I am truly grateful!! I need it!! As much as I try to make myself come across as a strong person, i know that I really need to hear from everyone. Now it is on to Biggest Loser Summer edition. If you have it in you please continue to write me and email and whatever it takes because I need you and I thank you for all you have done for me so far!!! I am hoping it gets easier and that I continue to see results. So if you are reading this and you thought since biggest loser was over that I would stop writing... well I guess you are incorrect I guess I will be writing this for some time and I am hoping to be better about writing. I will try to write a couple of times a week. I look forward to sharing with you the rest of my journey and I covet your prayers!!!!

How come.........??

How come? Every day I hear my self saying that to many different things. How come I can't be rich or at least be able to pay my bills? How come I keep watching American Idol even though I hate it!!?? How come I can't enjoy exercise? How come people can be so hurtful? I don't know the answer to alot of the questions I wonder about. I do know that one question I find myself asking is how come I let myself get to this point that I am having to make all these changes in my life and writing about it? What brought this writing on is during my trip to Pennsylvania I flew, which I love to do but having to ask the flight attendant for a seat belt extender is not one of favorite things to do. No matter how discreetly I try to ask it somehow becomes a big production. How come? I know I am not the first fat person to fly. I often wonder if they think that making it more humiliating will make me want to lose weight?  Normally I dont' mind flying short flights because I know I can pee before I get on the plane and be ok and not have to worry about using the bathroom on the plane. I also always pick a window seat so I know if someone ends up sitting with me I would have to crawl over them and that isn't easy to do. I don't pour over into the other seat when someone is sitting with me so I keep hoping that people will not mind so much sitting with me. On the last flight back they plane wasn't completely full and I had picked a row with just me in it, but I guess during the time I had picked my seat the plane started filling up. So just as we were to leave this man got on the plane, he was actually the last person on the plane and when he saw that the seat he was assigned was next to me he looked like the world had come to an end. He kept looking back and forth to see if there was another empty seat and fortunately for him and me there was an empty seat. He asked the flight attendant if he could sit the empty seat and she obliged. The funny thing to me is that he was a black guy and most of the time black guys don't mind being around me. I had not had that treatment in a very long time. I can actually say I have never had someone look at me that way. It was a first for me. I have always been heavy but never let it bother me and usually if someone says something or looks at me funny I make a comment and honestly I wanted to find this guy when we got off the plane and ask him if I totally grossed him out and why he felt so strongly about not sitting in the same aisle as my. I do have to be honest and say I have looked at people who were my size or bigger and thought things that I shouldn't have. How come?
 So now my question is how come I can't lose this weight quicker? I am doing all I can and the mere fact I got below 280 for the first time in at least 10 years has been a huge motivation and also a big scare. Now I am worried about gaining it back and also what if I can't lose more? All those things keep bringing me back to how come I let myself get here? I think I am on the right track but I am afraid that I will fail and I don't want to. I want this time more than any other time to be the time I do this. I don't care about the total in the end I just want to get to a healthier weight and be a better example as a mom.

I DID IT!!!!!!

I will write more later because I dont' have time right now but I wanted to write and let all those who have supported me through out my concern with getting past this wall that is set before me, that has made me worry and stress out well I got thru that barrier. I weighed in today and I am down 3lbs which puts my weight at 278!!!!!!!!!! NOT just below 280 but 2 lbs below 280. I haven't been able to ever do it in the last 10 years!!! Now onto the next level. I covet your prayers that I will continue to lose and that I will be able to reach my goal this year!!!

A weekend of worry....

This is going to be a shorter than usual post because for one I am exhausted and I will have more to write about this week. Everyone who knows me or looked at Facebook or even just read my blog knows that I went away this weekend to visit with friends I had not seen since high school which was over 25 years ago. It was alot of fun and I looked forward to it for so many reasons but I also looked at with some apprehensions. Being fat and going away has always had me focused on food. Not so much the calories or fat or healthy or unhealthy but where and when and how much I could get to. Whenever I go away I always look for places that aren't around here and feel like I need to overload on them because it will be a long time before I can get back there. So not so much this time. I did go with out thinking so much about it but since I started this adventure I kind of always have it in the back of my head. This time I was worried I wouldn't eat right and I would gain all my weight back, and not because my friends were encouraging me to eat poorly that was just the opposite. They were so supportive and in fact made recipes from skinnytaste. Well the long and the short of this is when I got home today. After a long day of flying and decisions and a great weekend I came home and went to church and weighed and I hadn't gained or lost a thing. I was hoping to be below 280 but knowing that I was tired and PMS'd and away I was happy with that. I have more to say but that was the most important today. I will write more tomorrow about this weekend and some things I struggled with but for now I feel grateful for friends who are supportive and that I was able to maintain. I am planning on losing at least 2lbs this week. I really need to get over this hurdle it is dragging me down too long.

Leg crossing....

I know that is a weird title to my post but it came to me tonight at church. I was noticing how most of the skinnier women in church all had their legs crossed. You know one knee over the other. This is something I have NEVER been able to do and have always thought I wanted too. They all do it with such ease and they look comfortable. I guess when you are skinny you don't think about things you can't do because of your size. You never hear of a skinny person breaking a chair or getting stuck in the airplane bathroom. As a fat girl those things are constantly going thru my mind. I watch the girls I work with crawl around on the ground and get down on their knees to do something in the OR and I think about how much my knees hurt when I get on the floor because I am putting so much weight on them. I can do it if I have something soft to kneel on and if there is something close by that I can use to get myself up off the floor. Then there is the being able to get out of a seat on an airplane or at a show or something and having to step over people and worrying about falling on them of honestly if you smell because of your fat. No matter how much you take care of things that's always a worry. Do skinny people have those worries? I look at skinny people and see the things they do with such ease that I have to try to figure out the easiest, least painful, least embarrassing way to do something. Am I the only one that thinks of these things. The crossing of the legs things is something that I am striving for. I know it is a weird thing to think about but it's one of those things that I have always wanted to do and be able to do it with ease.
  I am getting ready to go away for the weekend to spend time with friends I haven't seen in years but when we were together it was always laughter and fun and I am looking forward to catching up. I haven't and I am not really worrying about the eating situation. I am just looking forward to having some girl time. It was reassuring to have my friend Amy post on my facebook that they had checked out skinny taste for me and were prepared if need be. That means so much to me. It also means so much to me to have the support I do and please keep it coming because those words and feeling keep me going. I can't tell you how much it means to me. As I sit here crying because I wish I could express myself better when it comes to this but I do want you to know that your words often just give the push to not give in and to go to the gym and to continue to eat better than I have.
 This weekend is also my birthday and it is when I turn 42 and it really gives me a year to be fabulous at 42 so I hope it is something I can achieve. I think with the changes I have made and continue to make and with the support of everyone I can do this. I doubt it somedays but I really think I can do this. So keep me in your thoughts and prayers this weekend because it would be cool to come back and have lost some weight even though I wasn't home. Thanks again and I will post when I get back. Wish me luck!!!

Soooooooo Frustrating........!!!!!

This week has been one of ups and downs and I keep thinking maybe things will be on an upswing. I had felt pretty good all week. I had gone out to dinner with an old friend and had a great time. I didn't eat a ton of food and as much as I wanted to I didn't drink soda. I had been trying to find satisfaction in the smallest things. As the week went on I worked out as much as I could. I didn't have my usual work out partners every time so it was alittle more difficult to motivate myself but I did go. I wasn't able to go on Tuesday because I went out to dinner but I did go for at least 45 minutes on Wed. I even went the days that no one was with me. Friday Xavier and I went to the gym and on the way home I said to him "lets go to church and see how much I weigh and maybe that can give me a sign into where I am at and what I should change." I had felt good because even though I was tired I had gone to the gym. I had never done this before because I usually just wait until Sunday when we weigh in at church. So we get into the church and find the scale and I take my shoes and as much as I can off and get on the scale and it says I weigh 285.1 that is a 3lb gain. I was devastated. I had worked so hard and eaten nothing but Subway and salads and drink mostly water all week. I wasn't pms'd and I just couldn't figure it out. I knew it was evening and I knew it may be up but not by 3 lbs!! I almost lost it and I knew Xavier could sense how upset I was. I tried to pretend like it didn't bother me but he knew and I knew. I at that point just wanted to go eat anything and everything but I didn't. We did go to Moe's which I thought would be healthier than most places but it really isn't. That is one thing I learned this week and that is I am better at just cooking things myself no matter how tired I may be. While at Moe's I realize I really should watch what I am eating and I got something that was about 600 calories as opposed to the 1200 calorie thing I was thinking originally and I had worked out for over an hour so I figured it might work.
  Well it's Sunday and its time to weigh in. I am usually the last to weigh in just because I weigh in everyone first and see how things are going. It makes me kind of stressed but I want to cheer everyone and try to keep people motivated even though I am so worried that I won't lose. Today everyone weighed and it was my turn and I got on the scales to see I was only down 0.8 lbs. I am now down to 281.5 a little close to the wall but not quite there. My total weight loss is 18.8 lbs. I know I keep saying this but for smaller people that is a significant number but you weigh as much as I do it just doesn't seem to amount to much. We did measure today to and I don't have the numbers right with me but I did lose at least an inch or 2 in every area. I just wish I could see the difference in things I wear.
  I am kind of anxious because I am going away this weekend to see friends I haven't seen in a very long time and I know we are going to be in a place where I can eat everything I love but I so want to get past 280 lbs soon. I need to do it soon!! It is my birthday this week end too and I would love that to be the best present I could give to myself. I just hope I can do it!!!

What if's........

I haven't written this week because I am honestly afraid of a few things. First I am afraid people are going to stop reading because I am boring complaining about the things that are happening to me in the stupid weight loss thing. Secondly I am afraid if I talk about things that are really affecting me I am just going to sabotage myself. I know that people keep telling me that they are reading and following me and that they love it when I post but do they really? I think that people think I am not going to keep up with things which is most likely true, but I really don't want to give up. The thought did cross my mind this week. I really thought about giving up. I keep feeling like nothing is moving. I know I have lost 17.7 lbs. but it just seems like nothing and now after just a 0.3lbs last week I honestly am feeling defeated. I worked my butt off last week and that was what I had to show for it. I have taken the things into account that people have told me about how to switch things up and what works for them and I have tried to implement some of those things into my routine. I have changed up my workout.I have tried different things with food. I have tried to figure out what might not be the best things for me to eat and how to workout. I again this week have busted my butt in the gym but I have been so tired everyday and I don't understand it, and I am afraid it's not helping.
 I know people tell me not to worry about the number but I have to. I don't know how you can weigh what I weigh and not think about the numbers. I used to weigh myself everyday and I have gone from doing that to waiting until Sunday. I keep thinking maybe if I did weigh myself more often I wouldn't have the anxiety that I have come Sunday. I don't know that anxiety is the word to use but there is certainly a level of excitement and apprehension. These last 2 weeks have been even more of a worry for me.  I really would like to get past the number 280 but I realize that worrying about it and hoping it would happen may really be keeping me from getting there.
 I went out on Tues. to a Mexican restaurant and I was kind of disappointed that I wasted the calories I did on the food I had. I keep thinking that maybe I am eating too much or not enough,but I writing down everything I eat so I know some days I don't make it to my calories and some days I do. I haven't gone over but I have had days where I forget to completely enter my food but I remember what I ate and it's within my calories. There has to be something I can do to make this go along in the right direction. I feel like the best thing for me to do is just keep doing what I am doing instead of switching it up. I did keep telling myself last weekend that a loss is a loss but it's really hard to keep doing that. I really hope this week is going to be a good week for me. I really hope that all the work I am doing will eventually kick in and show results and most of all I really hope I don't give up. I come home everyday and think I don't want to work out or eat what is good for me but I do end up working out and eating what is right for me I am just afraid it's not enough. OH how I ramble about this but all these things go thru my head. I just wished thinking about it burned more fat and calories!!
 I again want to thank all those who continue to support me and I hope I can continue to get your support. I can feel so many people behind me and what I am trying to do. I just really hope I can continue to do it. I know with your support and encouragement that I can continue on. I just hope this week is a loss. Thanks again.

A loss none the less....

So I have been so worried about this 280 lb mark that I am pretty sure that I am sabotaging myself. I really wanted to lose 2 lbs this week because A. I would have been down 20lbs and B. I would be at my wall number of 280. I am not sure if me thinking about it all week has hindered me and made me stress out to the point that the weight stayed on no matter how hard I tried. I have had so much help and encouragment this week and it means so much to me. This week is going to be a killer for me. I am really putting the pedal to the metal. I still need the support! I know I can't do this without all of you out there helping me. I know I say I hate it when people tell me things about how I should eat or what I should do, but the fact of the matter is I need to hear it. It means so much that people are really into seeing me succeed. I just hope I can!! So I only lost 0.3lbs this week and I am alittle closer to my wall weight but I am really hoping I get past my wall. Thank you for all your help and please don't stop because I can't and won't but I really need you all to get thru this. I can't tell you how easy it would be to just give up but for some reason this time I know I can't.

Fear of fat!!

I hate to say if but tonight as I am getting ready for bed I am doing nothing but thinking about weighing in tomorrow. I have pretty much thought about it all day. I got up early and went to the gym but had a really hard time doing my workout. Thank goodness Alison was with me because I would have given up in no time at all. I don't know why it was so hard. I had a good nights sleep and I felt really motivated until I actually started going. My body is sore and it was just beginning to feel normal when I worked out again so I was kind of frustrated when today was so rough.
 Everyone (well not really everyone but a lot of people) keeps telling me to not worry about the number but when you are so heavy the number is really important. I wish that it was something that I didn't have to consider but honestly you can't just not check and see how much you weigh by the way your clothes fit. I tend to wear things alittle baggie anyways so I would be more upset if I just went by how my clothes fit. There is always this level of anxiety for anyone stepping on a scale. I can't say I won't be upset tomorrow if I don't lose some weight. I have lost 17.3 lbs as of last week and everyone who reads this knows that I am close to the number that always gives me a run for my money. I can also tell you that I would be ecstatic if my weight was 279.9. I know that is just 0.1lbs below 280 but it is a number I haven't seen in years and also the number that seems to be my wall. I am trying not to think to hard about it because I know that can also hinder me. Honestly though the emotions that you have when you have been up and down and you are heavier than you ever thought you could possibly be are overwhelming, especially when you know there is this number that constantly haunts you. I also started thinking today that the more I lose the more I am actually going to have work even harder because it is going to take more and more for me to lose weight. I so don't want to go back to giving up like I have before but there is part of me that is getting tired of being so conscious of what I eat and drink but there is another part of me that is looking forward to changing things. I see what a difference it has made in me and Xavier already I just hope I can continue.
 I have to be honest and say that the amount of support has been so great and it really helps me when people say they are following my blog and that they are hoping I do well. I have done this so many times in the past that I am afraid people are thinking that it's just Karen trying it again but she will give up soon and next year we will start this all over again. I honestly don't want that to be the case. I want to have people seeing me next year and say WOW you did it!! I hope I can do it and really show myself and my son that living healthier though not always fun is the best way to be.

Did you ever wonder.....?

I know, how weird to use that as a title to my blog tonight but I was thinking alot lately about what it would be like to be skinny. I know it's something that big girls and skinny girls all think about. I look at skinny girls and think " I wonder what it's like to have a flat stomach?" To be able to put on a pair of pants and tuck you shirt in instead of having to hide you flabby stomach. " I wonder what it's like to be able to walk into a section of a store or even just a store that has sizes under 20's and be able to put anything on and it look cute?" I am sure skinny girls often wonder about what it's like to be thinner but to never have known what it's like makes you wonder these things. I often wonder what it would be like to go to a resturaunt and not have to check out the booth first to make sure your going to fit or at least be able to get the table in between your rolls. I wonder what it would be like to get on an airplane and not have to ask for a seatbelt extender. I wonder what it's like to not have to worry about flying a long distance and having to get up and use the bathroom and not look like an idiot trying to get in or out of the bathroom. I wonder what it's like to go on amusement park rides. I haven't ridden a ride in years because I am too afraid the safety belts and harnesses wont fit me and I will have to get off the ride. I wonder why I just can't be skinnier.
 Alot of the time I wonder if I could be skinnier would I have had a man in my life. Would I have met someone and had more kids. I know that looking back on what could have been isn't a productive way of thinking. But when you get to be this far along in your life and your still alone it's really hard to not wonder those things.I guess now I have to find a way to focus on what can be. I know that there is a purpose for me being this way for so long. I know that God is going to use this adventure in some way for His glory. I still sing during my workout that " I can do all things thru Christ who gives me strength" and it helps me get thru that final stretch in my workout. I need all the strength I can get. It's only been 2 months since I started this and there are days I really feel like I am not going to be able to get to where I want to be and sometimes I just want to give up. I do have to say that the reason I have kept going is because of the people who have come up to me or have written me and encouraged me and those who are  praying for me and I know that it is really the power that has kept me on track. I really hope this week is a good weight loss because I am close to the number that has always been my wall, and I am actually scared of how I might react if I can't get there. I have almost made my goal of 10lbs a month but I am alittle off now. I want to really keep that in focus but I am afraid of looking at the scales on Sunday! I wonder how I am going to be if I hit that mark and just stay there. I don't want to have that happen again!!!!
  If anything I want to thank those people and please dont' feel like its getting old for me to hear, in fact it is just the opposite. Your support is a driving force for me!!! I will still wonder alot and always will but now I am hoping and praying and working to stop the wondering and have a realization of what is going to happen to me this year.

OH NO HERE IT COMES!!!!!!!

Well it has been alittle bit since I have written because I have been sick. I am pretty sick of being sick right now. The colds I have gotten this year have really done a number on me. I was really hoping eating better and exercising was really going to help me be more healthy including not getting sick but obviously viruses have other ideas. With the cold coming to an end I have headed back to the gym with much reluctance. But this week has also brought on another issue for me. I lost 0.7lbs this week which brings me within 2.3 lbs of a number that has haunted me for several years. I get down to 280 and for some reason can never get past it. So when I am this close it scares me and I am afraid that I am never going to get past it. I know the word never is a big word and I shouldn't use it because this is a new trek for me. I am approaching it differently this time, but it doesn't mean I can't be worried about it. It has been a number that for years gives me this wall that I feel that I just can't knock down.
  I was told today by a longtime friend that the reason I am single is because I have a defeatist attitude. I guess I really never thought of it that way. I dont' want this stupid number to defeat me but it has been such a block for several years. Chantal has been with me thru the tears of staying at that number for weeks and weeks no matter how hard I try. I have to admit I am trying harder this time more than ever. I am trying to make this number be my competition. I so badly want to get on the scale this week and see a number under 280. It could be 279.9 and I would be so unbelievably happy. It would also mean I have lost 20 lbs. I know when people say they have lost 20lbs it is something that can be seen on most people or you notice a difference in your clothes. I dont' have either one. I always say when you are this size 20lbs is a drop in the bucket. I will be happy with 20lbs don't get me wrong but I feel like it is taking so long but really I am kind of where I wanted to be. I have said 10lbs a month.
 So I am trying to break down this wall of insecurity I have with this silly number. I just hope I can dig deep this week and lose that 2.3 or more pounds,

This is getting tougher!!!

I haven't written in a while because I have been sick. Anyone who knows me knows that this cold was like a truck hitting me. With the sickness I haven't been able to go to the gym and I am honestly kind of scared. I haven't been in a week and I am afraid because it has been so easy to not go that I will just not go again ever. We all have patterns and mine is to kind of start giving up when it seems easier to just give up than to keep trying. The other thing is my fridge isn't working well so I had to turn it off so the repair guy can look at it to see if it can be fixed. (more money). So tonight instead of cooking because I would have to go thru coolers of food, we went to the mall. Xavier needed new shoes for school so it was a good excuse. So the mall has all kind of draws for me of which shopping isn't one of those things, its actually the food and soda. Whenever I go to the mall I would get a Diet Coke from Mcd's and the I would have Taco Bell and when we left I would get a pretzel. So now when I go to the mall it is really hard to not think about those things. We did do Taco Bell and it is nice that they have the calorie content so I actually didn't do so bad at that. Then because they serve soda I had to try to find something that wasn't soda and didn't have a million calories. I have learned that alot of "diet" drinks have more than 100 calories and that's such a waste of good calories. I could have another taco for that and alittle more, LOL. Honestly it was hard to walk past Mcd's and not get a Diet Coke. There was a part of me that wondered if I would still like it or if it would really be such a bad thing for me to get one. Truthfully it wouldn't be a "bad" thing but it would be me giving up on  a goal. I found some diet Snapple tea and I actually enjoyed it with my tacos.We did our shopping that we needed and when it was time to go the thought to get a pretzel went through my head. It really is funny the things that I associate with different places. Anytime we go on a trip I plan all the places we are going to eat and how to get to them and then I look for a hotel and how to get there. I have priorities. As I walked thru the mall all those thoughts came to mind and then I started thinking about how careful I was at Taco Bell, not as good as I could have been but I didn't exceed my calorie count. I just think about the past when I wouldn't have thought about any of those things. It really is easier with the calories posted but I also looked it at and realized how easy it was for me to go there and eat almost 2500 calories at one meal and then get a pretzel and that tonight I ate under 700 calories. That made me feel good.. It would have just been a ritualistic kind of trip. I know that this is just part of a journey and I will have alot of these little milestones I hope. I am also trying to remember where I don't want to go especially in my head!!
  I am going to dinner tomorrow night with some friends and I actually started to get worried as I looked at the menu of the place where we are going because I am afraid I will cave and just get what I think I want.I am doing like I have learned and I am trying to preplan in my head what I might get. I am actually very picky so my choices are usually pretty limited and usually what I like is the fattening high calorie stuff. So with tonight being a success at Taco Bell, although I actually wish I hadn't eaten it but I needed something different and to prove I could do it and be ok.
 Well this week is coming to a close and the weigh in looms over my head and I am kind of afraid because I haven't been to the gym and I had Taco Bell (even though I was pretty good). I hope just the fact that I was sick and that I was being careful will reflect in my numbers. I can sense alot of the people at church losing their motivation and I don't want to lose it but I can also sense it in myself. I want everyone to just keep exctied at this weight loss adventure. Keep me in your prayers and I'll be letting everyone know soon how things go. Thanks for the encouragement and please don't be afraid to keep it up because I need it.!!!!!!!

It's about time.......

I forgot to say in my last post that I am at 12 pounds down so 288. Honestly I have been here before and it is usually about this time I hit a wall and plateau. When that happens I get really frustrated and want to stop and usually I do. I am NOT going to do that this time. I just had a discussion with Xavier and us staying on track and I think with all the support from the friends, family and co-workers that I am getting I am hoping I can just keep going. I am going to be 42 on March 16th and by then I am hoping to be down to under 280. I am going to visit my friend Amy and Julie that weekend and I would like to feel somewhat more comfy in the airplane seat than I have in the past. I have mentioned in the past how much I love to fly but how embarrassing it is to have to ask for a seat belt extender and I hate sitting next to people I don't know because I am in my head thinking they are thinking " OH great I have to sit next to the one fatty on the plane" I am sure that isn't always the case but when your fat that is kind of always going thru your head even though it may not be the case. Well enough whining about being fat because I wanted to share that for the first time in this whole adventure someone walked up to me and asked me if I was losing weight!! I was so excited inside but kind of downplayed it. It was a lady that works for the OR but not in the OR so I don't see her on a daily basis so it was nice. She came out and asked me if I was losing weight and she said she recognized my hair but thought something looked different and then when she saw my face she said she could tell I was losing weight. I truly downplayed it and said I was trying and talked about the fact we are doing Biggest loser at church and how important it is to have the support and I can honestly say that it has been helpful. It really is nice for someone to recognize that you are working hard and that they can see the changes. I try to tell Xavier how great he looks since he started and how I can tell that his uniforms are fitting better and he is looking so much better and I do see it and I hope he sees and keeps on trying.
 Well last night I went to church to drop Xavier off for the church allnighter and one of the guys that goes to church (not knowing someone else had said something) said to me "You can tell your losing weight I can see it in your face. Good job. Keep up the good work" He has no idea how much that meant. That even though I was sick and irritated with my teen it was nice to hear someone else say that. It is hard when you don't see it other than a mere 12 pounds on the scale but when other say they can see it it really means so much. I so hope in a couple of months it will really be noticeable to me and others. I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone again. I still really need the encouragement and the cheerleading as much as I did the first couple of weeks. I feel like some of us are losing motivation and I am going to work on getting everyone excited again for it this week. Again please keep up with the encouragement. I know I shouldn't ask but it really does help me keep perspective. Here's hoping to alittle weight loss this week. I only got to the gym twice because of schedules and then I got this stupid cold and I haven't felt like it but I have kept on track with my eating I think so I am hoping for alittle loss. How much does snot weigh because my head is full of it? I should be able to take a pound or 2 off for that!! Well on that note.... I will say goodnight and hopefully I can report a weight loss tomorrow.